6 Tips from a “Wingwoman”?

Written by  //  July 20, 2011  //  Ivyy Reads Between the Lines  //  3 Comments

So This Lady thinks of herself as a super duper awesome Wingwoman. And this Wingwoman offered 6 tips for single men. And these tips, are, well, they’re just… oh honey, no. If I may offer a rebuttal:

TIP:  “Women prefer personality to looks. What women are really attracted to has nothing to do with appearance. It has to do with the character a man projects. A man who is calm, cool, collected, comfortable and confident will trump an Abercrombie model every time.”

Oh Honey, no. I mean, yes, we prefer personality, but we also prefer looks. So don’t write this whole bullshit shpiel about “we really love a guy with a good personality”. You know what will happen if guys think that? We’ll start getting hit on by guys in sweatpants who talk our ear off about their passion for red wine, beat poetry, and Van Gogh’s blue period to prove what a great and interesting personality they have. And then, who’s the bitch when we politely turn them down because maybe we have a steadfast rule that we don’t date dudes who wear sweatpants to bars?  (Ed. Note- this is a good rule to have).  That’s right, we are.  “But the lady in the internet!”, they will scream. “She told us you like personality and don’t care about looks!! Why would she lie? You’re a bitch, waaaaahhhhh!”

Side note:  is “Abercrombie Model” still a thing for straight women?  I thought The Gays had stolen them long ago, right?

TIP- “Women have baggage, too, especially the attractive ones. You think insecurity and low confidence are only for those who are fat, bald and ugly? Not so, my friend.”

Oh Honey, no. This is just something attractive girls tell their fat bald and ugly friends to make them feel better. Really, attractive girls have much higher confidence, what with being all attractive and such. Sorry.

TIP- “There is never a bad time to approach a woman. Women want to be approached, as long as it’s by the right person.”

Her father’s funeral? Debt collection center? The courthouse? Is she openly weeping or copiously vomiting?  Well, hey guy, as long as you feel confident that YOU sir, are the RIGHT PERSON, then by all means, give it a try! Best of luck.

TIP- “Women DO NOT like bad boys. Women like nice guys, not wimps, pushovers or pleasers; nice guys with a backbone and strong sense of self.”

Oh Honey, No! I know you’re just saying this to try to make the “nice guys” feel better, but we all know that for whatever reason, all women go through a phase where they love the bad boys.  And sometimes its a LONG phase, starting right when little Jimmy pulls our pigtails and backtalks the teacher in kindergarten class.  (Ah, Jimmy.  My first love!!  Call me when you’re out on probation!)

TIP- “There’s no “right” line, but there’s a right way to say it. I can tell you that if the right man with the right character came up to me and said “banana, banana, banana,” I would giggle like a little schoolgirl and instantly feel attraction for him.”

Oh Honey, No!! Who are you, and where are you hanging out, what with the ugly dudes with “character” screaming “banana banana banana” all up in your face? That’s just wrong. You need to get good and banged by an Abercrombie-model-looking bad boy, stat.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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3 Comments on "6 Tips from a “Wingwoman”?"

  1. Angora July 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm · Reply

    I never like to be approached ever. By anyone. Does that make me a misanthrope? Literally, there is never a good time to approach me.

  2. nina July 21, 2011 at 12:25 am · Reply

    That is because you’re a taken women Angora. Or maybe you’re a woman who takes. I don’t know…this is starting to make less sense as I continue typing.

  3. Alistair September 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm · Reply

    THANK YOU! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got my best gay holding my hair back as I heave my stomach lining into the general area of the Chateau Marmont ‘s toilets only to hear some coked up douchbaggy whisper “banana, banana, banana” from the stall next door. I immediately realize that 1, I’ve let Dirk once again lead me into the men’s room and this is probably a coded message to engage in some stall-fuckery, and 2, I now have to go vom some more because I’m thinking of the smell of bananas. I hope whoever employs this “Wingwoman” fires her promptly.

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