The Pen-Is Mightier: Amazon Hates Your Girlfriend, Christmas Edition
We checked, Amazon still hates your girlfriend. Especially at Christmas.
When we last spoke, I was telling you of the pitfalls of buying presents for your girlfriend via Amazon. So if you haven’t read it, you can do so here. Or maybe you were just too drunk to remember reading it, which is OK, because I was pretty tequila’d up when I wrote it. I also asked you to show some GD initiative and maybe research this thing yourself. And judging by my inbox being filled with asinine “relationship” questions from you boneheads, it’s clear to me I am doing all the work in our relationship here, and it’s kinda pissing me off, you lazy bastard.
At the end of my piece, I realized maybe I hadn’t given Amazon a fair shot. I had searched for “presents for my girlfriend.” Instead, I should have used “Christmas presents for my girlfriend.” Will there be any differences? Or will she still be getting shitty presents, just with holly on them? Let’s see if she gets better presents just by adding the term Christmas.
Result 1 – Silk Pajamas
Well, this is a pleasant surprise. Something that’s actually nice, useful and not hideous. Girls seem to love pajamas. 100 bucks might be a bit steep, but overall a fine gift. Would probably compliment your Mountain Dew pajama pants.
Result 2 -Love Keychain
It appears our stay in ‘decent gift territory’ was brief. I defer to the customer reviews. I am shocked as hell that people actually admit to buying this trash. One reviewer says, “me and my boyfriend love it.” Uh, that’s a lie, sweetie, your boyfriend doesn’t love it. He is embarrassed to show it in public. In fact, he probably has a separate key ring for his real keys.
Another reviewer hilariously notes, “Only downside is that store alarms always go off when I walk through a scanner, due to whatever it is made out of.” How embarrassing is that scene? As you’re trying to leave Yankee Candle Company, the alarm goes off, and it’s because of your matching keyrings. Not only is that awkward, it’s dorkward as well. (And yes, I just made that up. It will be in the 2014 edition of Websters.)
Nothing comfortable in the pimply face cashier saying, “You’re good sir, it’s just your shameful keyring that set our alarm off. Enjoy that happening every time you enter a store in the mall.” Even at just over 2 bucks, this doesn’t merit stocking stuffer category.
Result 3 – Couples Pillowcases
No, no, no, no. The only way these monstrosities should be on your bed is if you have a sheet that says “Dutch Oven.” I was never aware science has created a pillow case that encourages vomiting.
Result 4 – The “I Love You” Poem & Teddy Bear
Again, for the occasion, here is another gift that is apropos. The included framed poem strides that fine line that if your buddies ever found out, would call you gay, but yet it will likely get you laid nonetheless.
Result 5 – “Love” Calendar
Love – “Put Your Ear to the Sky and Listen My Darling, Everything Whispers I Love You” The perfect & unique Christmas, Holiday, Birthday Gift or Wedding Gifts, for Brides, Grooms, Bridesmaids, Showers, Women, Men, Lovers, Moms, Dads, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, & Teens – Fine Art Wall & Desk Calendars by acclaimed New England Nature photographer Donald Verger – A Year-At-a-glance 2013 11×14 Poster Photography Calendar (Love Poem) fits standard Format Frames – A found portion of a large mural on an abandoned street in Shashoni, Wyoming
The winner for my occasional “Too Many Words To Describe Bullshit” Award. I always worry when the gift says it’s perfect for so many disparate people. It is apparently a picture of a crumbling cement block, which is just the message you want to convey in these situations.
Perfect for the person that refuses to use the Calendar app that’s included in every freaking phone in the world, but also abuses Instagram with their bullshit pictures.
Result 6- Sexy Shorts
KD dance Sexy Lace Bikini Short, Great For When Shorts Are Not Quite Short Enough, Stretch Knit Comfort, Great G String Bikini Cover, Dance, Zumba, Yoga, Pole Dancing, Over Tights Figure Skating, Resort Chic, Made In New York City USA
Never tell her that her gift has ‘pole dancing’ in it. Trust me on that one. Personally, I love these on chicks. If she can pull these off (hey, isn’t that your job?), this would be another appropriate gift. Safe distance from slutty, but still damn sexy.
Result 7 – Wrist-wear
OK, these are cool. If your girlfriend is in third grade. Not cool if you’re in your twenties, especially if your girlfriend is in third grade.
Result 8 – One Million “I Love You’s”
Finally, a gift that says exactly what it does. From the description:
“IMPORTANT: This book contains the phrase ‘I love you’ printed one million times.
Expressing your feelings for the one you love can be so difficult… sometimes you just want to hold her close and say ‘I love you’ a million times!!
Pause for a moment and imagine your girlfriend’s reaction when you give her a million ‘I love you’s this Christmas…
This emotion-inducing book contains the phrase ‘I love you’ printed one million times, so be warned: when your girlfriend holds it in her hands for the first time on Christmas morning and leafs through the pages, be prepared for lots of smiles, lots of kisses and maybe even some tears… because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a million ‘I love you’s.”
Bonus: is your girlfriend obsessive/compulsive ? She can count to make sure there are a million I Love You’s. If it’s off, return it.
30 bucks for page after page of “I Love You.” Don’t know if this is brilliance or laziness. By the way, be sure to look for my new book “To My Girlfriend At Christmas (the perfect gift) A million YOU’RE FAT’s.”
Result 9 – Silk Robe
Have this match the pajamas from No. 1 and you’re golden.
Result 10 – Poetry Rose Dome
So for a scant 70 bucks, you can buy this “poetry rose dome” that has a rose frozen in some sort of clear version of what Han Solo was frozen in.. You can slide a picture of you and your schwoogums in the dome as well. Perfect for office beratings.
And by the way, “rose dome” is totally my new favorite euphemism for vagina.
So there you have it, gift giving made easy, according to Amazon. You can decide what level of tackiness she can tolerate. Shop wisely, and her rose dome will be yours.