Ask Alistair: Is he *Really* Being “Mysterious”?

Written by  //  June 25, 2013  //  Advice, Ask Alistair, The Dormitory  //  No comments

Alistair comes to the Rescue of the Romantically Challenged. You’re Welcome.

Ask Alistair: Donnybrook Writing Academy

Dear Alistair, I need brutal honesty and think here is a place I can get it. [You guessed right, Sweets!] I have been really happy with my guy, but he is a mystery to me, and I just keep thinking – Why?

I see him once a week; I haven’t met his friends and am a mystery to his mom. He doesn’t like public places and I suspect he doesn’t want to be seen with me because I’m a little on the heavy side, even though I’ve been told before that I’m attractive.

This is just killing me. I try to fulfill his life with my silly cards, cupcakes, and the things I make and buy for him. He is the first text I type in the morning, and the last one I send…  I’m in love with him, I tell him every time I can… I love him deeply, madly and just want to feel the same back… Is that too much to ask?

- Frantic

Ask Alistair: Stage 5 Clinger

Oh my sweet Frantic, you really should have written to your dear Alistair sooner. Most certainly before you began making craft projects. Once a guy is out of high school he no longer wants homemade items, and even in high school he only wants these things because he’s hoping you’re going to play with his cock.

Ask Alistair: Clingy WomenLet’s get something clear right off the bat, whatever you are thinking — you are NOT this guy’s girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong you sound like, barring your crippling insecurity, you could make a pretty great one. Actually, strike that, the crippling insecurity makes you the best girlfriend-candidate ever.

Let’s go over this one time: You see him once a week, you have yet to meet his friends or family, and he never wants to go out in public. You are not a girlfriend, you are a convenient hole he sticks his dick in once a week. And all those lovely gifts and things you buy for him go straight in the trash, lest his real girlfriend sees them.

See, here is the Great Mystery that your darling Alistair has learned about Men of Mystery, and you’re getting this gem for free so you should be very, very grateful: when a guy really likes you, all that cryptic bullshit goes straight out the window he makes you sneak out of in the morning.

Waiting by the phone.Men can be standoffish, damaged, broken, aloof, and have serious insecurity issues — but when a guy like that decides he’s into you, he’s IN. TO. YOU. He may struggle with it a little bit, he may confuse and frustrate you, and there will be occasions when you wonder to yourself if all this chasing is worth it. But you should never doubt that his feelings exist, even if the only way he shows them is making you the only person he texts back when he’s off being emo and shit.

Look, there IS no mystery. Either a guy likes you or he doesn’t. Even the most damaged guy will find a way to show you he’s thinking about you. Whether by crafting mix tapes full of Cure songs at some point over the weekend he’s shut himself off from society, or by staying the night even though he knows at some point around 3am he’s going to wake up and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour, drowning in his own thoughts.

So simmer down, Frantic. You have to seriously consider letting this one go. Unless you have a thing for lost causes, which frankly most girls do, yours truly included.

That’s right kiddos, right now you’re thinking – ‘But Alistair, you of the easy pool boys and plethora of Gentlemen Callers, surely no man can resist your charms?’ To that I answer, ‘Of course they fucking can’t, who do you think I am, an average female?’ I mean come on, look at me – I’m adorably irresistible. But that’s why I go bananas over men who play hard to get. And the more resistant to my charms the better; that’s right – I’m a sucker for a CHALLENGE.

Clingy MenAnd that’s the crux of it all: eagerness is unattractive (and you should take the Hint here, Frantic). Why would I want something that is so easy to get? What’s the point of going to a McDonald’s drive-thru when all you’re going to get, at best, is shitty food and a case of diarrhea later? Fresh meat is so much more delicious when you stop at nothing to chase it down – that blood running down your chin? That’s the trail of triumph, my friend.

So let this one go – he isn’t for you. Go shop for a new man to spoil and obsess over – isn’t that what Craigslist is for?

About the Author

Alistair Blake Arabella

“Alistair Blake Arabella” is the brainchild of entertainment writer and managing editor Vanessa “2 Fingers” Berben . If you’re missing the latest refill of your Dexedrine prescription, there’s a good a chance Alistair’s in your bathroom and has already crushed it up and snorted it. Now be a good little kitten and fetch her drink. If you’d like to receive the hallowed word of Alistair drop a line to AskAlistair@gmail.com – you just may be in the next episode of “Ask Alistar” if you’re very, very lucky.

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