Better Writing Through Anal: The Album Reviews

Written by  //  February 5, 2008  //  On the Record, The Conservatory  //  7 Comments

Thanks to the good Colonel H. “Big Daddy” Bravado, we know that all writing can be jazzed up with a little anal. Like when you just can’t figure out the ending to that masterpiece of an American novel you’ve been grappling with, you will inevitably turn to anal to make it your piece de resistance. In furthering this already proven exercise I have plucked some one sentence album reviews from the pages of Spin. Normally, none of these reviews would contribute to anyone actually purchasing these albums, but watch as I boost CD sales after this anal evaluation.

Vampire Weekend

Anal Weekend ****
Ivy League tunesmiths justify the anal love on world-surveying debut.

Hot Chip

Anal in the Dark ****
London quintet anally seduce the ghost in the machine.

British Sea Power

Do You Like Anal Music? ***1/2
Armed with passionate anthems, brainy Brits rise up and take it in the ass.

Devestations

Yes, Anal **1/2
Would-be Bad Seeds lack power to cause genuine anal damage.

Drive-By Truckers

Brighter Than Creation’s Anus ***
Beloved Southern rockers plagued by too much anal.

The Fleshtones

Take A Good Look (At My Anus) ***
Garage-rock gurus uncork yet another anal party-starter.

Future of the Left

Curses ***1/2
Demented anal-sex from Welsh agit-noise rockers.

Jack Johnson

Sleep Through the Static ***
The bard of backyard anal puts down the coozy and gets deep.

Eric Matthews

The Anal Stage ***
When “anal” really means the prettiest radio songs of 1965.

Rivers Cuomo

Anal: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo ***
The anal tale of a modern-rock enigma.

Nada Surf

Lucky ***
Soothing anal for stressed-out thirtysomething indie parents.

Photon Band

Back Down to Anal **1/2
Druggy ditties and friendly anal for the whole family.

Secondhand Serenade

A Twist in my Anus *
All out of love, emo chokes on its own anal.

The Selmanaires

The Anal Salesmen ***1/2
Black Lips’ buddies dazzle with musicianship—anal sex.

Sons and Daughters

This Anus ***1/2
Scottish quartet still at their best during anal sex.

Various Artists

Through the Anus: A Tribute to Madonna ***1/2
Ciccone youth dissect the pop star’s peppy anal power.

Various Artists

Brazil Classics 7: What’s Happening in Pernambuco? ***1/2
Post samba, Tropicalia, and baile funk, it’s the new anal.

About the Author

Father Guido Sarducci IV

Father Guido Sarducci IV is master of the Snobcast, Olympic parasailer, and uber-model.

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7 Comments on "Better Writing Through Anal: The Album Reviews"

  1. Bang Tango'ed February 5, 2008 at 8:33 am · Reply

    The Vampire Weekend show at the bluebird was my favorite show of the year. Because of the snow storm, the typical my chemical romance crowd was nowhere to be seen, and we were treated by an intimate show by two of my favorite bands, Grand Ole Party and Vampire Weekend. By intimate, I mean pull a barstool up to the stage intimate. If you haven’t heard Grand Ole Party, you have to check them out. By now everyone has heard of Vampire Weekend but Grand Ole Party is a rarity, with a female drummer/lead singer. It doesn’t hurt that she’s dead sexy as well. I felt lucky to be there.

  2. Col. Hector Bravado February 5, 2008 at 8:33 am · Reply

    Is it even possible to be as happy as I am now? That is some good anal.

  3. endurablegoods February 5, 2008 at 9:08 am · Reply

    Anal, musically speaking, is the Wagner of death metal. Violent and delicately orchestrated with a penchant for hastening a dystopian spiritually awakening bathed in tears and torn flesh.

  4. Shanester February 5, 2008 at 10:07 am · Reply

    The correlation between anal and good writing even crosses over to film. Check out this gem I found on IMDB.com

    No Anal for Old Men

    Tagline: There Are No Clean Anuses

  5. Bang Tango'ed February 5, 2008 at 11:20 am · Reply

    I don’t like dirty anus, no matter the circumstance.

  6. Ivyy February 5, 2008 at 9:00 pm · Reply

    I just had to say this: in my internet browser, when i want to go to the Donnybrook website, i type in the first three letters of the URL and it auto-fills the rest. so i type the letters G-O-D and i get to Donnybrook Manor. Makes sense, really.

  7. Col. Hector Bravado February 5, 2008 at 9:39 pm · Reply

    It makes ANAL sense.

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