Films of the Future!
Last year we defined the best films of the decade. This intensive task took nearly 7,000 man-hours to watch every film in existence from 2001 to 2010. But what is indentured servitude for, if not abuse? This year, with the recession and so many lazy servants earning their freedom by doing nothing but watching movies, we’ve decided to get a jump on the next decade’s top film by predicting some of the films that will be coming to a megaplex near you in the next decade.
Focking Abortion, 2014, Jay Roach
In this film Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) volunteers to under go an experimental test of a new anti-smoking medication, but when it’s revealed that the side effects include male pregnancy it’s time for father-in-law Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro) to steps in to save the day. Emotions run high while Jack tries to convince Greg that his little bundle of joy is an abomination toward man and science. All of the lovable Focker characters are back along with some new friends. Zack Efron steps into the roll of Henry Focker, the pre-teen son who is really excited about having a new baby brother or sister . . . and learning how to drive. Will Grandpa and Dad stop bickering long enough to take him for his driving test?
- Fritz Godard
Bacon Universe, 2013, Kevin Bacon
It’d be rad to see Bacon Universe starring Kevin Bacon, as Kevin Bacon, who opens a restaurant in Hollywood offering free haute-cuisine bacon-infused meals and cocktails to those actors and actresses who can prove they are indeed less than 6 degrees related to Mr. Bacon himself in film and tv roles (although donations to the BACO (Bacon Association for the Cessation of Obesity) Foundation, Kevin’s international obesity treatment and coping organization, are strongly encouraged). Needless to say, the restaurant and organization make a bigger boom than Susan G. Komen, and Kevin Bacon turns politician in time for the 2020 presidential race. He faces a disappointing loss when his self-obsession forces his wife Kira Sedgwick to take the kids and run screaming back to upstate New York mid-race. But when he and the BACO foundation discover the secret to cloning humans, Kevin clones himself in 250 Bacon-y flavors to run his international franchises, and Kira and the kids wise up and come running back, for who could really resist having 250 copies of the same irresistible Bacon man all around the globe to serve as husband and father? The world, the universe, and the future are all about to taste really fucking good.
- Lady Z
When a Perfect Stranger Calls Back, 2015, James Franco
In James Franco’s directorial debut from a Judd Aptow & Wes Craven script, we get the first film that is a remake of 80’s television show crossed with a sequel to the 2006 teen horror film When a Stranger Calls. Cousins Larry (Seth Rogen) and Balki (Jude Law) are a mismatched couple sharing a small apartment who volunteer to host a group of high school seniors visiting the local city college. Everything seems to be on nice comedic trajectory, until the high school seniors start getting mysterious calls and text messages and dropping dead. Also, James Franco directed the whole film in drag and demanded that everyone on the set call him Jane Franco.
- Fritz Godard
Mixed Nuts, 2012, Neil LaBute
Steven Tobolowsky and Tom Berenger star in this action thriller set on the grounds of a mental institution directed by Neil LaBute (The Wicker Man). Prescribing meds was nothing out of the ordinary for Dr. John Billows (Tobolowsky) at Shaddy Willows mental home, until mega pharm-firm Parasol Corp. released the newest drug to cure schizophrenia (or so they thought). After only a few hours, the patients start to show normalcy in their actions and even perform complicated tasks like constructing lunar rovers and solving complicated mathematical equations for particle teleportation. Billows decides to do a little research of his own and give the meds to all of his patients for a short period. Overnight the patients who took the drug initially, and were showing promise, begin to assemble assault groups, through the help of a wily old janitor (computer animated Richard Harris), who have plans to overthrow the institution and Billows as well. Head-schizo Larry “Silk-Sucker” Fingerton (Berenger) leads the crazies, through a series of booby-trap-setting evening adventures (a la Home Alone, a film regularly shown during “movie time” at Shady WIllows) while Tobolowsky tries to gather the orderlies in order to raid the civil war weapons cache they found on the grounds some years back. It appears to be a straight forward David vs. Goliath when the experimental patients begin to see the effects of their meds and this turns into a shit-flinging Lord of the Flies/Saving Private Ryan. If you don’t piss your pants, you’ll surely at least start shouting nonsenses while rocking in your chair, at the movie screen during this tour de force. LaBute really comes into his own with this hollywood masterpiece and the hints of a sequel linger on the tongue.
