An Open Letter to Mississippi

Written by  //  November 4, 2011  //  Ivyy Reads Between the Lines  //  3 Comments

Dear Mississippi,

Hey Mississippi!! How the hell are ya? I’m all the way over here on the other side of the country, in a state called Colorado (it’s the flat square-looking one in the middle of the country. The United States. Of America? Our countr…uh, ok… you know what, let’s just move on.) I’m here to talk to you about this personhood bill you guys are getting set to pass down there. This amendment would criminalize abortion by classifying a fertilized egg as a person, thus making abortion akin to muuuuuuurderrrrrrr!

Up here in Colorado we’ve been through this a few times- in fact, the very organization that is pushing this bill through in your fine state is based here in my fine state!- so I just want to give you a heads up about a few OTHER things this amendment will do.

This amendment would change EVERY LAW in your state. If you declare an egg a person, then every law in the state that contains the word “person” (9,000 references, last I checked) now also refers to an unfertilized egg. So if you get in a fender-bender with a woman who’s 2 weeks pregnant, and then she has a miscarriage 3 weeks later (as 10-25% of pregnancies do), YOU could go to jail for vehicular manslaughter!! Huzzah for protecting the innocent!
And how would this work for instances where a pregnancy causes health complications in the mother? Would a fetus that causes chronic heartburn in its mother be able to be prosecuted for assault and battery? The mind simply boggles!
And what about those situations where the health of the mother and the health of the fetus are mutually incompatible? Would there have to be a court hearing to determine which “person” lives and which “person” dies? Oooh that could make for some fun CourtTV!
(Oh, ALSO, tiny thing, like a whole bunch of birth controls would suddenly become illegal if this thing passes.)

Like I said, I live in Colorado. We have personhood amendments come up for vote here like every other year. Trust me, this is not my first rodeo. (Rodeo, Colorado, get it?!?! Ha! No? Well, like, in Colorado we have lots of horses, and rodeos, and… ah forget it.) And the thing is, Coloradans understand that this amendment is not only completely disrespectful to women who are grown-ass grown-ups who can make their own decisions about how to take care of themselves and their families, but this amendment also MAKES NO SENSE. An egg is a person from the moment of conception? What exact moment is that? If I had sex with my boyfriend last night without using birth control (which, btw, is now illegal), and I drink a glass of wine today, is that now considered child endangerment?

So, Mississippi, that’s why Colorado has defeated this measure multiple times, by huge margins. It’s, like, considered a joke on the ballot here in Denver (Denver is the capitol of Colorado. Colorado is a state. In the United States! Remember when I just sai…no, you know, don’t worry about it. I’ll explain it all later.) It’s a stupid amendment. And, I hate to have to tell you this, but the reason Personhood USA moved from trying in Colorado to trying in Mississippi is that they think YOU GUYS are stupid enough to pass this absurdity!

So, Mississippi. You have an opportunity here. The whole country thinks you are backwards and dumb. Please prove the whole country wrong by recognizing how exactly horribly dumb this amendment is, and give it the attention it deserves: none.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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3 Comments on "An Open Letter to Mississippi"

  1. Special Occasion Bobby November 4, 2011 at 4:14 pm · Reply

    Thank you so much Ivvy. This rocks! Hey Mississippi, don’t be stupid!

  2. Roy Cohen November 5, 2011 at 10:56 am · Reply

    Very well written. You know your stuff, laws etc. I really like the article and the power of the emotions behind it. Very very good job.

  3. Alistair November 7, 2011 at 9:29 am · Reply

    Two things:

    1. This is why those of us here in Northern Virginia, when asked where we’re from, stress the NORTHERN part of that name, because fuck being associated with the rest of our state, which is full of backwood heathens, much like the rest of the South, much like Mississippi.

    2. Yet another reason why I’m glad I had my uterus removed a long time ago – end the trouble at its source, I say. No need to fight about if I can have an abortion or take BC when it’s all just hollow plumbing down there anyway.

    And threesies (I lied about the 2 things) this is awesomely written! Love it!

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