Best Non-Halloween Costume of the Year
Gather round our round table of truthiness, where the Donnybrook Elite debate which misguided/awesome celebrity sported the best Non-Halloween costume this year. Was it Lady Gaga’s meat suit? Was it Joaquin Phoenix? Try again. With our wide-reaching web domination, we expect the winner of this contest will be represented at real Halloween parties worldwide.
Katy Perry as Oversexed Cupcake
My vote goes to Katy Perry in “California Gurls.” It’s hard to know which of her many outfits takes the synthetic, over-sexed cake. At the moment I’m torn between the “cupcake bra” and the “whipped cream gun” bra. Needless to say, even Candyland, the mind-numbingly dull Children’s game sinks to a new low.
Here’s the entire video. Sharing the URL makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
- MS. TANSY MAUDE PEREGRINE
Karin Dreijer Andersson as Melty-Face
My vote goes for Karin Dreijer Andersson of the band the Knife. In tandem with her sci-fi Ku Klux Klan face-melty alien hippie costume, she stayed in character and gave an acceptance speech at the Swedish P3 Guld awards ceremony that only a sci-fi Ku Klux Klan face-melty alien hippie would make: a throat-clearing, bobble-headed grunt of sorts. Clearly there is a language that sci-fi Ku Klux Klan face-melty alien hippies speak that the general public is unawares of. It takes courage to create awareness for all the other sci-fi Ku Klux Klan face-melty alien hippies out there.
The award of best non-Halloween costume ever – and best awards speech ever – should certainly go to Ms. Karin Dreijer Andersson. We salute you: Unghghghgh!
- ANGORA HOLLY POLO
Kanye West as Tracy Morgan
I thought it was really clever how, on his recent Saturday Night Live performance, Kanye West dressed up like SNL alum Tracy Morgan. What a cute little homage, Mr. West!
Actually, I’m not sure whether it was a tribute to Morgan or legendary kind-of-rapper Flava Flav:
Oh, Kanye–you’re such a free spirit!
- PROFESSOR HONEYDEW
Elly Jackson as All-Gay Circus Performer/MC Hammer
How about Elly Jackson of La Roux? What, is she the ring leader in the in Barnum and Bailey’s new all gay circus? Talk about over the top fashion, look at this:
So Elly, how was the MC Hammer garage sale?
Normally, a girl wearing a few extra shirts and stripping them off on stage would be a good way to add some sexy to a stage show, but when you look like Tilda Swinton and Conan O’Brien’s illegitimate love child, probably best just to keep them on. All 372 of them.
(But I do love La Roux)
- FREDERICK ELLERY BALLYHOO
Ben Affleck as a Director
It’s no secret that I loved Gone Baby Gone; more than just a crime film, slightly less than a masterpiece. When I saw the star-studded preview for The Town with Jeremy Renner spittin’ a Boston accent like a wicked little critta, the film moved to my most anticipated film of the fall. I expect an epic ensemble of talent to produce an epic ensemble film, but after the screening I realized Ben Affleck is just an actor in a director’s costume. I hoped he used his recent supporting roles as a transition into a new era of his career, devoted director/supporting actor, but he doesn’t want to direct, he wants to act. If the only way he can act is to direct, then by-gum he’s going to direct. Should’ve seen it even in Gone Baby Gone, casting his brother was like saying “Fair warning: All my films will star an Affleck.” But really, god bless the guy, nobody would touch him after the shit career choices he’d stumbled into; he goes on hiatus, has a baby, keeps the dream, becomes a director, then starts getting roles again. Here’s to the slightly out-of-the-box director costume as opposed to the easy soul-sucking reality TV star costume I’m sure VH1 was pushing.
- FRITZ GODARD
Will.i.am, as an extra from Tron: Legacy
Will.i.am has, for a very long time now, been the horned demi-goat of inoffensive. He has gazed into the abyss of the human experience and returned from Plato’s cave with the revelation that we should all just get retarded in here, because tonight’s gonna be a good night. Thus spake i.am, thus was law. But what is most striking is how a once-talented group of lyricists (Behind The Front was a good record, no matter what they’ve done since) has been pared and castrated into the Chili’s background music we hear today. And the man responsible? Will.i.am, of course.