- Rich LeFevre
Generic Romantic Comedy #54976, 2016, Ashton Kutcher
Romantic comedies started out ok, really they did. Annie Hall, The Princess Bride, even When Harry Met Sally, all had lead female characters with depth and intrigue. This genre however, has gone increasingly downhill, and the female characters have been dragged down with it. Whereas we used to get the zany intelligence of Cher in Moonstruck, or even Cher in Clueless, we now get a vapid-yet-career-obsessed-yet-gorgeous-yet-oh-so-unlucky-in-love Katherine Heigl accidentally having a loud obnoxious orgasm in front of her boss at a fancy dinner because she can’t figure out how to lose the vibrating panties she accidentally wore to her Very Important Work Dinner. I can only assume that as Romantic Comedies keep on this route, we can breathlessly anticipate the secret lovechild from the union of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston starring in “Woman Beats Self Over Head With Frying Pan Until Handsome Man Agrees To Marry Her And They Live Happily Ever After”. Handsome Man played by oh I don’t know, Ashton Kutcher’s little brother? Supporting cast includes Morgan Freeman as the wise yet sassy Grandpa. (He obvs wins an Oscar for this role.)
On the plus side- porn is gonna be AWESOME in the future, dontcha think? I’m sure they’ll figure out levitation, tons of new camera angles, and they’ve surely already got that 3D shit on lockdown.
- Ivyy Goldberg
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 4, 2017, Bill Condon
In the second to final film of The Twilight Saga, Bella spends the entire film in labor. This real time experimental look at what can be expected after sex and/or encounter with vampires is a tour de force for Kristen Stewart and will go down as one of the best fourth parts of a last film in the franchise in cinema history (ed. Note – Transformers: Dark of the Moon Part 4 gives this film a run for the money)
- Fritz Godard
GI Bill, 2018, Richard Gere
Dane Cook and Richard Gere muster up the laughs in a new romantic comedy from Fox Searchlight. When United States Marine Bill Calloway (Cook) returns home from the recently ceased hostilities in Iraq, the opportunities seem endless. Private security firms and military contractors are beating down his door, six-figure offers are coming from all sides and his girlfriend’s father wants him to take over his county-wide chain of Baskin Robbinseseses, but Bill’s got high hopes to do some higher learning. Leaving behind the quaint surroundings of Lake Woebegone for the bustle of New York City, Bill enrolls in Sarah Lawrence with the sole intention of seducing every J.A.P. he can get his hands on. It is here that he meets the head of the women’s studies department, Dr. John Forecastle (Gere). A whirlwind romance between two total opposites ensues and Bill learns that some lessons can’t be learned in the classroom, that love is the true battlefield and that the best way to break a gerbil’s teeth out is by pinning it to the floor with the toe of your boot and ripping at its face with a Gerber multitool.
- Dr. Lazarus Helm
O, October 2012 or 2016, Oliver Stone
Oliver Stone’s political biopic “O” will be the nonpareil biographical movie of the coming decade. The film chronicles the meteoric rise to power of America’s favorite hopeful Muslim, Barack Obama, played by Josh Brolin in blackface. At home in the role of head of state, Brolin shines as the humble, down-to-Earth abortion advocate and leader of the free world. The film follows young Barry through tiny Kenyan shanty towns and highlights his first introduction to the Qur’an. A series of home video vignettes exhibits the Obama’s harrowing and arduous journey across the waters to Hawai’i where Barack and family would take root and begin plotting their ultimate dupe.
Brolin makes relateable the hard-partying stoner and President of the Harvard Law Review as he spirals uncontrollably to the depths of marijuana and power addiction. It is here, through the haze of potfog and unprotected sex, that Barack Obama’s plans for world domination begin to morph from the nebulous visions of a young child into the diabolical endgame of a man hellbent on the eradication of Christianity and the Constitution.
With a supporting cast that includes Queen Latifah as Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey as Secretary of State/arch-nemesis Hillary Clinton and Jeremy Piven as the fast-talking Devil’s sceptre Rahm Emanuel, “O” is a must see for birthers and truthseekers around the world.
- Baron Chrysler LeBaron
Nine more Films by Woody Allen (2011- 2020)
Six of these films should’ve never been made, two will be defended to the death as masterpieces by new Woody fan’s born the same year Shadows and Fog came out, and one will be an actual good movie that will be considered brilliant because Woody Allen would be too bored if he retired. All will be nominated for a best writing academy award.
- Fritz Godard