Coconut Clinic: Hurricane Sex and Crotch Fruit

Written by  //  November 11, 2012  //  Advice, Coconut Clinic, The Dormitory  //  No comments

A very special edition of Coconut Clinic.

The Donnybrook Writing Academy Coconut Clinic

Does hurricane sex count as cheating?

Nice try, douchebag. Unless it was some Day After Tomorrow scenario and the Statue of Liberty is washing past your apartment, no one is buying it.

The Donnybrook Writing Academy - Friends With Benefits, Coconut ClinicI am in a friends with benefits situation. I have made it clear there are zero strings attached and nothing meaningful will be coming out of this. Lately, she has been pestering me to take her home to meet my family for Thanksgiving. How do I make it clear to her that this will not be happening without losing my benefits?

Short answer; don’t take her.

Besides, the Thanksgiving weekend is notorious for hook ups with both friends and randos alike. If you don’t want to lose your benefits, sit down and DTR (am I the only one watching Awkward?). Again, tell her this is nothing more than fuckbuddy-ness. Meeting families during holidays is not part of the deal. It’s been that way sine the Revolution.

Hey! I’m a 26 year old single mom looking for that special someone. My life is amazing right now because of my amazing kids. Yet it’s tough for me to find someone simply for the fact that I rarely ever get chances to go out. When I do it’s something low key just to relax and enjoy a couple hours out of the house. I am a very open and honest person. I love being outside as much as possible doing whatever it may be. The park with my kids and the beach are my two favorite outdoor activities. I like all kinds of music except for heavy metal. I also enjoy all kinds of movies. Comedy and horror being my favorites. I was never a big bar or club person, but I sure don’t mind going to one every one in a while. A nice walk in the park or a quiet movie at home is much more relaxing for me after a day in my house. So why am I having a hard time finding guys?

Ugh, ugh UGH! First thing, stop with the kids BS. Wanna know why you’re alone? Because you blather on and on and on about your crotch fruit right at the top. A guy hears this and he is off like a used rubber. Yes, yes, we all get your life is ‘amazing’ due to your ‘amazing’ kids that will surely grow up to eradicate the common cold and bring peace to the Middle East.

Here’s another protip: you won’t meet guys at the park. You know what you call single guys at the park? Pedophiles. Or closeted gay guys looking to escape from their shrew of a wife. No dude’s idea of a good night entails dealing with crying kids making a scene at Arby’s. You will scare most men away at the mere mention of two kids. For your sake, yes, do bring it up, but then down play it. If there are future dates, then you can brag about how well Braden is doing in history and how Jaden is a great soccer player.

Outside of the typical places, try Google to find nearby single men with children groups.

The Donnybrook Writing Academy - Paula Broadwell / Coconut Clinic

So what if Paula Broadwell’s husband wrote you asking for advice? What would you have said?

First off, I would have said, “Dude? Your wife is 40? Dammnnnn, hold onto that shit, man.”

To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised that the eggheads read me. Balls honest advice is just that, and no one dishes out balls honest advice like me. In fact, I am pretty sure I just coined the term “balls honest”. So everybody please start using #BallsHonest because that would be pretty frigging cool. Sorry, so who’s life is in a shambles? Right, Patraeus. Here is the letter that some allege was written by Broadwell’s husband to something called the “NY Times”. I think it’s some sort of local weekly or morning show or something. Anywhoo:

The Donnybrook Writing Academy - Paula Broadwell & Husband / Coconut ClinicMy wife is having an affair with a government executive. His role is to manage a project whose progress is seen worldwide as a demonstration of American leadership. (This might seem hyperbolic, but it is not an exaggeration.) I have met with him on several occasions, and he has been gracious. (I doubt if he is aware of my knowledge.) I have watched the affair intensify over the last year, and I have also benefited from his generosity. He is engaged in work that I am passionate about and is absolutely the right person for the job. I strongly feel that exposing the affair will create a major distraction that would adversely impact the success of an important effort. My issue: Should I acknowledge this affair and finally force closure? Should I suffer in silence for the next year or two for a project I feel must succeed? Should I be “true to my heart” and walk away from the entire miserable situation and put the episode behind me? NAME WITHHELD

My reply would have been:

Cripes, if I get another email like this. “My wife’s cheating on me with a senator.” “My husband is cheating on me with the first lady.” “I wear tinfoil hats because it keeps the alien’s radio-waves from stealing my thoughts and I also look quite dashing in it.” We have a name for this and it’s POLITICS. Politics, at its base core, is all about fucking. Fucking the middle class. Fucking the constituents. And just out and out fucking.

These are pretty heady accusations you are casting, so I assume you have proof? Like 100% verifiable, balls honest evidence to support your claims? If this is all true, you better be able to back it up.

If you don’t have the proof, than perhaps give Cheaters a call, because that stuff looks totally legit and not staged at all.

One thing that strikes me is your apparent lack of anger. While I guess it’s somewhat admirable (you seem to think the guy boinking your wife is a swell fella), I find it a bit alarming. What are you feeling? Anger? Abandonment? Hurt? Confusion? Rejection? You tell me this miserable situation has been going on for a while, have you dealt with any of these emotions? Have you just accepted it?

DWA - Polyamory / Coconut Clinic

What project is so important? A re-election? A top secret spy mission? Closing all my open bar bills through out Denver?

In all honesty, this is a pickle of a situation (if true.) If this is as big as you claim, and like national security and all, I truly believe the best thing to do is call them on it privately. If there is a way you all can resolve this amongst yourselves in a quiet booth at the Olive Garden, that’s the path I would recommend. That way you avoid any scandal, and he is still “the right person for the job.” This might actually be the easy part, bub. The hard part is what do YOU want to happen? If you have the drop-as we call it in the spy business-on them, you best decide what you want out of it. Do you still want to be with her? Do you just want out of the situation all together? So decide what you want out of it before it can be decided for you. You and your wife sound like private citizens, and the media would eat you guys up. Especially her if she’s hot. Especially you if you’re not, and it ever comes out you wrote this.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting with a prospective biographer who comes highly recommended from a friend of mine in the CIA. Wish me luck!

About the Author

"Coconut" Roman Coke

"Coconut" Roman Coke is on a slow path to world domination which has led him to many callings: professional lacrosse player, helicopter pilot, foot model, and double agent.

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