30 Ways You Make Yourself Unattractive to Women

From time to time, it seems I get the same type of email for my advice column, The Coconut Clinic. Instead of pissing away my time answering each email individually, I batch a bunch of them together. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of emails from guys to the effect of “What Should I Do/Not Do on a Date.” I have put together the following brief list of pointers to ensure the best possible outcomes. Onward, bro.

30 Things Not To Do, Jeezus

Wear your hat any other way than frontwards or backwards. I don’t care how many X Game medals you’ve won. When you wear your hat on an angle, it makes you look like you have a pin head that no hat can properly fit. You shouldn’t wear a hat on a date anyway, doofus.

Tell her your name for your penis.

Say how you’ve never been faithful to any girl in your life.

Wear clothes containing any of the following references; UFC, NASCAR, WWE (unless it’s this one of a masked guy with an apparently ginormous dong), gold lame.

Every hour, drop, give her 20 and welcome her to the gun show.

When you ask her a question, hum the Jeopardy! theme song waiting for her to answer. Worse; you tell her the answer is incorrect since it is not in the form of a question.

Know which side you fall under in the whole Team Edward vs Team Jacob debate.

Have on more fake tan than she does.

Quote Jigsaw.

Break out into Irish dancing. You ask the lady first, shithead.

Own a cat.

Stare at her rack the whole time.

Don’t tip well.

Pepper your speeches with pet names like honey, sugar lips, toots, sweetie, hosebag.

Brag about your golfing prowess. On Golden Tee.

You haven’t taken that dead hooker’s body out of the trunk yet. Awkward!

Have a car with tinted windows, and a basement without windows.

Tell her you taught Herman Cain “everything he knows, if you know what I mean.”

Take her to Applebee’s because you got giftcards from your aunt for your birthday.

While in the bathroom, tweet or facebook how dinner is going.

Tell her she’s “the biggest girl I’ve dated so far.”

Friend request her in front of her.

Arrive at the bar in your full LARP get up.

State the following: “When I don’t know what to do, I ask Ivyy Goldberg.”

Roofie your own drink.

The conversation only becomes interesting when you steer it to Vin Diesel movies.

Wear shoes that don’t match, but socks that do.

Tell her about “the good scare you had at the Maury Show.”

Insist on any sort of karaoke activities. Worse if you pick out “Islands in the Stream.”

Call “Golden Chair” every fifteen minutes, and when you come back proclaim, “Yipee! I feel like a new man now!”