Collegiate Basketsballing Tournament

J. Erstmill Chabbleshanks Esq. is a former sports editor at Bibbs and Tanner’s Herculaneum Periodical of Adroit Feats and can be found ranting about more than just sports at Zach Gets Down.

With the first quarter of the young year nigh on end, no doubt you’re beginning to hear grumblings among those you employ, or among those who pass by you on the way to your place of business, about the ranking, placement, and entrance of certain athletic clubs of academic institutions into some sort of base taxonomy, pitted against one another in matches, perhaps to the death.

No doubt you are also hearing about a dreadful condition permeating in your lower dwellings, something called a “Madness of March,” which could result in the afflicted becoming falsely confident in predicting the outcomes of contests of which they have no previous knowledge, and becoming even worse than before with the handling of their money.

Nary you mind protecting your own wallets, my fellow titans of industry; this is a psychological, if not fictional and self-imposed, affliction that occurs every year around this very time.

It revolves around the commoners’ sport of Basketsball, a rather indecorous match in which a respective club or establishment submits their tallest members in order to put an orange orb through one of two stationary baskets, hence the unsurprisingly unoriginal titular heading  of the sport. I know what you are thinking and YEA, it is not too unremarkably unlike our game of Bittle Tending, except of course the use of only two baskets and the complete and utter LACK of strategically ordering pawns to their own demise.

Guffaw! As if these rag-tag teams of hooligans could theorize such complex strategies as composed regularly in Bittle Tending! Guffaw, I say!

But it should be known, as many of you already sense, like a shark in blood-imbued waters, that there is money to be absconded with in these games and their baskets! The commoner’s and their legislative officials seem to have pardoned their primitive gambling laws for the purposes of devising a collective “pool,” (metaphorical, of course, you won’t have to tread into their above-ground tubs, my friend! Guffaw, thrice!) in which all who pay a minimal fee will be able to submit a predictions sheet of the outcomes, and the most accurate among them wins the submission fees collective.

Collecting moneys based on predictions, whether accurate or erroneous? Sounds a bit like our racket, wouldn’t you say, old beans? Huzzah!

Unlike our own commission based commodities and such, you’re going to have to know a marginal amount about the commodities, in this case “teams,” as they’ll be pitted against one another, yielding their precise value. Complicated, yes, but consider it like comparing commodities for a meal. Wheat may be at a certain value, x, when coupled with, say, the value of blueberries, y. But when coupled with another variable, say, strawberries, z, the value of wheat may either rise or fall, x+/-. Simply put, one team may be better suited to compete against another, despite sundry statistics saying that they would certainly lose against other teams. It is important, for the semblance of unyielding confidence, to answer affirmatively.

Confusing, yea. Mattering in the long run? NAY.

There will be several teams entering this vestigial tournament that will be heavily favored, and others that will be not so, but “Horses That Are Dark” to succeed. It is important to intermingle the two, so as to seem as if you understand more than you actually might about the games, and that you believe these seemingly underrated “Horses That Are Dark” could succeed. Some evaluation tips for some of the teams currently submitted to play:

1.)   Duke is NOT the titles of the collective team! It is the name of the institution itself, a safety school founded on the old tobacco plains of our ancestors. Do not pick their success based on their perceived lordship! REPEAT: THEY HAVE NO TITLES.

2.)   The University of Little Rock Trojans do not employ the use of a large wooden horse, nor do they utilize small stones in their game play. Rank accordingly.

3.)   The Wildcats of Kentucky have an Italian, John Calipari, coaching their young men. He is known to use subversive and underhanded means to win championships, in institutions such as the University of Memphis (Tennessee, not Egypt). Take note and RANK HIM HIGHLY.

4.)   Our dear alma mater, Twartmouth, is not in the tournament, rather opting to compete in a Fittswottle Tournament of Wits and Brawn. It is lonely at the top.

5.)   Gonzaga is the actual name of an institution as well. No one is joshing you.

6.)   Select North Carolina to win the entire tournament. When asked why, simply say “Well, you know, it’s just their time.” This answer will suffice.

Fill out your bracket, submit it to your inferior (HAHAHAHAH), attach your own paltry entry fee, and wait for the tournament to unfold. For all of the posturing you’ve done in the previous few days, it will all pay off shortly. Fill out an additional bracket with the winning teams. Submit it after the tournament is over to the aforementioned inferior, immediately condemning some action he’s been doing poorly (“These last few reports have been sloppy,” “Did someone defecate in the printer and smear your name on it?” “Mother of God, does your wife mind when you turn things in this slowly?), wink at him. And walk away, winnings in your pocket.

Sometimes, participating in these trivial trials of the plebeians will bring about a commradery that they will appreciate, making you more peer-like, and boosting morale, subsequently increasing profits. But winning their tourney invites all of that morale, while still very much enforcing your superior status. Why, this Madness during March might just be a welcome disease next year!

Excelsior!