5 Trends Popularized by Jersey Shore That Should Have Never Seen the Light of Day

First of all before I begin, I am going to confess that I watch the Jersey Shore. I enjoy the debauchery and pure stupidity that happens for an hour on Thursday nights in my living room on my television. GUILTY.

But after a good three years of living in a world that is strangely obsessed with the phenomenon, I can’t help but notice the aforementioned idiots are rubbing off on society. And by that, I mean that some of the absolutely ridiculous and downright horrifying things that our favorite tanned morons are wearing and doing are actually catching on.

I’ve taken the time to compile five of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired trends for your reading pleasure. Before you begin, please say a brief prayer that these monstrosities suffer a painfully short lifespan.

All done? I thank you for your contribution. Carry on..

#1 – Guidette Makeup

Do I really even need to elaborate on this? You know the look. The bronzer caked face, paired with raccoon-esque eyes and pink frosted lips. I’m honestly not sure how people can look at J-Woww and think to themselves, “wow, her makeup is impeccable. I would like to mimic that look.” Let’s not forget that the eyeliner encompassed eyes are always complimented by platinum eye shadow which is taken all the way up to the brow bone. I mean, why stop at the lid, right? The higher the silver the better chances you have at blinding your date when the light hits your face the wrong way.

#2 – The Situation in General

Let’s get serious, the guy has gone from slightly amusing to a downright annoying asshole. And the fact that you say a word that used to be a term in the English language meaning “the way in which something is placed in relation to its surroundings”, and people now think of this Lord of the Douche? That bothers me. Just last weekend, my friend (who was under the influence of way too much vodka) was running around the bar lifting up her shirt to reveal her stomach telling everyone she was the female situation. Cue *face palm*. Is that what we’ve evolved into? Is this the world we live in? So many annoying, ab-bearing moments could have been prevented had Mike Sorrentino not become famous.

#3 – The “Poof”

When Snooki first graced my television screen back in 2009 wearing her hair in this strange, Bride of Frankenstein hairdo which was secured by an elegant white plastic clamp – it never crossed my mind that people would actually start doing this on a regular basis. The sad thing is, girls are sporting “the poof” out to clubs, on dates, to the movies, etc… and they’re BUTCHERING IT. I didn’t think it was even possible to make this cloud of hair look worse – but I can’t tell you how many lop-sided, frizzy disasters I’ve seen lumped on top of girls’ heads. It’s really sad when a horrible trend turns even more horrendous because copy-cats suck at teasing and clamping.

#4 – Shirts with Shit All Over Them

I’m talking to you, Pauly D. And Mike (I’d rather say Voldemort than the S-word). And Ronnie. Not so much you, Vinnie. You seem pretty normal. But anyways, these strange shirts that combine a menagerie of skulls and roses and bad tattoo designs and rhinestones and glitter. What exactly is happening on your torso? It’s like Kat Von D and Ru Paul threw up all over your Fruit of the Loom. They’re not sexy, and I really have no idea why people are buying them. Less is more, gentlemen. Less is more.

#5 – Boots and Shorts

While the girls will frolic around wearing shorts that reveal their butt cheeks and shirts that barely cover their nipples – calves are apparently out of the question in terms of being exposed to the public. What are you, nuts? You think I’m going to go out into public with my CALVES showing? Thighs and side-boob and midriff… that’s fine. But seriously, stop creeping on my freaking lower leg, LOSER. I just don’t understand this one. I picture me going over to my grandma’s house wearing shorts and gigantic furry boots and her asking me if it’s snowing out. “No grandma, it’s August.” In theory, grandma just made me serve myself. Please, please stop wearing this combination, ladies. I know your calves are sweaty as hell when you take those boots off and let’s just pray you are wearing socks in there. Either way – it has to be uncomfortable and it doesn’t even look good. So stop putting yourself through this torture in order to look like a 4-foot meatball from the East Coast. It’s just not worth it.

In other news, I’m still waiting for airlines to allow you to use trash bags instead of suitcases. Just seems more resourceful. I mean – I can fit like, six times the clothes in a trash bag than I can in a suitcase. Why can’t fads like this catch on? Come on, society!

Peace, Love, & Fistpump…