Drunken New Years Coconut Clinic

Written by  //  January 12, 2012  //  Advice, Coconut Clinic, The Dormitory  //  1 Comment

I can see for New Year’s, no one made a resolution to leave me the hell alone. As a group, I really do appreciate your drunken emails. The volume I got over New Year’s weekend was all together flattering, sad, hilarious and barely decipherable. By all means, keep the drunken emails coming in; I read those first. Just, be sure to use vowels, unlike Wheel of Fortune, they don’t cost you anything here at the Clinic. Onto this weeks emails…

Every time my gf sleeps over, she has to wrap her arms and legs around me. I’m all about intimacy and cuddling, but I find this excessive. It’s nothing against her, I just can’t sleep with someone wrapped around me. Any help?

Sounds like you got yourself a class 3 Cuddler. And be happy she’s not a stage 4. That’s where you wake up with her hair in your mouth. This is actually a pretty common problem. You have a few options. You could actually, you know, talk to her about it like a responsible adult instead of some anonymous coward on the internet. Calmly explain to her you don’t mind the cuddling for a few minutes (but never admit this to your bros), but it makes it impossible for you to sleep. You can also start hitting the sack in a Forever Lazy. Have you seen these things? I can’t imagine any girl has enough self-respect to cuddle a man that looks like a Teletubby.

Over the break, I accidentally slept with my old boyfriend. It was a one time thing, and I really hate that it happened. Do I tell my boyfriend? If, so, how?

Um, how does one “accidentally” sleep with someone? In the past, I have “accidentally” left the milk out, or “accidentally” forgotten to reprimand a servant for looking me in the eyes, but I have never “accidentally” slept with someone. So, let me guess, you two were “accidentally” at the same party, and “accidentally” got drunk. Then you two crazy kids “accidentally” stumbled down a darkened hallway, and “accidentally” fell through an open door onto a bed, when he “accidentally” put his penis into your vagina. By “accident.” Over and over. You see what I’m saying here, sweetie.

You already have it as an “accident” in your head, so as to not accept blame for knocking uglies with an old boyfriend. Fact is, you were there, and it happened. Woman up, and accept the consequences. Now onto the touchy subject of whether or not to tell your current future ex boyfriend.

Did you use protection? It never ceases to amaze me how many advice columnists won’t even bring this up. If I had to guess, he probably “accidentally” forgot to wear a jimmycap. Then, you are clearly on the hook. You have to tell him you cheated on him.

So the other day I was pissed off at my bf for yet again refusing to clean up after himself. I threw my bowl of pasta at him. He freaks out at me, runs to my closet, and throws all of my clothes on the floor. We fight like this at least once a week, over shit like this. I don’t even want to guess how much the stuff we’ve ruined in the last 6 months costs. I know this isn’t healthy behavior. But he is still amazing to me, and the sex is awesome. Am I wrong to stay with him?

You are fucking idiots. Now let me get all scholarly on you, and explain just what that sentence means.

You (as in the plural you, I.e you and him) are fucking (adjective) idiots (noun).

You (as in the singular you, can also be singularly applied to him) are fucking (verb) idiots (noun).

I’ve been in a relationship for the last few months. While I have developed some feelings for her, she clearly has deeper feelings for me. She’s a great girl and all, but I can’t help but get the feeling I’m just biding my time here until someone better comes along. I recently signed up to an online dating site. I filled out my preferences, and it matched me with someone. Her hot best friend, who I think is a much better match for me. What do I do?

Friend-and by that I mean random internet stranger-I sense you and I are a lot alike. Not willing to settle, and always having that debate with the angel on one shoulder, and the devil on the other. With that in mind, I will defer the answer to this question to my angel and devil, who are both eating pot brownies.

Angel: Thou shall remain chaste to thy current girl, for fear of being….HEY IS THAT A PURPLE FLYING BANANA?

Devil: If you’ve already signed up for an online dating service, you’ve already made your decision.

Angel: Possibly, but surely, one has better options than thy hottie friend.

Devil: I would have to agree. The bigger message is that you’ve already made moves to leave. Cut ties all together-in the nicest way possible, because I know karma, and it can be a raging bitch sometimes. Leave the friend alone, there are others out there. I’m trying to corrupt as many as I can.

And for future questions like this, sending me pics of the guy or girl in question would greatly help me arrive at the right decision for you. Because aside from always being right, I am a superficial son of a bitch.

Have a question for Cocounut? Email him at CoconutRomanCoke@gmail.com or use this form:

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About the Author

"Coconut" Roman Coke

"Coconut" Roman Coke is on a slow path to world domination which has led him to many callings: professional lacrosse player, helicopter pilot, foot model, and double agent.

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One Comment on "Drunken New Years Coconut Clinic"

  1. Belle von Bonaventure de Bacon January 12, 2012 at 2:09 pm · Reply

    “You are fucking idiots. Now let me get all scholarly on you, and explain just what that sentence means.

    You (as in the plural you, I.e you and him) are fucking (adjective) idiots (noun).

    You (as in the singular you, can also be singularly applied to him) are fucking (verb) idiots (noun).”

    I peed. Just after I spit my sandwich all over the computer screen. This is the best advice I’ve pretty much ever seen ever.

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