Embrace the Gamer, the Future of Mankind

Have you ever had one of those moments where, for absolutely no reason, your mind solves several puzzles it’s been working on all at the same time?  Where the pieces of these seemingly unrelated equations not only reveal how they resolve, but how they themselves are all part of a larger puzzle, giving you new direction toward a path you didn’t even know you were looking for? I had one of these moments during a rare public appearance I was making just last week.

I am passionately devoted to my fans, but two years ago I had to cut back on personal relationships with many of them after a decidedly wierd incident at a fan rally involving myself, my dog Pooter, and an avid reader who showed up in a banana hammock carrying a copy of my latest article and a melon baller. Pooter has had to sleep on a donut pillow ever since and no longer accepts dog-biscuits from strangers. I decided to attend last weeks function, however, and as usual I was the better for it.

The day was almost over and I was in the autograph booth signing a rather spectacular set of C-cups when, suddenly, it hit me. Mid-word, just above the majestically subtle indentation where nature stopped and silicon began, I just quit writing. I was suddenly aware of exactly where my passion for and devotion to video gaming had come from. Before, it had always been a feeling of belonging rather than an understanding of direction. I knew I was in the right place, but not exactly what had brought me there to begin with. But now, pen in hand and poised over a pair of 22 year old show-stoppers, I saw how these seemingly akward, emotionally repressed, socially abused, and intellectually misunderstood outcasts we call “gamers” were the solution to the failures of mankind. “Missing links,” if you will, between the position of world dominance occupied by “old-money” and the life long servitude of the modern day wage-slaves.

Throughout history, great nations have always been built on the backs of forced labor. The ancient Hebrews built the Egyptian pyramids amid gross union labor violations. The Panama Canal project was paid for by the sales of dead workers for medical research. The Great Wall of China is basically a mass grave for citizens who got to choose between starvation or making the ultimate sacrifice for their country, and the list goes on and on.

Even the United States is far from exempt from the benefits of free labor, as seen in our Constitution which values a “negro” at two-thirds of a man. But all this is just history, of course. Modern America no longer rewards the industrious wealthy with a steady supply of un-witting workers who are given the choice between basic survival for maximum labor or living on the streets… or does it???

My cousin works for a company in Pittsburgh that grades standardized testing for grades 1-10. The truly interesting thing about his job is the way answers are scored. A seventh grader in public school can get the right answer, but show their work on the wrong part of the paper and get LESS points than if they put the wrong answer on the right part of the paper. Think about that… they are given higher marks for doing what they are told than they are for understanding the lesson. An entire generation of middle or lower class American children are, literally, being taught that obediance is more valuable than enlightenment. They are being ever-so subtly conditioned to value serving whoever is telling them what to do MORE than understanding what job they are doing. Now compare that to the priviledged Harvard undergrad who is taught that it’s better to invent a job than to find one. The less than upper-class American child is only considered to be as valuable as he/she can find manual labor to pay the interest on their life long debt to whichever Harvard grad invented the job six steps above them.

But there is a way, my fellow underlings. How does a middle class society that cannot survive without the scraps handed to them by the priviledged  break free of the chains wrapped around their very minds from infancy? How do we teach a child to look his master in the eye and flip the bird with his left hand while coloring outside the lines with his right? How do we who have lost the genetic lottery beat the box we’ve been bred to think inside of, to run naked and screaming over the hill, demanding these teachers to LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE!!! The same way we always have, my friends… bootlegging.

The new frontier of the digital world has given rise to a new breed of hero who stands apart from the Galactic Empire of debt and indentured servitude. Modern gamers are living lives outside the social norm. Loading their cars with jugs of wonder and excitement marked XXX! And each day the world drinks more and more freely from the moonshine elixer of corn mash, self awareness and hope! Games are teaching our children to explore their worlds, to consider the impact of selfish decisions vs. selfless actions, even to look for solutions that don’t easily present themselves while fighting for freedom, love, truth, tolerance, and justice. Simultaneously, these students of a free thinking, tyrant bashing society are avoiding the slave nets of Citibank and Oak Motors who never cease in their efforts to chain us to a transport vessel where we can row ourselves to a distant plantation for $8.00 an hour, which will be directly deposited onto our Wal-Mart money cards after the three week holding period, minus, of course, a $2.00 network fee, a $3.00 service charge and processing fees of fifty cents per transaction, along with a $10.00 charge for holding and protecting the funds during said waiting period.

These black market mentors have ninjafied their way into our lives through games, and these games have allowed great, free thinking minds to change our world in ways that the old powers could never have foreseen. Just like the old molasses runners of the prohibition era, todays brilliant social deviants have arrived, appearing on the stage of global influence like the Great Gatsby hosting a weekend soiree. Wealthy beyond imagining, seemingly appearing from nowhere, but free of social obligation or family imperative to control the world and prove their dicks are just as big as their fathers. There is a new generation of dick provers out there and they don’t need home owners insurance or lines of credit!

The world of gaming is not just an escape from the bull-shit lined “road to success,” it’s a friggin super-highway built to bypass the modern day pharoahs, still building their pyramids with the pilfered scraps of our labor. So put that job application down and pick up that controller! Traffic is light and there’s no speed limit in the car pool lane to destiny! Slay some more dragons, bang some more alien princesses, build your Holy Empires!!! The time for the gamers revolution is now. We are the future! We are the implementation of imagination!!! WE ARE THE FORECOMING OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

The closed minded sychophants of yester-years culture will tell you you’re wasting your time. Great talking heads trying desperately to keep the slaves in line. But I say pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The earth is new again and the great land race is on! STAKE YOUR CLAIMS, YE ENLIGHTENED OF THE FUTURE! Ride your minds to a land outside the Matrix as we all turn in unison and tell the powers that be to kiss our happy asses! I’ve got no time to sell car insurance today… I’ve still got two more lives!

Until next time…