Concerned Interview: Everything Absent or Distorted
Amazing photos by Todd Roeth
As concerned citizens, Donnybrook turns our sharpened critical eyes on emerging artists – to make sure they’re up to our standards, see? In this interview, Angora Holly Polo fires tough questions at all 35 members of Everything Absent or Distorted in anticipation of the release of their new album, the Great Collapse – which has become Donnybrook’s latest sexy party soundtrack on repeat. The release party is December 6th at the Gothic Theatre. And now I give you…Everything Absent or Distorted.
Question the First:
It’s Thanksgiving at Needlepoint Records, and all the little EAODs are gathered round the table. Please describe the scene for me (and don’t hold back on the details, please. I want to know what color eyes the hookers have).
In an abandoned coal mine we bring in lots of red wine and crucifixes – and an altar made of elk horns. Jody always wears his Gorilla costume and serves as master of ceremonies. Since we don’t eat meat, 8 pounds of wheat gluten are sacrificed in honor of Robert Pollard, godfather of practically all good music these days. The pile of molten goo is burned with a kindling of kerosene and Everclear ©. We cover the floor in huge canvasses and sling red and black paint around during the climax of the festivities like Jackson Pollock on horse tranquilizers. Historically, we rotate 2 vinyl records back and forth during the course of the evening: Bela Lugosi is Dead by Bauhaus and Edith Piaf Live at Carnegie Hall. And then we all have sex together as dessert. Vegan Style!!!
It’s a well-known fact that Everything Absent or Distorted is a band which has 35 members, each of which who play 450 instruments. Please enlighten us on how you decide who plays what instrument when. Drawing names from a hat? Wrastling?
We pull our penises out of our pants and whomever’s erection is the longest sings. We then go in descending order from largest to smallest – guitars, bass, violin, horns, keyboards, drums. Trevor usually plays drums.
Please pass the cranberry sauce. Thank you. Now tell me about this new album. I hear it took a really long time because you had to make sure all 35 of you were 100% happy with the end product. What’s up with this artistic integrity crap?
That’s a longstanding urban myth not unlike our beloved Sasquatch. We just wanted to sit around and drink whiskey together on Saturdays for as long as humanly possible without our wives and girlfriends asking too many questions. We ultimately had to wrap up in order to justify our year of dude-only debauchery.
I see you’re playing Canadian Music week in Toronto. Please list 7 reasons why you’re totally gay for Canada. If you’re not, please make them up, and we’ll decide if you’re being sincere.
Feist, Peaches, Neko Case, Amy Milan, Emily Haines, Joni Mitchell, and Rufus Wainright. And those adorable Canadian Mounty’s on horseback in those red military suits and knee high boots and…
I don’t think you’re being sincere. So you’re abandoning SXSW to go to the Canadians, huh? What – are we not good enough for you? Why do you hate America? Please answer in haiku form.
You have no more nacho cheese
These chips are so dry
If there were one activity someone should do (for example driving, drinking, fellating, all of the above) while listening to the Great Collapse, what would it be?
Transcendental Buddhist Meditation with David Lynch and Krystof Kieslowski’s ghost at the Rothko Chapel in Houston.
What’s up with that sweater? Did your mom knit it that for you?
Go fuck yourself. Argyle is the new black?
When Donnybrook released our ill-informed, bad mistake of an R & B album in the ’80s, the only way one could acquire it was through a series of clues left behind by dangerous secret societies in pieces of classic art. Actually that might have been a movie made with Audrey Tatou and Tom Hanks. How does one acquire the Great Collapse?
You dress up like Amelie Poulain and snap photographs of car accidents at the intersection of Colfax and Broadway. Then look inside your panties.
If we attend your CD release party at the Gothic Theatre December 6th, what would YOU do for US?
Make you cry and have an orgasm at the same time.
Well there you have it, folks – if you go to the Gothic Theater on December 6th, prepare for the best, worst crying orgasm of your life! Donnybrook is highly supportive of this.
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