Chicks Are Stupid
Written by Cap'n Colleen // March 6, 2008 // Fucked-Update, Politics // 13 Comments
The Never-Ending Primary Season Rages On….
As you probably know by now, Tuesday was an exciting day for the Clinton campaign. Once again, she managed to come from behind and win primaries in Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island, leaving Senator Obama with only the state of Vermont to claim. John McCain surprised no one at all by winning all four primaries and Mike Huckabee has finally decided to drop out of the race. When Huckabee made his announcement I felt a surge of unexpected sadness. Everyone has known since Super Tuesday that McCain would get the nomination, but with Huckabee still hanging around the Republican primary season was, well…entertaining. But with no Huckster, we’re just left with Gramps McCain, who seems to be more creepy than funny. Sad.
Now that the primary coverage is out of the way, let’s move along to other things….
Don’t Project Your Own Inadequacies on Your Entire Gender, K, Char?
Last Sunday, the Washington Post made a stellar lapse in judgment by running an editorial called “We Scream, We Swoon, How Dumb Can We Get?” by a woman named Charlotte Allen who has been infuriating members of the non-rich-white-male population for years. I mean, this is a woman who once claimed Katrina was the best thing to happen to New Orleans because all those lazy welfare-dependent schlubs had to leave town and learn to support themselves. I used to read her work back in the days when I loved being whipped into a frenzy by the anti-feminist rhetoric spewed by writers at the Independent Women’s Forum, but I generally don’t subject myself to that sort of nonsense anymore. Until, of course, the Post decided to print Allen’s recent article about how women are stupid. Her basis for thinking women are stupid? Women are bad drivers. Women have smaller brains. Women read stupid books. Women watch Grey’s Anatomy. Women buy Celine Dion CDs. And last, but not least, women are dumb because Charlotte Allen is bad at math and owns a lot of shoes. And what exactly is her solution to this rampant female stupidity? “…relax, enjoy the innate abilities most of us possess (as well as the ones fewer of us possess) and revel in the things most important to life at which nearly all of us excel: tenderness toward children and men and the weak and the ability to make a house a home…Then we could shriek and swoon and gossip and read chick lit to our hearts’ content and not mind the fact that way down deep, we are . . . kind of dim.”
Now, I’m not the only one who was a little miffed by this article. In fact, enough people complained about it that the WaPo editor responsible for printing the article had to release a statement saying it was all just a joke. Charlotte Allen didn’t mean that women are actually stupid.
I have a tip for you, WaPo, if you’re going to go to all the trouble to tell people that an article was tongue-in-cheek, don’t give the writer an open forum to answer questions about the article in which she insists that she was totally serious. I don’t think the online Q & A proved that women are stupid, but it does appear that Charlotte Allen is more than “kind of dim”.
It’s Never too Late to Re-wrap That Precious Gift
I stumbled upon this article on MSNBC about born-again virgins, and although I’m sure we’ve all heard about this, I thought I would bring it up here because…well…because it’s kind of funny. The article begins with the story of Victoria Watts of Canton, Ohio. Watts is a 23-year old single mother of two who insists that although she lost her virginity seven years ago, she has now been revirginized. Her basis for taking back her virginity? She wants her future husband to have a “whole person”. Watts opted for spiritual re-flowering, but some women are making the choice to have their hymens surgically reattached to be more realistically virginal. I first heard about this trend as it related to women in foreign countries who risk honor killing or public shaming if someone were to discover they’d gotten it on before getting married. These women undergo the surgery out of a legitimate fear for their physical well-being. It’s sad, but it makes sense in the context of those cultures.
I grew up with all the abstinence till marriage rhetoric, so I know how most of it goes, but the concept of second virginity has never made sense to me–even back when I was honoring my True Love Waits pledge and wearing a chastity ring (which, oddly enough, broke shortly before my hymen did).
What I don’t get is people who just decide to recycle their virginity. I mean, honestly, can you really do that? The answer, of course, is no. Sex is just an experience like any other. You can say you’ve never driven a car before, but you still know what it feels to be behind the wheel. And aside from dependence on the completely unreliable hymen, there’s no way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not. There’s certainly no way to tell if a man is. Yet there are people who insist on telling themselves they’ve been revirginated despite the fact that it’s…well…impossible.
And on that note, I recommend you check out the ladies of Broad Comedy performing “I’m Saving My Hymen for Jesus”.
My New Favorite Condom Ads
This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but the virginity talk got me thinking about doing the nasty, which reminded me of these fantastic new ads for Durex condoms. Personally, I’m in love with this campaign.
13 Comments on "Chicks Are Stupid"
I’m revirginized almost nightly. Filling a woman in on this makes them feel special, and I’m in the business of special. It pays well.
Also, it’s humorously ironic that an article about women being stupid is followed by an article about women trying to revirginize themselves. Even though you are lambasting both, Colleen, it’s still funny.
I considered that. I was going to throw in a segue, but then figured that would smush the irony of that particular juxtaposition. I try not to be an irony smusher.
In all fairness, second virginity isn’t exclusively a female thing, it’s just that most people don’t care about a man’s “purity”. But men try to revirginize themselves too. No, really. The only born-again virgin I currently know is a dude.
And by the way, I think you should get business cards printed up that say “I’m in the business of special”. Then you can give them to the women you meet in bars on Colfax. I think it would go over well.
I tell women I’m a virgin as a sort of Kansas city shuffle. I go one way while the syphilis goes another.
Oh, Jesus Hitler Fuck, these fundies are so preoccupied with their corporeal/spiritual reset buttons and do-overs. It’s so jejune, it doesn’t even merit attention. Puerile, just like their sadistic, adolescent eschatology. Beneath mention. Except for this one time.
Yep. Looking at the WaPo for an objective political view or even just something that is grounded in some shred of reality is like reading the Nat’l Enquirer for legitimate news about aliens. Everybody knows you ave to look to Oprah’s magazine for legit info on aliens !
Is Charlotte Allen revirginized? probably. anybody that spews that shit obviously needs a lay.
“eschatology”?!?
The Colonel is off his meds again. Or he’s trying to reiterate he’s not a stupid woman.
The only “pure” women I’ve ever met have known a few meters of cock in their day. Virgins, re-virgins, who gives a crap? That’s like asking me to hire you for a really important job you have no experience in.
the girls who are stupid? okay? are the same ones who never had heartbeat sexual body attack sensation from boys. they have never experienced this, because they are fucking snobby…or in sarah palin’s case……..she was unlucky. i’d fuck her so would you. paris hilton isnt stupid because in my dream the other day? she gave me her ### then i woke up all mad lol. ok u see? not all chicks are stupid, but most of them are, but not always in the ugly way
What the fuck is boyfriend babey talking about? can anyone tell me? he must be stupid!
Your boyfriend babey = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4ivBX_geec
Sometimes I feel like crazy people are put on earth simply for me to giggle at. Is that narcissistic? But then sometimes a gem like Your Boyfriend Babey comes along. And I just know it.
Also, “meters of cock” is my favorite expression now. Ivyy and I are going to start a band under that name that is the antithesis of our current band which is called Psycho Killer Pussy.
Bang Tango’ed, what the fuck have you been watching? Are you that bored in Ohio, or where ever the fuck you are?
P.S. Come back soon.
Can someone, anyone, please explain to me what “heartbeat sexual body attack sensation” means? I’m, like, way confused.
I’m gonna go eat some pizza rolls and think it over.