The Donnybrook Writing Academy

A few times a year, Colonel Hector Bravado from the Donnybrook Writing Academy listens to the 30-second samples of the top-selling iTunes singles. Then he writes stuff.

“I Gotta Feeling” Black Eyed Peas
…that this single’s gonna be around a long time. That this single’s gonna be around a long, long time.

“Boom Boom Pow” Black Eyed Peas
There’s a glimmering toehold of admiration that can’t be erased by the typhoon of my loathing of the Peas, and that is: this beat freaking pops. That is some expertly engineered candy right there. Begrudging props to the production team.

“Fire Burning” Sean Kingston
Somebody call 911. Shorty took a dumper on the dance floor.

“Fallin’ for You” Colbie Caillat
I started this list a few weeks ago, when Drake occupied this slot. Now I log on to iTunes and — wow! — pop newcomer Colbie Caillat has burst onto the scene at #4. Fuck you, Colbie. Go sell shampoo.

“Man in the Mirror” Michael Jackson
Mirror: “You’re dead.”
Man: “Dang.”

“New Divide” Linkin Park
I didn’t even press the link to listen to the 30-second sample. I heard one of their albums in 2005, and it took about three songs for me to realize that these guys are the biggest pussies in the whole world.

“You Belong With Me” Taylor Swift
Love the hair!

“Love Game” Lady GaGa
I wonder what Lady GaGa does when she’s not crafting this chase-and-mating thump for whooping poolside mooks and the overtanned reality TV bitches with the tribal tattoos over their asses and the low expectations, these anthems for the quasi-porn courtship, the Annunciation of the OverSlut over the Vegas skyline. Maybe she plays backgammon and reads Proust. You never know.

“Billie Jean” Michael Jackson
I read the Wikipedia entry for this single, and it was cool to remember that there was, at one point, this handsome black kid from Gary who wrote songs and sang and danced. But it’s only interesting in the same way that our disbelief at a vanished decade or two of our own lives is interesting. Well, it’s also interesting as a study of the craft and business of pop music in the year 1982, but the best shit that came out in 1982 was by The Clash and it was called Combat Rock. Seriously, listen to it again. This album is brave and weird. It throbs with a peculiar, sad anxiety. It’s an off-kilter masterpiece. Some people cry when they identify with Jackson’s saga. That’s fucked up. I cry when I hear “Death is a Star,” the last track, which evokes drifts of smoke and shadowy former rebels in a musty theater in some war-weary former European colony. If you’re going to cry about something, cry about the fact that Joe Strummer will never have the chance to cut another album like this. He’s dead, too, you know.

“The Way You Make Me Feel” Michael Jackson
Seriously. When’s the last time you listened to “Car Jamming” or “Straight to Hell” or “Know Your Rights”? Even listening to the two hits in context of the album — “Rock the Casbah” and “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” — will free your ears of the damage done by their being isolated and pummeled by ’80s Hit Radio. Also worth checking out: “Mustapha Dance,” the verse-free, stripped-down dance version of “Rock the Casbah.” It’s the last track on Black Market Clash. I’m going down to Lipgloss next week and demand that they play it. Then I’m going to beat Lady GaGa with a double during a seven-point Crawford match while the vocalist from Linkin Park sucks my cock.