A Clinic for All Seasons

Written by  //  November 30, 2011  //  Advice, Coconut Clinic, The Dormitory  //  1 Comment

I suppose I should apologize for not answering all your email lately. The fact of the matter is that I really don’t fucking care about your problems. I’ve got my own; whether to lay in the recliner or hammock by the indoor pool, Zooey Deschanel vs. bunnies, which VIP party to attend and fucking Angora going all ninja on our asses. But, still, it is my job to feign interest and offer solutions. So let’s see what you chuckleheads are up to.

Dear Coconut:
There is a rather attractive girl at my gym. She’s a petite blonde with a huge rack. She always wears sports bras, and only just sports bras. Her boobs are so big, she stuffs her iPod in there. She always wears her hair down and smells of perfume. She’s pretty smoking hot. And she’s caught me staring at her, many times. I don’t have the balls to ask her out and I am probably not her type, but I can’t help stealing glances at her. I am afraid she will get me kicked out of the gym, but she’s so hot I can’t help myself. What should I do?-JimRat

Um, so what is the problem here? Playing lacrosse, I’ve been in dozens of different gyms. Gyms-good gyms, at least-are like good bars. They know that to attract hopeless guys (you), they need to have attractive, unattainable women (her). Blondie knows exactly what’s she’s doing. She’s a cocktease who gets off at getting gawked at. Trust me, if the day ever came where she went to the desk and said, “Hey, that douche who does the curls with the 5 pound, pink dumbbells keeps creeping on me and making me feel uncomfortable,” your ass would be out of there. But the fact she hasn’t tells you all you need to know. You sound remarkably grounded, you know there is no hope of you two, and you are probably miles ahead of the rest of the juiceheads there. So just take it for what it is; she is eye candy. Use her as inspiration while you are at the gym. Push yourself harder, run that extra 20 minutes, but for god sake, don’t use the butt machine. Only women do that one.

Hey Roman-If my bf drags me to another Adam Sandler movie, I will kill him. Can you please explain the appeal?

No, no I can’t. Outside of maybe the Wedding Singer, I’ve never found him funny.

Dear Roman, Every time my boyfriend get in the mood, he insists on turning on music. Rap music. I like rap just as much as the next girl, but not during sex. How do I get him to stop? Not So Fly Gurl

What? Lil Wayne doesn’t get you in the mood? Flo Rida doesn’t get you all wet? I have a couple different solutions. The next time you want to jump his bones, do it in your room, so you can decide what, if any, music you want played. The next time he reaches for his player, grab his hands and put them on your body. Be more aural; maybe him putting on any sort of music is because you don’t make enough noise. Or when he climaxes, he sounds like a pig in heat. And if you still need music, I recommend you check this out for some ideas.

Hey Coconut- I am the only girl in my family, and I have three brothers. We were all active in sports in school, and knowledgeable about sports in general. I feel this intimidates my current guy. He’s a big sports nut, and we both know I know far more than he does. And this has led us to some pretty heated arguments. Signed, Dallas

Wait a minute, let me get this straight: you’re a girl who claims to know MORE about sports than a guy. I call clown shoes, since it’s rare ANY girl knows more than a guy, especially sports. Nice try.

My BFs dad hates me. Every time we go over there, he just stares at me. I have heard him talking about me to my BF, and he calls me ‘slut’ and ‘tramp’. I don’t know what he has against me. We’ve been solidly together for over 2 years, so it’s not like we’re temporary or anything. Help!-Callie

See, it’s email like this that separate the wheat from the chaff in the advice game. Surely, you along with every other nitwit advice columnist is going, “Well, tell her to address the situation with her boyfriend to see if there is any lingering issue. Did she once say something that offended the dad and never knew it? Maybe the dad just liked his son’s previous girlfriend more? Maybe even address the issue with the dad directly.” And this is why you slave away at a cart in the Denver Mall, vapidly checking your phone for any sign of life. This is EXACTLY the wrong advice to give poor Callie.

Clearly, you can’t feel the smoldering tension from the email. Here’s the advice I am going to give. And it’s exactly what Callie is thinking.

Go fuck the dad. Yea, I said it. The ‘anger’ he is directing towards you is obviously masking his true feelings. It’s not animosity he’s feeling towards you; it’s affection. (I’m sure there is some haughty taughty psychological term for it, but fuck if I have the time to research it.) He probably can’t believe his spawn is banging you. So that makes him angry as he’s not young and virile like junior. Instead, dad has to pop a Viagra and a fifth of Jamison to bang his old lady once every other month. So go bang him. His shallow world will be so much better for it, and things will be smooth sailing the rest of the way. You’re welcome, Callie.

Have a question for Cocounut? Email him at CoconutRomanCoke@gmail.com or use this form:

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About the Author

"Coconut" Roman Coke

"Coconut" Roman Coke is on a slow path to world domination which has led him to many callings: professional lacrosse player, helicopter pilot, foot model, and double agent.

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One Comment on "A Clinic for All Seasons"

  1. Angora November 30, 2011 at 12:13 pm · Reply

    Bravo to you for knowing your priorities, good sir! Zooey v Bunny was a hot-button issue yesterday.

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