Five Places I Would Hang Out If I Were A Paedophile (But I’m Totally Not).

Written by  //  November 9, 2007  //  Society  //  10 Comments

Pedophiles are the scum of the earth and I, gentle reader, am certainly not of their ilk. Preying on the impressionable and defenseless is a shameful, criminal pastime, one to which I am wholly averse. The entire phenomenon strikes me as repugnant to the highest degree–the perverted practitioners of pre-pubescent pandering should be locked away, the keys forever disposed.

Furthermore, a cursory glance at my personage should rule out any possibility of my status as one of these accursed transgressors: for one, I am prone to wearing suit ties, to speak nothing of the fact that I am bespectacled.

That in mind, here are Five Places I Would Hang Out If I Were A Paedophile (But I’m Totally Not):

#1: Water Parks.

What better way to quench your passion for toddling tykes than to cool off in the refreshing waves at your local water park? Behold the pips as they preen about in their bathing attire! Join unsuspecting young ones on a ride built for six down the lazy river. Things cannot get much wetter than this!

#2: Little League Baseball Games.

Those nubile arms and legs work up quite the sweat charging around the old baseball diamond! Could there be a more perfect blend of our nation’s most cherished entertainments: our national sport and athletic displays of tender flesh? Here is a tip: bringing a box full of trophies will endear the little ones to you in a hurry!

#3: Toy Stores.

Is there anything that gets ankle biters in a tizzy more readily than the prospect of new bouts of conspicuous consumption? Bring your favorite aspiring lover to the local toy shoppe and watch as their eyes turn big as saucers. Allotting a discretionary budget for a child’s “shopping spree” is one surefire way to get those libidinal juices a flowing.

#4: That Pool Where They Shot the Cover for Nevermind.

Although I have yet to actually discover this mysterious Xanadu where lucky residents actually fish for newborns with one dollar bills, my fantasies about serendipitously crossing its path have yet to be extinguished. If you find I have gone missing, chances are I am here.

#5: Baby Gap.

The philanthropists at the GAP (Gentlemen and Paedophiles) organization have thought of everything. Their offshoot retail establishment, Baby Gap, allows the discriminating paedophile the opportunity to purchase babies at convenient suburban locations throughout the country. No more lying in wait for your next victim–thanks to Baby Gap you can snatch one up before they’ve learned right from wrong!

About the Author

Professor Honeydew is an esteemed Ph.D. (Dr. of Listology), espouser of unpopular culture, cognac enthusiast, and the founder/curator of the acclaimed One Track Mind.

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10 Comments on "Five Places I Would Hang Out If I Were A Paedophile (But I’m Totally Not)."

  1. Toastface Killa November 9, 2007 at 10:05 am · Reply

    I’ve been to the fishing for babies pool. It’s not a pretty place.

  2. Col. Hector Bravado November 9, 2007 at 10:21 am · Reply

    Is it a catch-and-release arrangement or do you have to take them home? Gutting and cleaning them can be a nuisance.

  3. Irving J. Silvertoad November 9, 2007 at 12:00 pm · Reply

    I don’t know what a “water park” is but seeing these nubile sirens with their bosoms so nearly exposed is something I can only label as horrible and a clear indicator that the world is ill. It is also deeply arousing.

  4. Was It You? November 9, 2007 at 12:33 pm · Reply

    my gutter mind tells me this is the funniest shit i’ve seen yet.

  5. "Benny" St. Maur November 9, 2007 at 1:48 pm · Reply

    This is my favorite Donnybrook post ever.

  6. Anonymous November 9, 2007 at 2:50 pm · Reply

    THIS IS SO WRONG, and great kind of.

  7. Anonymous November 9, 2007 at 3:04 pm · Reply

    PS – that child in the first photo has gigantic breasts!

  8. Lady Zsuzanna November 9, 2007 at 11:09 pm · Reply

    yes she does… its common for young women to enhance their breastesseses, c’mon, you’ve watched Nip/Tuck, haven’t we all???

  9. Shelly November 10, 2007 at 8:45 am · Reply

    I don’t know of this Nip Tucker you speak of Lady Z, but if he has breasts I don’t care how old he is.

  10. pedophile November 10, 2007 at 2:10 pm · Reply

    This is so great. Now I know where to go. Anyone have directions to that Nirvana pool?

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