Denver’s Most Fuckable Bartender | Maggie Moody
Denver’s Most Fuckable Bartenders
People really dig the Most Fuckable Rockstars shit, so they keep bugging us: “Can’t I be the next fuckable? Why don’t you extend it to bartenders? Why don’t you extend it to accountants?”
So we decided to throw you a bone. Ha ha, bone. I now present you with: Denver’s Most Fuckable Bartender, chosen by THE Bartender himself:
Can we all agree that being fuckable is retardedly arbitrary? Anything with a hole or a dick is fuckable, even a dick-shaped object, or lubed-up hole in the wall is fuckable. But what separates being fuckable, and being Denver’s Most Fuckable Bartender is one gaping detail: Not only do you have to have a hole or dick shaped object, but you’ve got to be able to pour a stiff cocktail and look damn sexy while doing it — sexier-than-a-ten-inch-dick sexy.
This week’s Most Fuckable Bartender is Maggie Moody – an experienced Denver bartender, she moonlighted at Evolution, Double Daughters and Shag Lounge (where she still occasionally works) before landing at Larimer Lounge. Her favorite drink is tequila and if you order the Moody special you’ll be getting a High Life on ice with a fresh lime squeezed into the drink.
Maggie does other things besides being a fuckable bartender: she’s an intern at the glossy and decadent FM magazine, where she writes depraved stories about kids in Africa fermenting shit and piss and getting high off the fumes (Seriously, read it in the next issue. What kind of world do we live when African kids can’t get a 40 oz. and have to settle for huffing piss and shit fumes? I’m going to write a letter to my congressman and tell her to start sending cases of Boone’s Farm right away to these children – god knows American children won’t drink it Boone’s – spoiled little turds, all they want is Cristal).
If you want to see Maggie in top form, go to her Ninja Bingo happy hour on Mondays at the Larimer (2721 Larimer st.). I hear she gives away pornography for prizes. If you tip her well, she might tell you her Las Vegas, NM story. Better yet, she might tell you the story of how she sold her car and with the profit from the sale; she was able to move to Brooklyn with some change left over to pay a crack-smoking tattoo artist to ink a Salvador Dali impression on her arm and chest.
But before you start demanding anything from Maggie, buy her a shot a of tequila first and don’t lean over the bar to get her attention because she can see you just fine where you are and she’ll get to you in a little bit.
Keep Drinking and Tipping