Big Girl Problems, and Ivyy’s First Hate Mail!

Written by  //  August 21, 2008  //  Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  8 Comments

Dear Ivyy:

I really really really want a boyfriend. I’m a really nice person, funny, intelligent, caring, etc, but I just don’t have that model body that guys are looking for in a girlfriend. Any advice?


You didn’t include any body stats or pics with your letter, Chubby, so I have no idea if you’re a What’s-Eating-Gilbert-Grapin’, Can’t-Get-Out-Of-Beddin’, Fed-With-A-Shovelin’ kind of fat chick, or just a regular girl who has some extra junk in the trunk, as the kids say.


If you were the former, however, you probably wouldn’t be able to type a letter without some special keyboard for big fingers, so I’m going to just assume you’re a girl who’s not a heroin chic supermodel, is just like the rest of us, but with some wicked harsh self-esteem issues, no? And really, who wouldn’t have self-esteem issues, living in the society we live in, where 5 pounds can seem like 50?

So here’s what to do: forget about the whole “finding a boyfriend” thing for a while. If you concentrate on that you’ll come off as desperate and insecure, and you’ll attract bad guys who prey on desperate and insecure girls.

Instead, find stuff to do that makes you feel sexy. If you’re not already, become more active- go jogging in the park, join a gym, go to a yoga class. If you change your lifestyle to the tune of even 2 pounds lost, you’ll feel so much sexier to yourself that this confidence will radiate off of you in a manner that will have grown men weeping at your feet, consumed with passion for you. No matter that the average man can’t tell the difference between You and 2-Pound-Lighter You; it’s your attitude that’s changed here, and that’s what counts.


Also, it might help to change your ideas a wee bit concerning what men look for in women. Most men, in my experience, are not supermodels themselves, so why is it that we women somehow think that they’ll settle for nothing less than a supermodel? I’m sorry, but, as my redneck brother says, that dog won’t hunt. And for every guy out there who prefers a skinny chick, there’s a guy who’s all about a bigger body type. I’ll bet most guys fall somewhere in between.

Dear Ivyy:

Where do you get off? Everyone is fuckable in their own way. Who appointed you Supreme Decider of what IS and what is NOT fuckable? Shame on you.

Dear Anonymous:
Thanks for your interest. If I were physically capable of feeling shame, I would probably feel it right now. (What’s the feeling of shame like, readers? It must be a terrible thing.)

Anyhoo, stay tuned for a whole lot more sex advice and people you should find desirable. For now, I bid you a lovely goodbye!

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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8 Comments on "Big Girl Problems, and Ivyy’s First Hate Mail!"

  1. Dr. Lazarus Helm August 21, 2008 at 10:45 pm · Reply

    I hear this “shame” is rather like taking too many niacin supplements in one sitting. I did that once for my detox prior to my service in the Legion. My conclusion?

    I prefer opium to shame, thank you.

  2. Goose August 22, 2008 at 11:13 am · Reply

    My first question is… “How can anyone with any level of intellect even question Ivyy or the rest of the Donnybrook contingent?”

    Ivvy and her crew present some of the most diverse, insightful, and intelligent information out there. Whether it comes to sex, drugs and rock & roll, a Broadway show, fine dining, sports events or simply a night out at the local dive bar, the Donnybrook family are the consummate sophisticates and benefactors.

    In closing… the anonymous individual who tendered their modestly aggressive email to Ivvy, I suspect you may be out of the loop in this city and in life. This the pecking order so you know going forward… The word gets handed down from the Supreme Being to Ivvy, then Ivvy passes the word down to the Pontiffs, the world Governments and the media and then the rest of us get the information from those sources. So you may want to back it down a little as Ivvy has the ear of the Supreme Being.


  3. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook August 22, 2008 at 11:34 am · Reply

    I stood up and started cheering! Hooray, hooray ! Goose, your words move me so.

  4. Sid Pink
    Sid Pink August 24, 2008 at 3:35 am · Reply

    Bart: I felt… what’s the opposite of “shame”?

    Homer: ‘Pride’…?

    Bart: Not *that* far from shame.

    Homer: Less shame?

    Bart: (thoughtfully) Yeah.

  5. Cap'n Colleen August 29, 2008 at 12:50 pm · Reply

    Two things Ivyy, darling,

    1. Props to you on the body image advice. Way to handle that with honesty, compassion, and insight. Although, because you mentioned What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, I keep hearing Leonardo DiCaprio’s fake retarded voice screaming “Burger Barn! Burger Barn!” in my head.

    2. This Anonymous cat clearly doesn’t understand that your fuckability meter is, like, never wrong. Never. Methinks that since the complaining party didn’t want to leave a name, we should all just assume it was a disgruntled local musician in a shitty band that doesn’t rate high enough on the Ivyy scale to get mentioned. Sad.

  6. Col. Hector Bravado September 5, 2008 at 9:51 pm · Reply

    Ivyy’s notion is spot-on. Just a few laps around the block, and attitude and outlook manifest in sexy factor +10-12%. And learn some new words once in a while, too. A couple of years ago, I took home a big girl because she had an awesome vocabulary. She had big tits, too.

  7. Pandammo October 28, 2008 at 5:06 am · Reply

    I believe the statistic is 1 in 20 men is a “chubby chaser.” I have yet to find one though.

  8. hydell October 26, 2009 at 6:28 pm · Reply

    I thought your words were most kind, delicate and honest…I wouldve just said start starving yourself and running around the block CHUBBY…I don’t know how you do it Ivyy.

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