4.27: Pop Culture Showcase Showdown Spectacularama!

Visiting your poor friends at the pub this weekend? Here’s what they’ll be talking about!

Fellow Specials, while you’ve been spending your week worrying about the important things – stocks, bonds, maturities, “real problems” – your plebian pets friends have been worrying about their “poor problems” – rent, kiting checks, something called a “credit limit” – and the basic fact is that in order to escape their dullsville lives, they like to immerse themselves in pop culture and celeb news. It’s what they call “distractions” – and if you go out this weekend without being well-versed in them, your achievements are only more apparent and create even more jealousy in them than they already have. This could lead them to thinking you can pick up the entire tab, and none of us got where we are by being charitable.

But fear not, my lovelies – I’m here to give you a crash course in what went down this week. You can thank me later. With Diamonds.

Roger Sterling does LSD

Yes, people are STILL talking about Mad Men last week – this past Sunday the roguishly dapper Roger Sterling dropped LSD with his trophy-wife Jane at a dinner party full of counter-culture leaning intellectuals. While you’ll appreciate a peek into your own scholarly world, none of us look back at the free-wheeling 60’s with longing – who wants to fight for the less fortunate? The tripping scenes were fun, and in the end he convinces his wife they should divorce – that’s something we can all get behind, as long as a pre-nup’s in place. If not, it’s time for you to pay off some of your poor friends to help you move the body. Fuck giving away that 50%.

Obama’s Still Hip and There will never be a Kardashian-free Television Landscape Again

Two completely ridiculous things happened early in the week – President Obama appeared in Jimmy Fallon’s “Slow Jam the News” segment to tout how in tune he is with the college kids by plugging his economic strategy for student loans. This is supposed to endear him even more to your poor friends and hopefully make them forget that he’s cracking down on marijuana dispensaries faster than Franklin Roosevelt at a speakeasy.

And in “Signs of the Coming Apocalypse” news, E! just signed the Kardashian’s on for 3 more years of their stupid ass show that manages to simultaneously make the rich and powerful, the vapid, and the morally loose all look like blathering idiots with nothing to contribute to society. I would’ve said beautiful people too but the only beautiful Kardashian is Khloe. She’s also the only one with a brain so she gets a pass, besides she’s an Odom now. Kim and Kourtney are starting to look like a cross between blowup dolls and those weird plastic bobble-headed Chihuahua’s you see on dashboards.

Ashley Madison Wants Your Cum-Stained Tebow Sheets

On Wednesday, Noel Biderman, founder of the website for cheaters, Ashley Madison, announced he’d be willing to pay $1mil to anyone who can prove they’ve deflowered my arch nemesis, devout christian, and son of missionaries (Hehehe. Missionary. That made me giggle), Tim Tebow (TEBOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!). I have nothing negative to say about that. Tebow’s virginity now has a bounty on it – any ladies willing to sleep with that triple-bagger (one for him, one for you, and one for anyone who happens to walk by), by all means, go for it.

WTF WHCA??

And just to round your week out with more “What the fuckery” – this Saturday’s White House Correspondents Association dinner,  which frequently invites celebs and newsmakers, is stretching the “respectability” meter with Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner, and Lindsay Lohan all making the cut. Then again, all three are guests of Fox News, so was respectability ever really important anyway?

There you go, my lovelies – a crash course in the weird and stupid shit your less-monetarily-inclined compatriots are going to be buzzing about over the weekend. I’m off to secure a ticket to the WHCA dinner, you know Lohan’s going to need someone to cut her lines for her and hold her hair back when she’s puking, and if I’m any kind of snob, it’s a free drug’s opportunist kind of snob.