Coconut Clinic 5/11

Cripes, in between hosting numerous Welcome Peyton parties and sexting my new celeb crush Sara Underwood, my inbox is overflowing with questions. Please, can you guys start to figure your own shit out? When I took on this column, I was not aware of the drama queens that read us. Idiocy is the new obesity. Let me put on my “desperately trying to care” pants and see what we get.

Lately my girl has been slumming it up when we go out to eat. She looks “passable” but not as sexy as she can be. How do I get her to dress a bit more sexy? -Danny

Well, let’s make sure we’re on the same page here. By “going out”, I am assuming you are taking her to a better grade of restaurant than Shoney’s, and perhaps someplace you don’t have a Groupon for. OK, so since we are level, this is a classic situation where the credo “give to get” comes into play. If she’s not dressing sexy, then what are you dressing like? I would venture to bet this might be the time to lose the natty Rockies ’07 National League Champions shirt and grimy Chucks. Don’t know how to class up? Easy, just ask your girl what she likes to see you wearing. Not only does she know, but you will gain massive boyfriend points just by asking her opinion. Now, seize on this opportunity to say, “Baby, you know what you look sexy in?” and lay it out for her.

Of course, be advised that your idea of “sexy” is probably going to equal “slutty” in her world. It’s a fine line, for sure. If you want her to look like some street walker, you have to gradually work her way there.

My BF just friended his ex on Facebook. Should I be concerned?

Is she hotter than you?

Generally, this is cause for some concern. I am of the mind when there is a break up (irregardless of who did the breaking up or why) that person is dead (and for the sake of the lawyers looking over my shoulder, I have to add ) to me. Done, forgotten, a closed chapter. I really don’t see the need to be friendly at all with an ex. So, yea, be concerned, especially if they post anything on their wall (if you can fucking figure out how to do that with this new timeline horseshit) and pictures to be tagged.

My guy actually told me to leave him alone while the Stanley Cup playoffs are going on? I am pissed. -Not Hot 4 Hockey

I don’t see the issue. Your guy has his priorities in line, and you should find comfort in that. But give him a blowjob before a game just to show you still care.

Do aphrodisiacs really work? If so, what are the best kind?

I find it hard to believe slimy things like oysters can fire people up. You know what I think the best aphrodisiac is? The idea of it. You can pose just about anything as one; fried chicken, white wine, aerosol paint, hell some weirdos at the Manor go on all day about the powers of bacon. Regardless, if the mood is right, just about anything can be an aphrodisiac. You can train your girl like Pavlov’s dog here. So one night, give her a few Beast Ice, then be all super romantic and boff her fucking brains out. Next time, same thing; a few Beasts, then an epic shagging. Soon enough, she’ll be bringing over her own 30 packs and viola, Beast is now an aphrodisiac. You can pretty much train her on anything. You’re welcome.

Every day, I see this gorgeous girl on the bus after work. She’s beautiful. We make eye contact at least once, then both of us quickly turn away as if it never happened. I am dying to make a move on her, but am chickenshit at heart. Plus, what if I ask her out and she says no? That bus ride will be AWKWARD. Really, some days, just seeing her, and that fleeting moment our eyes lock can really make up for the shittiest of days. What should I do? -Bus Ted

Well, I suppose you can do what every other loser does in these situations these days; post this on CraigsList and hope she reads it and figures it out. Because that always works, right?

Believe it or not, I do identify with you. I can see the value of her. I do get how just her mere presence at the end of a shitty day can be that little thing to pull you through. One of those days when your boss is all like, “Miller, you screwed up the damn TPS reports again.” And you’re like, “Um, sir my name is Gonzales and I don’t even work on the TPS reports.” And then you see her on the bus, and it’s that fantasy, that “what if” can be so damn comforting. But it can also be so safe. It’s an easy place to be, that limbo where you never get to know, because you never GET to “no”. I get it.

There’s a saying, (I think either Wayne Gretzky or Jenny McCarthy said it) “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So if you’re into eternal torture 5 days a week, just never approach her. But I dare you to make this a defining moment for yourself. Sometimes there is great confidence in just knowing….

So my buddy just got engaged to a girl I banged a few times back in the day. It was never anything beyond a few casual bangs at the occasional party. We (the girl and I) were both fully aware of it when she started dating my buddy. Now a few years have gone by and we never told him. Is there really any point to tell him now? -Tyler

Hmmm, this sounds like a plotline to just about every show on the CW. If it was nothing of any real consequence when it happened, no feelings were ever hurt and it was just a few times before she got involved with you friend, I will venture to say the time to tell him has come and gone. If you and the girl are cool with it, then bury it. However, look out the first time they fight. And even though you may be tempted, do NOT bring this up during any toast you may be made to make at the wedding.

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