The Worst Person Ever

Gather round our round table of truthiness, where the Donnybrook Elite debate who wins the title of Worst Person Ever. The rules were that we were to shed new light on the subject – so no need to vote Hitler or Rush Limbaugh in, that’s old news! And now behold, the first Donnybrook Symposium: the Worst Person Ever.

Sparkly-Vampire Edward

Edward Cullen may be fictional and only sort of human, but I think it’s still safe to say he qualifies as Worst Person Ever. So….he’s openly hostile to the girl who sits next to him in Biology class. Why? She smells nice and he can’t read her mind…I have a feeling this is not the first time that man has confronted such a problem. But even though he’s mean to her, he doesn’t actually hate her! He secretly loves her! And sneaks into her room at night to watch her sleep! Because that’s what you do when you’re in love!

You know what Edward Cullen does not do when he’s in love? Fuck. Absolutely not. When his almost-charmingly boring girlfriend asks why, he’s like, “Oh, I’m a super strong vampire dude and I might just lose control and hurt you or kill you or something.” Sexy. Then later, when Bella is all “But I wanna do it while I’m still human and even if it hurts it’ll hurt so good and I know you’d never cross a line or do anything without my permission, like sneak into my room and watch me sleep,” Edward totally changes his tune and says “Ok. Fine. I’ll risk your life, but only if we get married first.” Really? And then he doesn’t even have the decency to wear a condom just in case his magic vampire sperm can impregnate teenage human girls. The guy has been alive for a long fucking time. You’d think he would’ve relinquished his archaic notions of sexuality or seen a safe sex poster in the school nurse’s office. But no. He’s “old-fashioned”.

And I’ve never been a mass murderer, but I feel like there’s got to be some sort of statute of limitations on guilt. Edward should really unpack all that “I’m a bad, bad man who’s done bad, bad things and you can never understand the monster in side me” baggage. Move on. It’s time.

If he refuses to evolve as a human, you’d think he could at least evolve as a vampire. So, he’s got the mind reading thing, but he’s constantly using that in douchebag ways. Like listening in on the thoughts of all the other high school boys who want to fondle his girlfriend. Outside of that, all he’s got is strength, speed, and sparkles. Oh, and he’s AWESOME at graduating from high school. Yawn.

- Cap’n Colleen

Michael Cera

Michael Cera and the ‘Superbad‘ aesthetic both need to stop. I mean, I get it already. Every single film he’s in falls into one of two categories: bro-medy about underdogs coming out on top, or Wes Anderson tribute about underdogs finding meaning. I fucking hate underdogs. Underdog is just another word for unmotivated can of shit. Underdog the cartoon was stupid. Want to know the recipe for making your own Michael Cera film at home in your spare time? Put on a copy of ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ and listen to a Subpop mix CD. Same effect, better payoff, thanks to some sweet electric violin riffage (there’s never a wrong time for sweet electric violin riffage). Furthermore, this kid is 22. Isn’t he tired of playing characters stuck in sophomore year? Am I the only one that realizes that we’ve watched this dude try pot for the first time like eight fucking times already? The poor kid. He appears to become this era’s perpetual man-child. Michael Cera is the iGeneration’s Gary Coleman and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot for him to do about it at this point. Let’s just hope that he doesn’t let himself go too far into this persona he’s been crafted into. If he does, the only thing that could possibly save him would be doing sickeningly aggro gay porn. Seriously, think about it.

Hate that chick from Best Coast, too. Fuck that bitch. Seriously, put down the bowl and get a job.

- Dr. Lazarus Helm

Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann has the caricatured head of a swollen piñata, which is really the best thing you can say about the guy.

It is entirely apropos, too, given how his thin, worn schtick has turned the talking head into a caricature of himself–a cartoonish parody of liberal politics and the perfect foil for his sworn archnemesis, Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly. His slobbering, holier-than-thou invectives aren’t enough to make me forget Olbermann’s true calling in life: that of a sportscaster. I’m not sure how being in the SportsCenter rotation for six years qualified him to become a primetime political pundit, but… oh, wait–it didn’t.

