Worst Gadgets, 2013 Consumer Electronics Show

Manservant Hans wanders through Nerdvana

The Consumer Electronics Show is in full-swing in Las Vegas. I chose not to attend this year because I strongly believe that any gala event involving technology must also have a better-than-even chance of two ladies of the night dressed as Princess Leia engaging in lesbian coitus. Without scantily clad and uncomfortable women being fawned over by grown men wearing shirts that declare “Guns don’t kill people. Kids who play violent video games kill people” there is no point.

Instead, my manservant Hans has gone to the show to bring back information on the most frivolous of emergent technology so that I might better understand the common man. He may also engage in some light industrial espionage, as is his wont. Here are some of the most insipid and overrated items on display at the 2013 CES:

iPhone Touch Case

Apple chose not to attend this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, but that didn’t stop third-party developers from violating Apple products. Rather than simply have a frustrating and inexact touchscreen on the front of their phone, users may now transform the entire outer shell of their iPhone into a touchable surface that will not only confuse and flummox input, but feels almost exactly—but not quite—like the youthful flesh of a poxy crocodile.

Smart Glasses

Like many, I have been cursed with only the two primary eyes set into my face. On many occasions I have lost sight of the young lady I was tailing home from her waitressing shift in order to receive a Facebook update about sushi being consumed by one of my constituents. Thankfully, the smart glasses from Vuzix make this a thing of the past.

Now with the miracle of Bluetooth I am able to engage many of the features of my smartphone without ever looking away from what I am currently doing. The glasses are able to browse websites, receive texts, operate a computer interface, and record video. They offer the self-important douchebaggery of a Bluetooth headset while also managing to make users look like a sales representative on the floor of a mid-90′s Abercrombie and Fitch.

A Slow Forking

Dieticians and Nutritionists—the true elite of the medical majors at Bob’s Learnin’ N Stuff Community College—agree that eating slower will aid in losing weight. This fork, the inexpertly named HAPIfork, helps the process of slowing down eating by initiating a vibration and blinking light when you consume your food too quickly.

While the idea is sound, most individuals who are gorging themselves at an accelerated rate have long ago given up the idea of using forks, after numerous injuries. They are typically now employing their grease-stained hands to shovel the meal into their gaping maw or else are bent over a trough, rooting and sucking.

That being said, I enjoyed the sensation of the metal tines chattering across my teeth as I ate. It made my skull sing like a finely tuned chime and the lights gave my epileptic mistress a grand mal fit.

Scratch 2 Go

Oh the hip, Lavigne-esque joy of replacing words with numerical representations, will you ever cease to be a delight? This piece of “hardware” has would-be DJs the world over leaving their seats wet with anticipation. It attaches to your iPad and creates a miniaturized turntable setup so that you too can be pure magic on the 1′s and 2′s. Add in an autotune app and you’re ready to hit the stage.

There are still days to go at the Consumer Electronics Show, with a grand finale all but certain. What marvel of modern technology will be unveiled? A lo-jack for your animatronic LEGO dog? A sex robot that runs on sawdust? An app that tracks your drinking and immediately saturates your system with prophylactic hormones when you are twice the legal limit? One can only hope.