A Blow for the Truth

Attention, you sciencey guys. Yeah, you eggheads that wear the long white lab coats and do stuff. I have a question for you. Don’t you really have better things to do? Cancer is still rampant. AIDS remains uncured. Famine abounds. Hulkamania is still running wild.

And the best you shitheads can do is say oral sex is bad for women. Huh?

This is terrible news, guys. The wimmen folk don’t need to hear this. “Blow jobs are bad. I’m not blowing you anymore.” We need to nip this in the bud. The last thing we need is a bunch of nerds who can’t get a blowie telling the girls that BJs are bad. So, I have done some research, and come up with some facts and arguments to keep getting you that precious blow job. I know there is a great line somebody said, “Blow jobs are the new kiss goodnight.” This is how girls should be raised.

Since this study has been released, this is now ammo for girls to deny us the privilege of blowing us. It’s time to fight, fellas. It’s time to take a stand. It is Movember after all, damn it. So I have come up with the following facts and arguments for keeps the beejs coming. Take a few minutes, memorize a few things, and all will be right with the world.

She says: “But Science! Science said!”

You say: “Aw, geez, honey, are you going to believe THEM? C’mon, one week they tell us Pluto is a planet and the next week it’s not. They don’t know what they’re talking about. They don’t know us. Our love is stronger than ‘science’. Science, schmience I say. You know those scientists were either all stuck up broads who can’t get a guy, or loser dudes who can’t get oral to save their lives. Can you really believe what they say? No. Let’s show them how wrong they are. Now how about a quickie?”

She says: “Only girls in porn do that.”

You say: “What? Are you kidding? Yea, maybe just the pretty ones. Have you ever seen what they’ve done with it? They swallow it, rub it on their breasts, get it on their face, swap it with their sexy girlfriend who just happens to be there. And that’s just on Donnybrook’s closed circuit system.

She says: “It tastes yucky.”

You say: “So does your goddamn cooking, but I choke that down like a champ. To your knees!”

She says: “I don’t know how.” (ed. note: awww bless her heart!)

You say: 1) “I have this video…..” Or 2) “Ask your sister.” Um, on second thought, do NOT say that.

She says: “Girls that constantly blow their guys are tramps.”

You say: “Girls that DON’T constantly blow their guys are lonely. And pay for their dinner and drinks. And likely homely.”

She says: “Cum is disgusting.”

You say: “Are you kidding me? Cum is great for you. It’s full of protein to keep you healthy. And I want nothing more than for you to remain healthy. Plus, I believe it also melts cellulite. Just sayin’.”

She says: “I don’t have to.”

You say: “Honey, science has cursed me with a loaded gun. And if it’s not unloaded a couple times a week, it might go off in embarrassing situations. Like Aunt Lulu’s funeral. Or that brunette in marketing.”

She says: “It’s not comfortable.”

You say: “Not comfortable? Imagine me. I have to go without hearing your sweet, shrill voice kvetching about work for 5-6 minutes. It’s not easy for me, either. We both sacrifice.”

Other ammo you can use:

It will take you less time to blow me than to hear me whine about it.

What’s more work? Going down on me or dressing like a slutty nurse?

Proactiv is made of sperm.

Oral sex makes your teeth whiter.

Now, fellas, consider yourself properly armed. You can thank me later.