Everyone In This Year’s UMS

My lovelies, I have been writing the esteemed and poetic column known as Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars for a while now. Every week (or so) I sit down and think deeply and passionately about the sexual qualities of this or that rockstar for a small amount of time. Then I write those qualities into a blog post, find some pictures, publish, and move on.

But I always think, just as I’m moving on…. “Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to re-visit these hallowed halls of Fuckability? What if one could get all of the previous Most Fuckable Rockstars together under one roof? Would the Universe implode upon itself?”

WE ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT, MY DEARS. The Underground Music Showcase is upon us, featuring, like, almost every single Most Fuckable Rockstar I’ve ever written about. AND FURTHERMORE, there are like 10,000 more Just As Fuckable rockstars who I have not yet seen or heard! Research!!!

Here, re-published, are a few of my faves (who also happen to be the “headliners” of the UMS. Convenient!), as well as where you can find them at this year’s UMS. And be sure to check out ALL the fuckable lovelies this weekend on South Broadway. See you there! www.theums.com

Mackenzie from The Flobots (published March, 2008, BEFORE they were all famous and shit)

Hello Lovers,
It’s not often that I admit a girl crush in my columns. I mean, after all, I’m Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. Decorum is my middle name. But today, in my myspace meanderings, I came upon the cutest little rockstar the Denver music scene has seen in quite a while.

This week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar is….

Mackenzie from Flobots!!!


Actually, they’re all kinda fuckable, no?

Mackenzie plays the viola (NOT the violin, don’t you ever accuse her of playing the violin) for current Denver sensation band Flobots. They have that little song on the radio called “Handlebars”, you know? That one song? And that song wouldn’t even BE that song if it weren’t for Mackenzie and her viola (NOT a violin, dammit!)

Name: Mackenzie
Band: Flobots, viola-ist.
Status: In a Relationship
Why she’s this week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar: Well, she’s pretty. And she’s in a rock band with all boys, so she’s probably cool. And this rock band has that song that’s like, well, you don’t want to like it (I mean, it’s on the radio!! Donnybrookites are way too refined to listen to the radio!), but you do. That song is like tooth pain; kind of annoying, but you can’t stop tonguing it because it just feels so, well, so good.
Oh, and her myspace page is all flowers and such, but not in that annoying girly flowery way, you know? And she reads good books like “What is the What” so she’s probably smart and funny and kind and interesting and, and…. Wow. Look at me, all smitten. Damn.
Probable Lovemaking Style: Mainstream.
Possible Drawbacks: Well, she’s perfect in my head right now, so let’s just assume she has chronic halitosis, or maybe a club foot, or something like, okee?
Where to find her: Flobots plays 9pm on Saturday at the CarToys Stage in the Goodwill parking lot.

Aaron from Machine Gun Blues (published March of 2008, before they broke up)

It’s the Naked Edition of Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars!! Wahoooooo!!!!!
This week’s pick is:

Aaron from The Machine Gun Blues!!
Aaron is the lead singer for Denver RAWK band The Machine Gun Blues. They put on a great show which often includes Aaron and possibly other members of the band taking off their clothes and (literally) hanging from the rafters while performing. The good news about this is that it makes Aaron even more Fuckable; he’s already nekkid, see, so half the work is already done.

Aaron - Denver's Most Fuckable Rockstar this week | The Donnybrook Writing AcademyName: Aaron

Band: The Machine Gun Blues, lead singer.

Status: If you’re thinking about that you don’t understand the rockstar mentality.

Why he’s this week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar: From their myspace page- “Beer soaked, ground licking, shameless rock. We don’t do cool, we work our asses off to bleed on stage.” One can only hope Aaron has the same attitude towards sex.

Probable Lovemaking Style: Expect exhibitionist tendencies.

Possible Drawbacks: He looks a little crazy. This one might need a “For Experts Only” disclaimer. (OH, and For The Record: The Donnybrook Writing Academy takes no responsibility for any mental or physical harm obtained from engaging in any sexual act with any of the Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars featured here.)

Where to find him: Machine Gun Blues will play a reunion show at 11:30 pm Saturday on the Evergroove Stage at 3 Kings Tavern.

Photos of Aaron courtesy of Doug Beam (no relation to Jim).

The Girls of Paper Bird (published July of 2008)

Ok this one has me kind of nervous. The Most Fuckable Rockstars for this week seem so proper, so brimming with etiquette, so (dare-I-say-it) Donnybrookian, that I’m not sure they’ll see the beauty in being named Most Fuckable by their own kind. Ah, well. Let’s do it anyway, shall we?