If there is anything worse than Keith’s drooling, mind-numbing “Special Comment” episodes… or the inanely predictable, calliope-scored Worst Person segments… or the fact that, thanks to Keith, we now also have to suffer through those hourlong Rachel Maddow broadcasts (who, for a lesbian, certainly spends a lot of time sucking Olbermann’s hairy dick)… If there is anything worse than these things, it is surely the man’s own rampant hypocrisy.

Why does Olbermann purport to revile Fox News with such raging antipathy? Simply because nobody likes their old boss. Not only has Keith dated right-wing hemorroid Laura Ingraham (the tender soul who recently compared Obama’s health care reform efforts to, um, the Holocaust), but he’s also slept with the enemy professionally, spending four years around the turn of the century gainfully employed by none other than Fox Sports. At least that job was appropriate to Olbermann’s skill set, namely cracking wise about baseball bloopers.

The fifty-one year old has been quoted as saying, “I’m not a liberal–I’m an American.” Perhaps. But Keith, you’re also a flaming douchebag.

- Professor Honeydew

Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs once bit the head off of a kitten and then consumed aforementioned head after an Apple press conference. Oh, you didn’t read about it in the news? That’s because it wasn’t IN the news. The only reason I know is because I know a guy who saw it. Felix, that’s the guy’s name who saw it. I met him at the Quik Stop by my house the other night when I was walking, post-drink. I’m getting carried away.

Steve Jobs is a total asshole who wears black mock turtlenecks.

Really I should stop there. That seems sufficient.

I don’t know what gives him the right to be at all associated with any movie, let alone one who stars Larry the Cable Guy as a fucking talking truck. Good job, Steve Jobs. Git-R-done.

Wait–it’s made of plastic, glass and BRUSHED ALUMINUM?! GIMME! IPod: bad battery (non replaceable), iPhone: bad battery (non replaceable), Macbook: headphone jack problems, IPad: bad resolution. There are so many problems with these products I could write them all day long, not to mention how overpriced they are (if you just read that and said, “Yeah, but the increase in price is worth the benefit of not getting viruses and my computer just ‘working’,” you are drinking the Kool Aid).

Apple products are like an old movie set. On face value, they appear to be perfect, but if you knock over the wild west façade on that building, it’s just a brick shack whose architecture is no better than your suburban DMV.

The man who okays every shitty product is Steve Jobs. You know the saying “Never trust a skinny chef”? How about this, all you designer-y trendy dumbasses:  never trust a guy who okays design decisions who can’t dress himself. This guy dresses like a fucking French-Canadian middle schooler. I bet he eats fries with gravy and butthole.

Buying an Apple product is like being raped by a guy in New Balance 991s. Wait a minute–it IS getting raped by a guy in 991s (see what i did there?)

Dickweed.

Wear a belt.

- Rich LeFevre

Jack Johnson

Every single stupid person in this world claims to like music, but Jack Johnson’s popularity is proof that most people really don’t like music at all. His songs are so neutered, I feel uncomfortable listening to them. It’s like listening to khaki, or the suburbs, or powder-blue wallpaper. It’s like one of those horrible nightmares where you’re being strangled by a single piece of yarn, or being poked by a feather, repeatedly. That smugly benevolent voice – it doesn’t make me feel like everything’s going to be okay, Jack Johnson. It doesn’t put me to sleep. It is purgatorial. Like if someone kept repeating the word “com-fort-a-ble” over and over and over again. Give me torture. Give me joy. Give me something, goddamnit! Hearing Jack Johnson for any extended period makes me want to run into the nearest Bed Bath & Beyond and start shanking people at random. This is music for the Oprah’s Book Club set. If Jack Johnson were a film narrator, he would be Morgan Freeman in March of the Penguins. And what’s with that name? It’s so boring, I keep forgetting who I’m talking about. Don’t even get me started on his boring face. Put on some shoes, Jack Johnson! I know you and your guitar basically LIVE on the beach, eating papayas, but the rest of us have to walk through glass-filled goddamn alleys every day just to get to the Quickie Mart for our processed cheese foods, have some respect!

