7 Ways to Combat SXSW Panic, A Very Real Thing

It happens each year, around this time: the SXSW panic sets in. As people hurriedly and secretly circulate their homemade Excel docs filled to the brim with crazy parties to RSVP to (FREE Kool Aide and circus clowns!), and each RSVP forces you to do some strange thing (click three times, say ‘Bob’s your uncle’ and then read this message which will hypnotize you into posting our flier on your Facebook), the sheer multitude of possibility that exists in such a small space with so very very many people can be debilitating. So many hipsters! So much free booze so so early in the day. I can get free tacos if I miss Yeasayer! How can I choose between free shoes and the NPR party? How can I get from BFE to sixth street in time for Andrew WK‘s lecture? And what do I get when it’s all over? I get sick each and every goddamn year, because I’ve just done the equivalent to my immune system of becoming a full-blown alcoholic in a very stressful situation with no sleep around ten thousand disgusting people who don’t bathe. The second the plane lands in Denver, I am shivering from full-blown AIDS.

Musicians playing the festival aren’t as prone to SXSW panic, because their set times create a guiding beacon of light to get them through the madness, like a trip buddy you cling to with a fevered and sweating tenacity. Musicians have an obligation to fulfill, therefore, as shitty as said obligation is, and as uncooperative as parking people will be while you try to load in for your gig while drunk hipsters pee all over your instruments (can’t you at least make it to the alley?), at least you have some basis in reality. The rest of us assholes have absolutely no idea where we should be going in Austin or no idea how to choose who to be hanging out with, or how to get where. Just give us as many free drinks as you can, blindfold us, and shove us into oncoming traffic.

It’s going to be okay. Just breathe. Here are some pointers to deal with the strangling pressure:

1.) Pretend you’re just going to Austin for no reason. To check out its fine establishments. Because you…really like Texas. OK, this is not going to work.

2.) Remember that even if you showed up with absolutely no friends and no plans, you would still have an amazing time. Why? FREE BOOZE. Free booze makes everyone friendly and fun to be around! It makes all music sound great!

3.) Pretend you are simply an actor researching a part about someone who goes to SXSW – or you are a sociologist researching, I dunno, hipsters and mass psychology. This isn’t actually what you’re doing, it’s all one zany experiment. This helps separate you from the outcome, so if you do end up getting stranded at a party that’s really obnoxious and far away (iHeartComix, anyone?) while all your friends are at the best show of their lives, you aren’t actually attached to that result and you can simply make a note in your journal that you shouldn’t try to shortcut through the American Apparel flea market next time.

4.) Every one of your favorite bands is playing like eight times, so if you miss them once, you will probably have another chance to see them.

5.) After a day, much like a sailor gets his sea legs, you will get your festival legs. This means that your alcohol tolerance will go up, and you will be able to spot free food from a mile away.

6.) Bring sunscreen. Bring all types of clothing despite what the forecast says. Bring sunglasses. Bring comfortable shoes. It gets really hot and sweaty. Be okay with that.

7.) In advanced SXSW zen, you will learn to go with the flow. Don’t ever wait in a single line, because at any given moment, something amazing is going on with no line. You’ll tag along with your friends even if you’re missing a show you wanted to see, and you’ll have a great time.