Fuck-Buddies and Pick Up Artists
By Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. • Jun 12th, 2008 • Category: Hand Job and a Reuben, Headlines from the Manor
Dear Ivyy:
I’m a 24-year-old girl, and I’m in love with my friend “Brian.” I know he likes me, and thinks I’m hot and all that, I mean we actually are fuck buddies. And HE’S the one who initiated this whole fuck-buddy thing! Problem is, I know he still dates other girls and I want to be his girlfriend, not just his fuck-buddy. What can I do to change his mind?
Oh, and the sex is really good and he’s really a nice guy and totally boyfriend material, so please don’t write something like “dump him and move on blah blah blah”. Thanks.
More Than A Friend
Dear Friend:
This letter made me cringe. Not because I believe that the concept of “fuck-buddies” is the worst thing to happen to women in oh about a gazillion years (which I do), or because my readers are finally starting to call me out on some of my more bullshit advice. No, it’s because we’ve all been that 24-year-old wanting more, and it kinda breaks my heart. And it also makes me want to kick your fuck-buddy in the junk. (I’m feeling a little nurturing and protective today, Lovelies. Must be all that Spring in the air.)
I’m sure Brian is a nice guy, Friend, but he’s not being too nice to you right now. He’s in a position of having his cake and eating it too, which anyone in the world will take if given half the chance. And that’s the problem–you’re giving him the option of just fucking you without any more need for commitment. What guy wouldn’t want that?
But the really nice guys are the ones who, once made aware of your needs and desires, do what they can to accommodate. If this Brian guy really is as great as you think he is, he’ll do that right thing once he knows where you’re coming from.
So, you’re going to have to have a little talk. Tell him you want more, tell him how great he is, say all the cute romantic things you’re thinking. (Keep it guy-friendly, and maybe try a compliment sandwich, as in “Your cock is so huge and I want to be in a monogamous relationship with you and have I mentioned how huge your cock is?”)
Here’s the thing, though, Friend. If Brian’s a stand-up guy, he’ll do one of two things. Either he’ll be into the idea of being with you and only you, and cut off his other fuck-buddies, and voila, you got yourself a dream boyfriend. Or he’ll not feel the same way you do, and distance himself from you to avoid the awkwardness of being fuck-buddies with someone who wants more.
But if Brian’s NOT a stand-up guy, there’s a chance he’ll hear where you’re coming from, and then try to just keep things as they are; have cake, eat it. If that’s the case, Friend, he’s NOT a good guy, he’s NOT boyfriend material, and you need to run the other way. So, mathematically speaking, you’ve got a 1 in 3 chance of getting your way here, and a 2 in 3 chance of losing him as a friend and/or a fuck-buddy (all things being equal).
Ok, so I just found this article on how to pick up women by “renowned pick-up artist” Neil Strauss, the author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists. The article details how to pick up a woman: approach, never buy her a drink, brag about how great you are, subtly insult her to prove your alpha-male status, create a (false) emotional connection by saying inane phrases used by sham psychics, take her to places where you’re the most attractive person in the room. Oh and do all this using a fake moniker like Style or Mystery. Seriously.
So, does it work? Has anyone used this technique, or had it used on them? Are girls really pulled in by this stuff? Do women really react scientifically like dogs in need of someone to tell them who’s boss?
I’m dying to know–no judgment (from me? Never!). Comments, please!
Better yet, I’d love to see this in action. If you see me at a bar and find a way to pick up a chick using the tips in this article within earshot of me (no trying it out on me, please, I’m a silent observer here), I’ll totally mention you in my column and you’ll be totally famous. Let the games begin!
Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.
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Or actually make him a “compliment sandwich” to compliment your compliments. There’s nothing a man likes more than a compliment complimented by a turkey club. I think I missed the point.
I’ve already tried it out on you
Oh god, whats with the damn emoticons? I wanted a subtle colon parentheses smile. Not that goofy looking thing.
God dammit
I laughed out loud more than a few times during the first paragraph of that article.
“Guided by men who claimed to be the world’s greatest seducers (men known by names such as Mystery, Toecutter, Sin, and Juggler)”
I’m jealous that I will never be approached in an establishment and treated to the following diatribe, “Hello, my name is Toecutter.”
Those guys are the douchiest douchebags I’ve ever seen. I bet they wear narrow shades and have sculpted goatees. What douchebags! UGH! It’s enough to make me angry, their douchebaggery!
PS- douchebags
Did you ever see the Mystery fellow’s reality show? He’s is grade A douche. Here are some pictures of him
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/ilovetowatch/images/mystery.jpg
It really doesn’t get any douchier
Wow, that photo is amazing. It’s like another douchebag died on his head.
Just in case you’re too lazy to click the link, let me paint a picture for our viewers: He’s wearing a.) mini-binoculars (for to check the drunkest fly honeys in the back of the bar); a pirate jacket; a lip print drawn on his neck; a heart locket; eyeliner; and a gigantic black furry raver hat. This man needs an award!
Douchebags or no, those guys get laid more than you’d think… it boils down to this: human interaction and seduction can be a science. It’s not about “getting lucky.” Luck favors the prepared… It’s really about marketing. People tend to respond to certain communication patterns and things that give you an emotional response. The Game is about understanding those patterns and learning how to elicit an emotional response in a short period of time… i.e. getting a girl’s attention long enough for her to WANT to give you her number, not begging for it after buying her five rounds of drinks…
Granted, the powers can be used for good or evil. There are slimy guys out there who practice this for sure… At the end of the day though, many guys just need a little help to avoid sitting in the corner mumbling to themselves or to avoid being the creepy guy who bothers you all night…
More fun content:
http://www.flawlessnaturalvideoblog.com/
P.S. more pick-up fun… Paul Rudd stars in this PUA vs. EHS pick-up battle parody of the VH1 show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgsHV9FEJdU
Don’t defend the douche.. That video was fucking hilarious though.
“Your hair smells like the carpet in the hallway of an apartment building where old russian people live”
I’m definitely using that line on some unsuspecting vagina haver.
ha, vagina haver.
A lip print on the left ass cheek works just as well, of course… But the cheerless fact of the matter remains: alcohol, in all of its wonderous and inebriating forms is the ruse that gets the poor chaps laid. They know this. We all know this. Wear the superfluous ensemble at your own risk… Likely the odds will still be in your favor.
What if your fuck buddy was already monogomous with you, offcially for health reasons? He’s still my fuck buddy, not my SO. It’s just that we don’t fuck other people because none of us wants to possibly give the other some weird disease from god knows where.
If I wanted more, what options does he have then? We are already monogamous.
i hello