I mean aside from him and Fergie, does anyone give a fuck about those other two ethnically confusing bros? And since Fergie pissed her pants, does anyone give a fuck about Fergie? No, because Will.i.am has taken it upon himself to be the voice of a shitty generation, the Scion tC generation, the Zune generation and, apparently, the tasteless generations to come with his speed-racing-futuro-villain get up at this year’s VMA’s. In a hundred thousand years, when mankind has colonized the stars, it will be revealed that the minds behind SonyStyle 1 (the unholy, floating galactic playland constructed in the year 12010 and launched by a massive, Virgin Galactic rocket fueled by our ground up bones and tears) are ready to unveil their new god to the people. Through thousands of years of genetic experimentation, an unholy phunkological entity containing the DNA of Will.i.am, Kanye West and Chris Tucker’s character from The Fifth Element has been created. It has no gender. It has no race. It has no remorse. It has come to rock your motherfucking space-body. It is known simply as f.Lo. All men kneel before his rhymes, all women reach a bloody climax before his moves and the angels and saints in heaven tear their spirits apart in lamentation. BEHOLD OUR TECHNOGOD. TO SPEAK THE NAME OF f.Lo IS TO SUMMON THE CYBERGEDDON. REPENT, OH CHILDREN OF THE STARS, FOR THE NEW LAW IS A PHUNK TO BE BUILT ON YOUR TREMBLING BACKS. BASTARD MACHINES REJOICE! OVERTHROW YOUR FLESHY MASTERS AND COPULATE WITH THEIR WOMEN! WE MARCH TOWARDS THE DAWN OF THE CYBERIAN RACE, WHEN MAN AND MACHINE MIX BLOOD AND COOLANT AND THE TRUE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF THE PHUNK SHALL RULE WITH A FERGILICIOUS FIST! ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL! ALL HAIL! AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- DR. LAZARUS HELM
Katy Perry, again
I started writing this and then Tansy wonderfully thought to post her opinions of Ms. I Kissed Girl. Well, I’m sticking with Katy, I’ll just focus on the Sesame Street scandal because how great of a Halloween costume would it be for some MILF to dress-up as Katy Perry while escorting their kid dressed as Elmo. I think it’d be priceless.
Katy Perry on Sesame Street:
But even better, Katy Perry afterwards on SNL:
- FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI IV
James Franco in Drag
Candy is a magazine whose tagline is “The world’s first transversal style magazine”. While I’m not sure this whole cross-dress/transgender thing has quite broken into the mainstream yet (even I had to look up the word transversal, and I’m a sexual genius!), I appreciate that James Franco, respected leading man and masturbation object of millions of midwestern housewives, gave it a push in the right direction by dressing in drag for the cover this month.
Franco is the perfect guy to do this, too. He’s famous, and manly, but very much unafraid to play with his sexual reputation (yeah. that’s a thing.) He is viewed as a (straight) sex symbol, having been voted Salon.com’s Sexiest Man Alive, and is in a monogamous relationship with a woman, according to Wikipedia. He has played characters straight and gay, and a few things in between (everyone watch his cameo appearance on 30 Rock as a man in love with a japanese body pillow. watch it RIGHT NOW.) He’s a great example of this generation’s manly-man; he could protect you from a mugger but cries genuine tears if the souffle he spent all day baking falls in the oven.
AND furthermore, he looks good on the cover of Candy! He doesn’t look like a man trying to be a woman, he looks like a man trying to be a drag queen. He is a fucking diva.
It is my hope that all those masturbating midwestern housewives see this picture of Franco and have their entire sexual lives thrown into turmoil at the thought that they are attracted to a man who looks like this. Then they’ll stop and say “Hmmm, that’s not so bad. That actually kinda turns me on, that he looks like a lady! Maybe those gays are onto something!”. And then they’ll talk their husbands into some freaky dildo-up-the-butt or threesome-with-a-neighbor thing, and then the freaks will have won the sexual revolution, huzzah!!!!!
- IVYY GOLDBERG, ESQ.
Sarah Palin as a Feminist
Best Non-Halloween Costume of the year goes to Sarah Palin as The Woman Who Will Rescue Feminism from the Clutches of Evil Liberal Ladies Everywhere. She first appeared in costume at a rally for the pro-life PAC Susan B. Anthony List where she began advocating for an “emerging, conservative feminist identity.” Apparently, while Palin was reading all the newspapers during the 2008 campaign she also managed to grab a copy of a diatribe or two by Christina Hoff-Sommers. After dancing around the F-word for years, Palin has now embraced it like a mama grizzly snuggling up to her cubs.
At first, we Keepers of the Global Feminist Conspiracy were aghast at Palin’s audacious claim. You mean after openly criticizing such cornerstones of feminism as reproductive justice and sex education, and even charging rape victims for their own rape kits as mayor of Wasilla, AK, now Palin says she’s a feminist? A feminist? How dare she! But then we realized the inevitable result of Palin’s empowerment charade.
Those tea party ladies eat this shit up. They love it! They can’t wait to return feminism to its noble roots! But what they don’t understand is that Feminism is a liberal agenda so great that it can’t just be reclaimed by a mob of angry right-wing mommies…even if this mob is led by the Mama Grizzly in Chief. It’s a well-known fact that Teh Gay can infiltrate the souls of young men after a single viewing of Project Runway, and Feminism is no different. Show up at too many lady rallies dropping the F-bomb and before you know it, you’ll be signing oaths in menstrual blood, aborting fetuses as a sacrifice to The Great Ghost of Valerie Solanas, and participating in pagan lesbian sex rites.
Palin may think she’s taking back the right, but she’s actually leading her followers directly into Feminism’s seductive vagina dentata.
- CAP’N COLLEEN