Five Places I Would Hang Out If I Were A Paedophile (But I’m Totally Not).
Pedophiles are the scum of the earth and I, gentle reader, am certainly not of their ilk. Preying on the impressionable and defenseless is a shameful, criminal pastime, one to which I am wholly averse. The entire phenomenon strikes me as repugnant to the highest degree–the perverted practitioners of pre-pubescent pandering should be locked away, the keys forever disposed.
Furthermore, a cursory glance at my personage should rule out any possibility of my status as one of these accursed transgressors: for one, I am prone to wearing suit ties, to speak nothing of the fact that I am bespectacled.
That in mind, here are Five Places I Would Hang Out If I Were A Paedophile (But I’m Totally Not):
What better way to quench your passion for toddling tykes than to cool off in the refreshing waves at your local water park? Behold the pips as they preen about in their bathing attire! Join unsuspecting young ones on a ride built for six down the lazy river. Things cannot get much wetter than this!
Those nubile arms and legs work up quite the sweat charging around the old baseball diamond! Could there be a more perfect blend of our nation’s most cherished entertainments: our national sport and athletic displays of tender flesh? Here is a tip: bringing a box full of trophies will endear the little ones to you in a hurry!
Is there anything that gets ankle biters in a tizzy more readily than the prospect of new bouts of conspicuous consumption? Bring your favorite aspiring lover to the local toy shoppe and watch as their eyes turn big as saucers. Allotting a discretionary budget for a child’s “shopping spree” is one surefire way to get those libidinal juices a flowing.
#4: That Pool Where They Shot the Cover for Nevermind.
Although I have yet to actually discover this mysterious Xanadu where lucky residents actually fish for newborns with one dollar bills, my fantasies about serendipitously crossing its path have yet to be extinguished. If you find I have gone missing, chances are I am here.
The philanthropists at the GAP (Gentlemen and Paedophiles) organization have thought of everything. Their offshoot retail establishment, Baby Gap, allows the discriminating paedophile the opportunity to purchase babies at convenient suburban locations throughout the country. No more lying in wait for your next victim–thanks to Baby Gap you can snatch one up before they’ve learned right from wrong!