Before We Were Cool: Am I Slutty Enough?

Written by  //  January 31, 2011  //  Donnyblurbs  //  No comments

Histrionic diary entries, angsty yearbook scrawlings, and really bad poetry brought back from teenagerhood and the other side of cool. Dates may be omitted and names may have been changed, but rest assured these are legit.

“Dear Diary,

I read something that made me worry the other day, in the Vice Guide to Finding Yourself. One of the things, the MOST IMPORTANT ONE, was getting slutty with it. Sleeping with enough different guys that you begin making them wear tighty-whities for you and stuff like that. If you don’t, they say, you kind of stay in this high school level of sexual maturity. It might lower your self esteem (or not), but it would make you an independent woman who is sexually experienced and finally ready to settle down. So I started to worry that I wasn’t a big enough slut before I met my boyfriend, and I might forever remain immature.

But then I thought, I think I am slutty compared to the national average! It was years ago but I hear the average person sleeps with seven people in their lifetime, and I’ve slept with about ten probably:

Jason, Daniel, Mike, “Big” Willie (an ironic nickname), Josh, Chris, Kathy’s brother,

Wow. I’m forgetting people. I am forgetting people! I wish Kathy was still my friend so she could tell me who I’ve slept with. Am I going to have to read all of my diaries???! How will I ever know???? I have no one to ask! Let me list all my male friends to jog my memory

Jason, Eddie, Jared, Rob, Darin, Steve, Adam, Gabe, Leighton, Matt, Matt, Murdock, Matt, Jason, Joel, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, hot stupid guy, Scotty, Okie, Andy, Graham and Ben, Ben, Jim, Spencer, John, Steve, Steve Profiles, Who the fuck did I sleep with, Kyle, Brian, RJ, Kye….who was it?!!

Hmmm…wow. I have to call all my friends. This is an even worse situation, I might be less slutty than I thought!”

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The Donnybrook Writing Academy

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