I had a good friend named Alex who was a gay stripper. He was the gayest stripper in the world. He and his gaggle of friends had a saying: when they were excited about something, they’d say “Go Broncos!” and fall into giggles. And it was hilarious, because they were the least sporty people in the entire world.
Besides me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m of the clumsy, nonathletic geek physique, or if it’s because I’m such an individual that the slightest hint of competition sends me running. It’s both. People assume that those who are pained by the thought of athletics had some horrendous experience in elementary school P.E. class. But they don’t realize, sports were painful even before I embarrassed myself by dodging the volleyball (and to me, not ducking when something is flying at your face is just irresponsible). Just the thought of P.E. class was enough.
When I’m part of an active competition, and I’m talking about a board game even, I feel like a person with no sex drive would feel watching porn. It’s hilarious and embarrassing for everyone involved.
However, even I swelled with pride last night when I saw that the Rockies beat the…San Diego Padres? Doesn’t that mean they get to go to the World Cup or something? That’s right. I’m the die-hard fan’s worst nightmare. I will butcher your sports; and then I will go out and drink when a Denver team wins, pumping my fist and yelling, “Go generic sports team name, whoever you are! Go Spartans!”
But my actions aside, I’ve noticed sports making an ironic comeback in indie culture. The band Colourmusic, from Oklahoma (Wayne territory), played an entire set at the Larimer Lounge in short shorts, headbands, and knee socks with stripes. They did running drills, and their dancer guy did situps and pushups the entire time.
I’m not sure if it’s just the awesome ’70s getup that hipsters like, or if it’s our fascination with those elementary school P.E. classes; much of the people sporting these ironic headbands and vintage Nikes, judging by their white, bony physiques, probably had the same experiences I did with P.E. class.
Is it a need to confront old, painful memories? Is it their attempt at the most supreme irony of all? Or do they just like to show off their sweet asses in those short shorts?
I can’t answer these questions for you, brothers and sisters; but I can leave you with a video for Broken Social Scene’s “Fire Eye’d Boy.” It’s beautifully sporty. P.S. – I’m interviewing them soon, if all goes well. If you have any questions you’d like to ask them, let me know.
P.P.S. – this is the least sporty sports column ever. FALSE ADVERTISING!