Celebrity Fuckery!!!

Ah Musha Cay… I remember my summers well – the entire Arabella Clan and my best gay Dirk, spending our summers away from all the craziness of school and work, soaking up the sun in the Bahamas – some of my best memories are playing in the white sands, threatening Consuela with deportation if she didn’t let Dirk and I bury her up to her chichis in the sand.

My latest foray into charity comes via one of my incredibly fabulous readers who is desperately in need of being brought into the loopage – enjoy, and you’re welcome.

My Dearest Alistair,

You MUST help me! I’ve spent the entire summer on Isla de la Ferradura and now that I’m back I’m fantastically tanned but horribly out of touch with what’s been going on in America – unless my friends want to talk about the most influential and fabulous people of the Ibiza club scene I have no idea what to say and I can’t stand anyone thinking they know more than I do – can you give me a quick crash course on what I need to know before I have to go back to Choate? –

Twink In The Making, CT

Oh you poor thing!!!! You mean your parents took you all the way to Spain and couldn’t afford to import you an In Touch? Not even a Life & Style? I think after a week of being completely devoid of gossip I’d have even settled for a basement baby like Star. Well, your fabulous and far too young to be your Auntie Alistair is here to swoop in and scoop you on all things important – So, I’m sure you’ve heard by now that there was an earthquake and a hurricane on the east coast – but that’s depressing, let’s move on, this summer was all about two MAJOR celeb breakups! No more J.Lo & Marc Anthony! No more Will Smith & Jada Pinkett mutually bearding each other! Here’s a look at the famous and fiery Latin couple in happier times:

Right on the heels of these two visions of love announcing they’re dunzo are rumors swirling that Will Smith and his long-time wife / beard / whatever, I don’t judge, Jada Pinkett are also on the outs – while they released a statement through their reps that their marriage is “intact” – the choice of wording in that announcement is leading everyone to believe that it’s only a matter of time before these two split up. It’s also reminding all of us to spay and neuter our pets, lest they remain “intact” as well.

It’s rumored that Will and Jada have an open marriage, so many are wondering why they’d even bother with a divorce if they’re both allowed to stray anyway, but the crazy part is these two shitty marriages ending could be tied together! Jada and Marc starred together on some crappy nurse / ER show, “HawthoRNe” and everyone’s wondering if now that they’re both conveniently splitting up at the same time as their show’s been cancelled, will they jump onto each other’s naughty bits for consoling??

Moving away from love breaking, let’s get into some love making… that’s still kind of tied to the love breaking part – all the tabloids are going totally nuts over Jennifer Aniston’s new man (and Tropic Thunder co-screenwriter) Justin Theroux – they’re going to appear together in some film that’s probably going to suck called Wanderlust and Jen totally pulled the slut n’ swoop! He left his girlfriend of 14 years to be with her and everyone’s crying foul over Jen’s totally “uncool” peen-swiping actions – does she care? Not in the least – she’s loving every second of it – I’ll agree with the gossip sites that he’s not really her type – they’re kind of um… I don’t know… opposites… in that he wears leather and drives a motorcycle and always has this look on his face like he’s thinking deep thoughts and she’s sooooo LA it’s not even funny, it’s like if Malibu Barbie started dating one of the Garbage Pail Kids – but they do seem pretty happy:

Look at those smug bastards – you know that shot haunts his ex-girlfriends dreams just like the time Justin roofie’d her drink so he could go to the Tropic Thunder premiere solo to pick up Tom Cruise’s groupie droppings. Jen’s smile has “Happy Homewrecker” all over it and people are up in arms over whether or not to be happy for her or throw her a side-eye of shade. So of course because Aniston’s been painted by the media as a “Little Miss Desperate” of Jennifer Love Hewitt proportions (don’t even get me started on THAT girl – you know she just released a book where she tells girls that if they’re solo on a weekend night they should go take a bubble bath with a tiara on – a fucking tiara!!! And she admitted that ever since she was 12 she’s gone to her local jewelry store and tried on wedding rings – EVERY. MONTH. Jesus.) all the tabs are speculating that Jen’s just got to be pushing this dude to either marry her or knock her up or both – only time’s going to tell us how this relationship pans out but I’d put my money on them getting married by the end of the year and divorcing by the end of next year after he’s gotten Jen sperminated and she drops his ass for having a roving brooding eye. And any celeb gossip catch-up isn’t complete without a journey into the mad world of Lindsay Lohan.

Don’t you wish you could go back in time and walk onto the set of The Parent Trap and pull a rescue swoop like Pee Wee grabbing his bike off the nun movie set in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure? Oh sweetheart, no, just… no – so she got out of jail, finally, is shirking her community service, and continues to tell everyone that she’s no longer on the bad shit, even though there’s footage of her buying some kind of white powder off a dude right off the street.

She’s come out and said these were bath crystals, and that no one in their right mind would be so stupid as to buy drugs off the street in broad daylight but when was this girl ever in her right mind? Isn’t that the perfect excuse anyway? “Officer, there’s no way you actually saw me pissing off of the roof of Mastro’s, that’s just crazy talk, I was merely pouring out the water in my bottle of VEEN so I could replace it with Vodka , anyone pissing off the side of a building is just insane!” but that’s just me and my for the most part logical brain talking, I don’t think it’s really fair for any of us to expect a girl who got Billy Joel lyrics tattooed on her ribcage to make logical decisions.

But the real Lohan dirt isn’t coming from Lyndsanity this time, it’s from her sister – little Ali Lohan – girl done gone and fucked her face all up!!!! Not more than a few months after she got signed to work with Next Model Management she goes down to 95 some pounds and does this to her face:

Seriously. Damn. And before you go crying foul – yes, that really is the same person in both photos. What the fuck, girl? Where was her mother? Oh wait, her mother is Dina Lohan, okay, sorry. It’s pictures like that that make me actually grateful for the mother I do have – at least she never tried to capture false dreams of stardom vicariously through her offspring. My mother had real life expectations – she married rich and popped out an heir and that was all she needed to do – she lives in the lap of first-wife luxury now with tied tubes and plenty of house boys to take advantage of – that woman is not complaining at all. Luckily for me she had zero interest in turning me into some kind of pageant whore and was totally happy with shoving me off to Daddykins for days spent learning the mining business and practicing finances on Wall Street. In fact, I think I’ll go make Consuela make her a vodka and tonic right now just to say thanks. So my little twinkle star – those were the biggest stories of the summer – earthquakes and hurricanes got nothing on celebrity gossip – make yourself a little cheat-sheet with these stories and you’ll be schooling your friends on what they really need to know in no time at all – and remember – school is fun, but skipping school to go smoke pot with the house servants before you make your driver take you and your friends to the mall is even better!