Hobnobbing With Celebrities
(Ed. note: We at Donnybrook apologize for the belated nature of the subject matter of this article- obviously we were involved very deeply with the FBI investigation of said subject matter, and so our legal team advised us to hold off on publishing anything until the storm blew over and Coconut was able to get out of the country.)
Being among the Elite here at Donnybrook does have its advantages. I get to hobnob with Denver’s brightest, as well as celebrities. Screenings at Telluride, luxury boxes at Broncos games, downing 40s at the dumpster behind that Conoco. And as you can imagine, your favorite journalist has made a few Hollywood friends. While it would be gauche to name names, it is certainly not gauche to say that I do have Hollywood friends.
From time to time we will exchange emails, texts and messages tucked in the collar of a St. Bernard. I recently received some-ahem-pictures from a certain Hollywood friend. The pictures were borderline sexting. I know how to play, so I kept the pics to myself. Or so I thought.
While I was out on another dangerous, international mission that was a matter of national security, I believe my phone was compromised. No, not because it is on AT&T (government discount because we tap their whole system), but because I believe it fell into an ally’s hands. And he’s the one who leaked the pics. There was, what we in the international spy game call a “friendly trade”. He was in possession of pictures of a certain new princess. In order for me to see, I had to offer something of similar value. Around that time, our clandestine rendezvous was compromised. Call it cyber sleuthing, call it the strong ass German beer we were drinking, whatever.
So, I embarrassingly have to offer a public apology to you, Scarlett Johansson..
But here’s the deal. I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. The pics were hot on the net for a few days. If anything you gained more fans. People stopped asking you the question, “No, seriously, what was the point of Iron Man 2?” You’ve become an internet hero. You’ve become a meme.
Yes, there are those who are “so, like, four weeks ago”, that they find planking humorous. I guess this is what the plebeians do for yuks; lie face down in various odd places. And, voila, a craze is born. Maybe I am a bit jaded, since I believe planking started here at the Manor. Our parties were so raging, our drugs so strong, it was fairly commonplace to find bodies in prone positions in various places on the Manor. I wish I could tell you the story of where we once found Holly, but that story is never leaving the estate. What you pikers call “planking” is what we’ve been calling “Wednesday morning” for years now. Except you knuckleheads are apparently sober as you lie face down on Home Depot shelves and flagpoles.
After you got tired of planking at the mall, you got ‘creative’. And by ‘creative’ I mean more stupid. Planking begot owling. Owling begot Batmanning. Batmanning begot stocking. Cripes, this is getting to be like some Biblical progression of retard.
And then there was ScarJo. Ah yes, this little sweetie has done two huge things on the internet with just a few scant pictures. 1) She helped kill all this ridiculous planking, etc business. 2) She has started a new art form. ScarlettJohanssoning is the new batmanning. To help you decide if this is worthy of GIS, ScarlettJohanssoning is basically where people re-enact her now famous pose in the bathroom. If you still can’t decide if this is worth your time you can click here, here and here. (Ed. note: Links are mildly NSFW because, you know, BUTTS.) Now go search for yourself, lazyass. Then post your best shot for the world to see. Except you, grandma.
Again, sorry for the lapse in judgment, Scarlett. All in all, I think this is turning out good for everyone. And I have learned my lesson.
So who wants to see naked pictures of a princess?