A Plea re: Academy Admittance Standards, ie the admittance of “robbiebowman,” a lech

Written by  //  November 6, 2007  //  Health and Gorgeous Beauty, The Dormitory  //  9 Comments

It has come to my attention that members of this esteemed society have seen fit to extend an invitation for membership toward robbiebowman. I must strongly discourage this. It is not anything personal. At least, not overtly. It is simply that he is all wrong for us. I will illustrate exactly what I mean with this overwhelmingly engaging and convincing argument.

For starters, he spells his name like a fool. No spaces and no capital letters? Absurd! It is precisely the kind of trick children use to try and seem more important. It goes without saying, of course, that children pull such childish tricks precisely because of how unimportant they are. Best seen and not heard, is how the expression I coined goes. This robbiebowman character is best neither. As he is ugly and a hardship on the eyes.

He’s of Jewish descent.

His writing is filled with coarse language and base imagery better suited to Grand Guignol and pornography. It is obviously a depraved mind that he has in his malformed little head.

He is small, and therefore, obviously weak. I recently read some new thing called “Origin of the Speck” or some such thing, and in it Charles Darwing makes a convincing argument that weak things should be dead. Or something like that. I only glanced through it. In any case, Mr. robbiebowman (I feel absurd writing his name) is certainly the runt of his generation and should have been fed to the house hunting dogs upon his birth to help impart the taste for blood that makes for a good hunting hound.

He is poor. I understand he has no servants whatsoever. Not even one!

He owns an automobile. While my own feelings on the horseless carriage are well known (I loathe and distrust them), Mr. robbiebowman (again!) insists on riding around in one nearly every day. He does not only not know how to ride a horse, he is scared of them. Weakling!

I cannot remember if I mentioned his Jewishness and do not feel like reading back through my work. It is an act far too similar to editing, which I steadfastly do not need to do, my brilliance being as pure and perfectly formed straight from my mind as I was from the womb.

While I do find it odd that he is both a Jew and poor, given what we know about his kind, it is more evidence that he is in some other way deeply flawed. He is either a failure even at the kind of tricks his people are reputed for, or his penury is the matter of some sort of sneakiness. In that, perhaps he is rich after all, and is hoarding it away, or conducting some sort of gigantic scheme that even I cannot begin to imagine.

If this group should heed this warning shot I am firing across our sacred bow, I will try and find some of his work and will even try to get through reading the muck. I make no promises, as it is just as likely to give me the vapors.

I must be off now, as I have an appointment in Battle Creek to seek out Dr. Kellogg’s cures. He assures me by post that he can assuage me of my night terrors with ten daily enemas alternating of milk and coffee. I have always preferred just a touch of cream in my tea, but oh well. No one ever said modern living and modern medicine would be easy. Or maybe they did. I wasn’t really paying attention.

About the Author

Irving J. Silvertoad

Irving J. Silvertoad is Donnybrook's man-about-town: bon vivant from the 1920’s and vehement hater of Robbie Bowman.

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9 Comments on "A Plea re: Academy Admittance Standards, ie the admittance of “robbiebowman,” a lech"

  1. Angora November 6, 2007 at 12:02 pm · Reply

    Wait…no servants? But…how does he change the chamber pot?!

  2. Ivyy November 6, 2007 at 12:28 pm · Reply

    I strenuously object to this robbiebowman character. All of Donnybrook knows that there can only be one token Jew, and clearly that spot has been most ably filled by one Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. Not only am I rich, I am also so ridiculously high-class that I have no need for a chamber pot, as I do not engage in such base and crass activities as evacuation (gah, I tremble simply at writing the word!)

  3. Angora November 6, 2007 at 1:40 pm · Reply

    Ivyy has fainted at the mention of such overwhelming conversation topics! Luckily I have my servants carry smelling salts everywhere I go, as I faint frequently…There there, Ivyy.

  4. Father Guido November 6, 2007 at 2:13 pm · Reply

    Hey, don’t forget about Snootball. He’s some sort of Jewwy. He’s also extremely wealthy.

  5. Anonymous November 6, 2007 at 2:22 pm · Reply

    Mmmm, Jewwy.

  6. Toastface Killa November 6, 2007 at 3:08 pm · Reply

    Goldberg a Jew?

    Servants–return her Christmas presents, post haste!

  7. Sid Pink November 6, 2007 at 5:14 pm · Reply

    He’s my brother.

    That alone ought disqualify the little turd-diver.

    And his writing will make us all look bad – there’s some grist for the mill.


  8. Irving J. Silvertoad November 7, 2007 at 7:32 am · Reply

    I must object to the term “turd diver.” In part because I have no idea what it means. It sounds German. I hate Jerry just as much as anyone. What is more, evidently I happened to sign off on this column as “robbiebowman.” Revolting. However, I have made sure my future posts carry my actual name of Irving J. Silvertoad. The J stands for many things. Including Jonathan, James, Jeremiah and Justice.

  9. Anonymous November 7, 2007 at 11:16 am · Reply

    My salient objection was the lack of haughty particularity in the lad’s moniker. But IJS seems to be a good corrective step. Welcome to Donnybrook. Now make me a Manhattan, you sniveling fuck.

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