Alistair Does the Bachelor
Do What You Will with that Headline – “Ask Alistair” is Back, Bitches!!!
I think that just about anyone who reads this column – and that’s EVERYONE – knows my feelings about His Holiness, Tim Tebow. One of my darling readers is just clamoring for my opinion on the rumors that Tebow may be the next Bachelor in the STD Olympics that is the reality show of the same name. Yes, this letter is legit, and yes, it’s totally brilliant, enjoy – and you’re welcome:Alistair, darling: You witty and savvy purveyor of truth and spiritual enlightenment. Did you by any chance see the article that claimed Tim Tebow might be a contestant on The Bachelor? I never watch that dreck, but I had a girlfriend that did, made me watch a couple of episodes of Bachelorette (the price we pay for sex). I know you just LOVE Tim Tebow the praying quarterback. This could be a great choice. Consider the possibilities! Eleven nubile home schooled Christian virgins, with dresses three inches below the knee, lining up for a chance to marry the most eligible Christian bachelor on the planet, and YOU as the ringer. (I have no idea how many they start with but 12 sounded like a nice biblical number). It would be TV worthy of an Emmy! Even if you didn’t get picked, the paternity suit, tell all book, and talk show appearances would keep your bank accounts topped off. Which would lead to your OWN spin off, It’s Alistair’s World, I just allow you to live in it, now bow down and kiss my feet, peon! A little wordy maybe but you get the idea. – Mark, via Yahoo.
First of all, Mark – wherever you are come work for me at Donnybrook! Because this letter had me dying from laughter. Okay, as much as I want to sit here and fawn over you because your words of flattery will get you EVERYWHERE – let me get off my swooning couch and address the issue at hand. IF Tim Tebow were announced as the next Bachelor – would I audition?
I’m going to admit something to you now that may be considered TV Columnist blasphemy – I don’t watch The Bachelor. I never have! Don’t judge me. All I know about the show is what I see when comedians like Joel McHale make fun of it during TV recaps – so I know that the girls stay as a group somewhere and spend a lot of time drinking wine together (very biblical) and gossiping (don’t get me started on those gossiping disciples – just “Jesus, this” and “Jesus, that” all the time, you’d think they’d write it all down or something, catty bitches), and then some of them go on dates with the Bachelor, and then after one or two dates they’re in love. The elimination process involves roses, and then there’s lots of crying in a limo when one of them (usually the brunette with the smallest tits or the wonkiest eyes) doesn’t get picked.
There’s just always been something about The Bachelor that’s bored me. Maybe it’s because it’s on basic cable and if a dating show doesn’t have tattooed lesbians making out, hoodrats shitting on a carpet, and Chlamydia outbreaks galore, I’m not interested.
All of that being said, if I’m anything, we all know it’s a shameless attention whore. So that makes me PRIME dating show material! And since I personally find Tim Tebow about as attractive as a forced ultrasound before an abortion, hiding my disgust for him under the guise of piety would be the perfect cover!
Tebow’s been denying the rumors that he’s going to be the next Bachelor, and we all know that Christians never lie, so I have to take him at his word for now that he isn’t signed up. However, my dearest Mark, because you asked so nicely, and pitched your idea so perfectly, I will make you a promise – you can quote me on this – IF His Holiness Tim Tebow does in fact get announced as the next Bachelor – yours truly WILL audition to be on the show. It’s just too perfect of a chance for me to pass up. Comedic gold is ripe for the mining in the cavernous vag’s of ignorant bitches pining for Tebow’s anointed cock. However, I will be keeping as far away from said Holy Cock as possible, as I have it on good authority that while most Christian girls take a vow of chastity, they have no problem taking it up the ass (Convenient Virginal Exit Clause!).
I bet Tim Tebow’s dick smells like poop. But it’s a “pure” smelling poop.