Coconut Clinic; The “Before Hell Engulfs Us” Edition

It’s comforting to know as our state is burning to the ground, you little twits still have first world problems to whine about.

So I was on one of those ex-girlfriend video sites the other day and saw my buddy’s new girlfriend in a video. Have you seen this?

Well, that depends, what does she look like?

One would think with the prevalence of drunk girls making poor decisions and affordable high def cameras, this would be happening more. The net is chock full of this stuff. Now, I would love to say that I’ve seen some girl I knew/known/have known on one of these said sites, but I haven’t had the pleasure yet. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of surprising, seeing as how much of my resume is compiled with said drunk girls with poor decision skills. Hmm, time for more investigating…

Oh shit, right, what are you supposed to do? You could always be blunt and say, “So, lemme tell you how I ended up jacking off to your girlfriend the other day.” If you find that a bit forward, maybe ask him just how well he knows the new chick. What I would NOT do is bring it up to her. You don’t know the circumstances, plus she might already be aware of and and just maybe a tad ashamed. She also might not even know it’s on the net, and that’s a whole can of bullshit you don’t want to bring up. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some old acquaintances to check up on.

What’s all this hype about 50 Shades of Grey?

OK, I admit I had to Google this. I originally thought it was an old Staind CD (who buys CDs anymore?) but it turns out to be a book (who buys books anymore?). So I asked some of the Manor help, the literate ones anyway, and it turns out this book is quite the rage. Turns out it is supposed to be quite smutty. But yet it’s a best seller at Target. Now I don’t know how ‘smutty’ smutty can be when Target freaking sells it, so I have my suspicions. An while I have tortured myself with chick entertainment in the past, I don’t know that I can force myself to sit down and read a book I have no desire to. Unless there’s a bunch of explosions, titties and double agentry in the first chapter, I’m checking out.

The last three relationships I’ve had all ended when the girl dumped me. All 3 said they like “the nice guys”, yet all three dumped me even though I treated them like queens. None of them were redic out of my league. I took them to nice dinners, was always polite and courteous, etc. In fact, I don’t know how I could have been nicer. Yet here I am alone. Seriously, Coconut, like what the fuck?

The answer in brief. Simple; all girls are cunts. Raging, moody, occasionally hairy cunts.

Long answer; girls are still cunts.

Now there is a possibility you might have actually been smothering when you thought you were being nice. In your case, I tend to doubt that, since you actually use words like “courteous” and even spell it correctly. And look, I can go on and on here, but the fact of the matter is this:

Half the time I am not sure girls have any idea what the fuck they want. A girl can tell you you are everything she dreamed about in a guy. A week later she’s calling you “fucktard” and throwing all manner of silverware just because it’s Wednesday. I really think girls don’t know what they want, and when they find something good, some internal switch gets set to “psycho” and you’re the cause. I know this isn’t an answer, so let me say this. Examine your behavior to make sure you’re not doing anything creepy. Modify anything if you have to, then act in a manner that makes you comfortable. The fact of the matter is YOU have to carry yourself in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Girls get so much easier when you are comfortable with yourself.

Do you believe in the concept of “the one who got away?” I ask because I recently moved in with my girl friend. Not too soon afterwards, I couldn’t get the thought of an old girlfriend out of my head. Now I am unsure if I moved in because I really wanted to, or it just seemed the thing to do after being together for a period of time. Now I find myself thinking about the ex, wondering where she is. I’ve even tried tracking her down on Facebook and LinkedIn with no luck . I have found myself really questioning my feelings towards both girls.

First Anderson Cooper, now this? I can’t give you an answer, because you didn’t tell me the whole story, doofus. Key here is why you and the ex broke up in the first place. Was it something you did? Something she did? Without that info, I really can’t tell whether to go all “Chasing Amy” or stay put.

So let’s live in the present here. The issue at hand is you are apparently doubting your feelings towards your current live in squeeze. You need to figure that out first before moving on. Why are you doubting your feelings toward her? Does your ex really have anything to do with it at all, or are you just using that as an excuse to further increase your doubts about your current relationship? I generally tend to think moving back is rarely moving forward.

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