People who were born and bred in Hawaii should be banned from making music, other than the kind piped through resorts. There is simply not enough pain there – for a white person.

- Angora Holly Polo

The Duggars

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the stars of many reality television shows and documentaries such as “14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19 Kids and Counting” and “Gosh Gosh, My My Vagina Vagina Is Is a a Tired Tired Gift Gift from from God God” (is there an echo in here?) are the worst people ever. Choosing to forgo science and social responsibility the Duggars are letting the big fella upstairs decide how many kids they have, like He’s presiding over a large collection of Tamagotchi pets with a “knock-her-up” button instead of a “feed” button. That’s not God giving you all of these kids…that’s the science of unprotected sex!!!

See, what set them upon this birthing spree was a miscarriage while Michelle was on the pill. After their “Christian medical doctor” had them read the fine print on the pill packaging and “realizing” their choice to be on the pill had directly lead to the death of this unborn child, they just had to swear off all forms of contraception and asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing. Yes, with the pill you may get pregnant and you may miscarry as a result of your becoming pregnant while on the pill. But what about a good old fashioned Trojan? Maybe MacGyver something out of Saran Wrap and a rubber band if you can’t afford the real deal? The rhythm method? Withdrawal? None of these methods involve chemicals of any kind and yet can still prevent pregnancy (obviously some better than others). But, nooooo…these were not viable options so the only solution became to let Michelle’s vagina become a servant of God, trumpeting out his message every 9 months or so for over 14 years.

And, what…you think you’re being cute by naming all of your children names beginning with the letter “J?” I’m sure Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johanna, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie are feeling pretty jovial about it. It cuts down on engraving and monogramming costs at least! And Michelle wants to have more kids, even after the last child was born 3 months early and spent the first nine months in the hospital. I’ve got a name picked out for you already: “Jesus, will this shit ever end?”

You’ve turned your family into a circus act sideshow and are using your ability to have children for profits. What you call God opening doors so you can share with the world that children are a blessing from the Lord I call using your children and social irresponsibility to make a buck. Maybe in your new book “The Duggars: 20 and Counting” (available for only $10.44 if I buy 40 or more copies!) you’ll change my mind and make me believe the Lord is speaking to me through Michelle’s vagina. But I doubt it. Hurry, hurry, hurry ladies and gentlemen and children…it’s gonna be tough to get a seat under this bigtop once the Duggars show up!

- Baron Chrysler LeBaron

Glenn Beck

Well, let’s see. To be honest, things are going pretty well right now for us Over-Sexed Godless Heathen Elite Liberal Communists: Levi and Bristol got back together and broke up again in the space of a Hollywood nanosecond, which is surely making She-Wolf Palin’s head explode, so there’s that. And then, some judge in California was all “Dude, if gays wanna get married, that’s on them and ain’t nobody’s business but the people doing the marrying”. So that’s good. Even VH1′s on our side these days, with Dad Camp magically teaching 12 young soon-to-be fathers how to live and love in the space of 12 weeks. AWWWWWWW.

So in light of our recent triumphs, it seems almost cruel to talk about Glenn Beck as the scourge of the universe, especially since even the universe is on our side.

Still though, doesn’t that guy just suck so bad? Not only is he an idiot with ridiculously idiot ideas, but he’s also a jerk: on his own website he shills for gold coin company Goldline with obnoxious flashy ads which we’ve recently learned are at best unethical, and at worst completely illegal. So he’s openly taking advantage of the few people who look up to him as a rational human being and actually listen to what he has to say. Fleecing your followers is not only low, but it’s horrendously stupid, Glenn. Seriously.

