Bartender Blogs: Dirt Nasty, Andre Legacy and Beardo
The depths of depravity reached new levels last Saturday night at the Larimer, when we played host to the intrepid Dirt Nasty and co. The Larimer is no stranger to the depraved, even loves its depraved children, and welcomes all who would want to suckle from her gristly tit.
My day started early. I had to be there at 4pm to open. Dirt, Andre and Beardo showed up right about that time for sound check.
Beardo went straight for the jack, ordering it in a impossibly hoarse voice. They all were hocking up a shit load of phlegm and squinting in the sun. They looked so haggard.
At sound checks for big shows we sometimes get under-age people and their moms asking to see the band because they can’t legally come at night. We usually let them in. This show was no different. Beardo’s sound check was so funny because he kept repeating a lyric about his love for meth, and this mom and her boys are just rocking out. It reminded me of that story of the “cool mom” who’d snort speed with her sons and buy them booze. It was so fucked up.
Let’s get one thing clear: these guys like drugs. Coke, pills, alcohol to these guys seems passe, they only start to get excited when they rap about snorting meth off a dog’s dick. They’ll also do any bar slut to stumble along, which was proven by Beardo who I caught humping some lucky girl in the broom closet, which is no bigger than 3X3 and has a curtain for a door. I wonder if she was listening when he rapped he only fucks WITHOUT a condom – “like an animal…” I believe was his simile.
By the way, these guys are white rappers – I think one of them is Armenian or some kind of Russian. They’re not your spend-thousands-on-a-sick-beat-rapper either. They are the rap-over-your-tape-deck-in-the-car-while-getting-high-rappers.
The fans were as equally fucked up. I counted at least ten suspicious-looking empty baggies left on the floor. Eyes were glazed and at half mast. People were uncommonly friendly or incredible dicks. Some were walking around with smiles and their shirts covered in vomit.
While bartending during their set, I had the great pleasure of meeting all these people. I kind of expected a lot of strippers and skanks to come, but I guess every douchebag dude in Denver expected that too, and the strippers didn’t get the memo. It was kind of a strange crowd – a lot of young suburban innocent-looking girls and rich 30 something yuppie couples.
Dirt Nasty and co. didn’t show up until midnight to perform, and I had to deal with some epicly-retarded customers. I heard this a lot: “I just spent $100 bucks tonight and on your web site it said Dirt Nasty was going on at 9pm. It’s 11pm, I want my money back!” Some people actually left, saying they’d never return to the Larimer. Devin, or “the door guy” who dealt with these valued customers and their issues, reiterated our refund policy and how much the Larimer wished they’d reconsider their opinions regarding the Larimer.
In other words, he said: “You’re not getting shit back, and you’ve never even heard of the Larimer before this show, so we won’t lose any sleep about you not coming back.”
I prefer the show to go as late as possible. People get fucking crazy when they are forced to drink and stay out late. Also, the tips are better.
Dirt eventually did take the stage, saying something to the effect that he’d just snorted 8 ounces of cocaine and was ready to fulfill his contractual obligations to the Larimer Lounge and the paying customers of Denver. The bar cleared a bit at that point while people crowded to the front. I took that opportunity to actually look around and check out the band. At one point a young lady, so drunk that she was closing one eye to keep from spinning, tapped me on the shoulder and said that the girls’ bathroom needed toilet paper. She followed me upstairs and when I opened the office to grab the t.p. she pushed me in closed the door and said “do you know Dirt Nasty?” and she touched my penis and tried to kiss me. She was trying to fuck me to get near Dirt. Really? Girls are like this? I almost laughed. What a slut.
Dirt, Andre and Beardo ravaged the stage, each trying to encourage and outdo each other. They weren’t arrogant or sarcastic, and they rapped some pretty fucked up shit that was pretty fucking funny. I can’t wait to see the pictures of this show on Denverpost.com/reverb.
At the end of the night we had to kick out so many drunk girls who were hoping to be Dirt’s, or Andre’s, or Beardo’s special lady. These girls were all so fucked up and they had this guilty half smile on their coke flushed faces that read, I’m going to let Dirt do ANYTHING to me. These girls looked like wolves. Devin “the door guy” was merciless kicking the groupies out – he seemed genuinely pissed off. Dirt and co. looked kind of annoyed at this, but they hung on to whatever girl who was persistent enough, and Devin probably saved them the tough dilemma of which girl to fuck and which one to abandon in the hotel lobby.
I left pretty quickly at this point. The offers of after-parties and mountains of blow were pretty enticing, but I had to get up and do it again Sunday.
By the way, if you’d have come to the Saturdays of Leisure – Donnybrook’s weekly, inland booze cruise – you’d have gotten to see Dirt and co. sound check and hang out with them (attn. hot sluts). So remember that for next Saturday when the Dualistics come to rock the fucking house.
Keep drinking and tipping