This week’s Most Fuckable Rockstars are:

The girls of Paper Bird!!!!!


Name(s): Esme, Sarah, and Genny

Band: Paper Bird, vocals and trumpet (Sarah)

Status: None of your damn business. They’re ladies, they don’t share their status or age willingly.

Why they’re this week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar(s): After my comment about damn dirty hippies in the last Denver’s Most Fuckable column, the Donnybrook Board of Trustees felt I should throw a bone (wink) to the fine folksy people here in the great state of Colorado. But since we at Donnybrook fucking hate jam bands with the fire of a thousand suns, we had to find a folksy hippie band that was also, you know, good. And, of course, fuckable. So we found Paper Bird. And we listened to their music and it’s really really pretty, but not in an “I’m gonna vomit” kind of way, you know what I’m talking about? And the 3 girls wear pretty hippie dresses and bandannas (NOT kerchiefs, there is a difference), and they all take pictures using a soft filter so that when you look at their myspace you’re filled with a sense of well-being and you know you just KNOW that everything’s gonna be ok.

Probable Lovemaking Style: According to their website, Paper Bird is a collective, a band, and they ALL LIVE TOGETHER in a house. It probably has a compost heap in the backyard. Anyhoo, be expecting a group vibe (wink).


Where to find them: Paper Bird plays at 11:55 PM Thursday on the Verizon Wireless Stage at The Hi-Dive, and 7:30PM Friday on the CarToys Stage at the Goodwill Parking Lot.

Kit from Snake Rattle Rattle Snake (published January 2010)

So. Sometimes there are people in this world who just seem to operate on a different clock. They see life as if there were 30 hours in a day (ex: Heather Powell Browne from I Am Fuel, You Are Friends). They are somehow able to be everywhere and do everything, and never seem to need time to slow down. They are available to play in, say, 5 or 6 local bands at the same time, without having any conflicts whatsoever. And this week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar clearly operates in a world like that.

This week’s Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstar is…


Kit from Snake Rattle Rattle Snake!!!!!

Name: Kit

Band: drummer, Snake Rattle Rattle Snake, among others.

Exactly HOW many bands is he in?: OH wow so many bands. Snake Rattle Rattle Snake, Moonspeed, Mr Pacman, The Joshua Novac Band, etc. Seriously, how much must you love to play the drums to be in like 5000 bands?

Why He’s This Week’s Most Fuckable Rockstar: Snake Rattle Rattle Snake’s songs are “seductively venomous”, according to Tom Murphy, who’s a much better writer than I. And listening to the songs on their myspace page one can hear the seductive venom of the percussion. And Kit makes that seductively venomous percussion sound. Ipso facto, Kit is fuckable.

Probable Lovemaking Style: Judging from the sheer amount of different musical groups he’s in, Kit is obviously a multi-tasker. The TV will be on, music will be playing, he’ll probably tweet about it mid-coitus, and multiple body parts will be involved at all times. Just try to keep up, mmkay, cupcake?

Where You Can Find Him: SRRS plays 7:30PM Saturday on the CarToys Stage at the Goodwill Parking Lot, and 10PM Sunday on the Evergroove Stage at 3 Kings Tavern.

There you have it, festival-goers. Best of luck!

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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7 Comments on "Everyone In This Year’s UMS"

  1. Ethereal JB July 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm · Reply

    One of those Flobots has frosted tips! That’s SO 2008!

  2. M. Jayne August 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm · Reply

    Great choices this week. The Paper Bird girls and Mackenzie from Flobots have always been among the hottest women in the Denver music scene.

  3. Red August 11, 2010 at 11:57 am · Reply

    Thinking of fucking the Paper Birds (of whom I saw at the UMS)- is just a little too molester for my brain to comprehend….

  4. Team Donnybrook
    godonnybrook August 11, 2010 at 12:07 pm · Reply

    Really? I’m pretty sure they’re all adults. Now Candy Claws – THOSE are some young uns!

  5. mike m August 11, 2010 at 6:37 pm · Reply

    it’s a damn shame, the candy claws tambourine/dancing girl is adorable.

  6. Father Guido Sarducci IV
    Father Guido Sarducci IV August 12, 2010 at 9:56 am · Reply

    She is ain’t she! But what about the cutie who hides in the corner? She was adorable.

  7. Red August 12, 2010 at 10:59 am · Reply

    Saw the Candy Claws too… they are just pups, but I think the two mini keyboardests would have done it right there, if they didn’t have those big X’s on their hands. Ok- If you have to choose between the wholesome birds or claws… By all means, do the paper chics- all at once- bring a camera and prove me wrong!

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