- Ivyy Goldberg

Lorne Michaels

Lorne Michaels wasn’t always the worst person ever. Once he was just another funny Canadian who brought the Not Ready for Primetime Players to the small screen. But today Michaels is content to squander the time slot that NBC has somehow granted to him in perpetuity. About 15 years ago SNL was unwatchable, and each year since it has gotten worse. Oh sure, Michaels had the good sense to give us Tina Fey. But one good apple in the bunch doesn’t make up for a rotten barrel, Mr. Michaels! Besides Tina would have risen to the top of whatever organization she landed in — giver her enough time and she’ll take over NBC, bring it out of last place and somehow Alec Baldwin will get all of the credit.

Michael’s worst fault is that he accepts mediocrity from his staff week after week after week. That’s not the kind of damage that you can undo with one Betty White appearance. He should be using SNL as a way to give air time to really innovative comedians instead of allowing cast members to turn lame skits into unwatchable feature films like The Ladies Man, Night at the Roxbury, or Superstar. And MacGruber?! How can a 30 second recurring skit possibly be turned into a movie? By producing these embarrassingly low grade movies that insult audiences Michaels sets the bar way too low. But I shouldn’t be too surprised. That is how he has spent most of his career.

- Ms. Tansy Maude Peregrine

Barack Obama

Without question Barack Obama is the worst person ever. While some would agree with me heartily, I suspect that they would also agree with the fascist sentiments creeping out of Arizona – those people are the second worse people, so you won’t find any sympathy from me here on that subject. I’ll just say it to be clear: Fuck you Arizona, Fuck you Jan Brewer. You’d infect the country with fascism before you had a rational thought on how to solve the border issues.

No, Obama reeks of a different kind of odiousness. He is more contemptible because he lied – he promised us national health-care and instead he conceded to conservative pressure. At best we have mandatory insurance – something that republicans and democrats will just see as another tax.

Obama again deserves the highest contempt for his handling of the border issue. I do believe that Barack Obama is a clear minded individual and because of that, he is the worst person ever because chooses not to see that the immigration issue is not a state issue or even a border issue, but a foreign policy issue. Because of NAFTA, the small farmer economy in Mexico is not profitable. They get American corn cheaper than they can grow it themselves. Restructure NAFTA, and Mexicans will be glad to stay home.

Finally, Barack Obama is the worst person ever because he promised to end the stupid wars and still we are at war in Afghanistan where our biggest ally, President Karzai, is as corrupt as they get– he was once quoted as saying he’d just as soon join the Taliban if this American thing doesn’t work out. Obama, you lied to us again.

I campaigned for this person, I believed he could do the things he said he would do, but instead he faltered for whatever reason. Unless he can grow a pair of balls, Barack Obama is and will remain the worst person ever.

Keep drinking and tipping,

- The Bartender

Well, dear Reader – who do you think is the worst person ever?

• Edward Cullen
• Michael Cera
• Keith Olbermann
• Steve Jobs
• Jack Johnson
• The Duggars
• Glenn Beck
• Lorne Michaels
• Barack Obama

View Results

 Loading ...

Related articles:

• Review: ‘Scott Pilgrim’ Offers a High-Energy Mix (abcnews.go.com)
• Scott Pilgrim Gets a Life (thedailybeast.com)
• Hey 3OH!3, You’re Not Funny (godonnybrook.com)
• Keith Olbermann: Bill O’Reilly Was Abused by His Dad (VIDEO) (tvsquad.com)
• Is ‘Scott Pilgrim’ Michael Cera’s Best Role Ever? (cinematical.com)
• Keith Olbermann/Tucker Carlson Feud Heats Up: Carlson Calls Olbermann “Sad,” “Despised” (huffingtonpost.com)
• Keith Olbermann And Howard Dean Hash Out Differences On NYC Mosque (mediaite.com)
• Michael Cera’s Age Will Catch Up to Him (crushable.com)
• FASHION NIGHTMARE: Michael Cera wears a zany alt outfit, tries to save Scott Pilgrim from tanking (altreport.hipsterrunoff.com)