Angora’s Guide to the Correct Christmahanukkah Presents
No pressure, but gift giving over the holidays is the only real time to prove your love to anyone, ever. If you screw this up, you’re out of the family forever.
Here’s what I would get your family, but if they don’t like their presents then it’s what you would get them.
For the little girl in your life:
Since it’s a calendar, it’s a utilitarian excuse to look at fluffy white vintage kitty kats year round. Vintage cats are 10% smaller, wear corsets, are more subjugated, and meow in a Marilyn Monroe accent. They’re so cute, maybe I will actually use my calendar now instead of leaving it on April for the entire year.
Speaking of adorability, Zooey Deschanel, and gifts you should buy for me, er, your little girl, Sunshine and Carousels makes fascinators, bow headbands, and other hair accessories I like to call “head doodles” that will punch you in the face with prettiness. I especially like the mustard yellow Miss Joan.
And lastly, get her these journals to write in so she can become a best-selling author already.
But these are just the stocking stuffers. Everyone including you knows you should get her a pony.
Also, the hook fastens (and unfastens) at the crotch for supreme efficiency. Sold!
Since you’re the picture of discretion, you should get her these sunglasses for when she’s leaving your palace.
Oh, and any good lover would get her vajazzled for the holidays.
Made with black and white ebony and freshwater pearls, this extra tall fancy walking stick will cost you a mean $425, but it is so regal and majestic that it will instantly turn your grandfather into Gandolph, and then you won’t have to worry about money ever again because he can score you all the riches in the world with his magic.
Made by Meilie Moy-Hodnett (who, guessing by the name, is a hobbit), you can buy this hand crafted luxury walking stick on ETSY.
Gentleman’s Emporium also offers stylish monocles for only $5.95!
The Secret Agent Ski Mission. Every man wants to be James Bond, so here is his chance to jump out of helicopters on skis, race down a mountain where France meets Switzerland, drink martinis, and hopefully not bang international seductresses. According to Models & Moguls,”This 7 day trip includes helicopter lifts, downhill chases, secret lairs and recuperating at the luxurious Hidden Dragon Lodge 4,900 feet up the mountain where you can enjoy fine dining, shaken martinis and maybe meet a few cuddly snow bunnies.”
More details HERE.
You can also get him this book on how to build his own secret bookcase door HERE, as long as he promises to let you hang out in his secret lair man cave every once in a while. You can also get him a Someecards beer glass from Urban Outfitters, which rules.
Besides buying your little Einstein a personal one-on-one with Stephen Hawking (or Bill Nye the Science Guy if Steve’s busy), you should probably invest in some gold laces for his sneakers and some mini flags from all over the world for his model UN parties.
You should also get him this sweater vest from vintagesweaters1 on Etsy, and then slick his hair to the side real neatly. Do I want your son to be Rushmore? A little bit.
This freshwater pearl dog-shaped trinket combines all the shit grandmothers love: kitsch, pearls, dogs, tackiness, smallness, and pearls. As this sketchy website says, nearly ever aspect about this (price, delivery time) is negotiable. Get it now before Grandmere gets more senile and writes you out of the will.
You’ve worked really hard reading this blog about what you should buy everyone else. You deserve a treat.
Omni International Jet Trading is the place to go for your luxury private jet. They have a wide selection of Challengers, Cessna Citations, Falcons, Turboprops, and more. Not only that, but you can get a free market evaluation on your current jet aircraft. Isn’t that sweet of them?
Are you more of a mermaid, like me? Then take to the seas. I’m going to snag myself the USA 17 yacht made by Van Peteghem Lauriot Prévost that won the 2010 America’s Cup. Then I’m gonna soup it up like crazy, and show up in San Francisco in 2013 for the America’s Cup and I’m gonna be like, WHAT!?