Coconut Clinic: A Matter of Inches
Coconut Has His Hands Full with his Latest Reader’s Coitus-Conundrum
It’s not so much that I dislike My Guy or that I foresee any looming storm clouds on the horizon as I navigate the erratic oceans of a new relationship, rather it is a matter of his having a tiny little penis. I am a lustful person by nature, I simply cannot help myself, and when I greedily opened his jeans… well I feel I hid my disappointment well, but what can I do? I haven’t had sex with him yet (which will lead me into a slightly more complex problem next) but I am terribly worried it will lead to an… anti-climax rather than a climax should things become a little more conjugal.
My second problem is as follows: we have only been dating for a month and he is much less experienced than I. I think I have been moving too fast. How do I slow things down in a way that is casual, cool and comfortable? I don’t want to upset him- I like this one.
Dear 3-4 Inches,
You know, it’s funny; a few days ago I got an email from a very concerned young man. Turns out he just started dating a new girl and she had a “monstrous vagina.” Hmmm, coincidence?
I am sure there is a legion of men who appreciate you putting up with a 3-4 inch penis. And I am sure there is another legion of men who are thinking, “Shit, 3-4 inches is small?” It’s clear to me from the tone of your email that you are not basing everything on your perception of a small penis. And that, even for a month, shows you are fostering feelings for this gentlemen caller. At least I guess blowing him would be easier?
Look, I could easily fill 15 Clinics with small penises. Er, wait a minute, that didn’t come out right. It seems most of my email deals with penis. “His penis is too small” from a girl. “Is my penis small?” from a guy. Stop fucking asking ME! I have come to the conclusion that most of you, men and women, are obsessed with the penis. (On a side note, how come I never get any email about big vaginas? That’s never an issue. It’s always the cock is too small. Shallow bitches.) It makes me feel dirty. So you, 3-4 Inches, will be taking the collective bullet for everyone, and the rest of my female fans can send me boobie pictures.
My initial response is to find myself retreating to cliches like he’s a grower, not a shower. It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean, etc and so on. OK, so are you SURE it’s 3-4 inches? Are you sure he was, in fact, “full tent?” Perhaps it’s a matter of perspective. Maybe a quick shave in the nether regions will make his penis look bigger. Maybe this elephant underwear? Can you dress in slutty costumes? You would be surprised where an extra inch could come from if you’re dressed like Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi.
Look, a small penis is just a small part of the entire picture of your guy. Does he make you laugh? (I mean not with his small dong.) Does he listen when you blather on about your day? Does he take you nice places and do nice things? Enough of the “does he” questions. Do you find yourself day dreaming about him? Do you look forward to spending time with him? And when you do, does the time just fly right by?
So it’s just a tiny piece (no, no pun intended) of the bigger picture. A small penis doesn’t take you to the movies. A small penis doesn’t fix your car or hold your hair when you are praying to the porcelain god after one too many hard lemonades. Well, actually, technically, I guess a small penis can do all that, but I think you see my point.
Now we move onto the experience part. So, you’re a slut. Look at it this way, in 99.99% of relationships, someone is more experienced. (Unless you’re freaking Tim Tebow, but that’s probably more PR than anything else.) The funny part of being the more experienced one is that you don’t really have an idea of what is too fast. Personally, I think you should be commended for recognizing this as a possible problem. Hard part is you may not have much experience in dialing it back down. So this is where you will have to rely on him.
So here’s a novel idea. When you are having a moment with him, say something to the effect of, “Hey look, I really like you. I don’t want this (make fingering/pointy motions from him to you and back repeatedly) to get messed up. If we (and it’s vital you say “we” here. It implies togetherness, that you two are a squad and on the same team, working towards the same goal) move too slow (say that first) or too fast, I wanna know.” Treat it as a team effort.
And hey let’s give shorty the benefit of the doubt. He may know how to use his 3-4 inches. And even if he doesn’t, use this as an opportunity. You can teach him other things. How to use his tongue. How to use his hands and fingers. Ivyy literally has rooms full of vibrators, ben wa balls and objects that I know not of what they do. Or where they go.
I’ll expect a wedding invitation in a few years. I’ll be too busy to come, of course, but I’ll expect it nonetheless.