Fucked-Update: Election? What Election?

Written by  //  January 17, 2008  //  Fucked-Update, Politics  //  14 Comments

At this point, I pretty much hate all of these people….

It’s official. I’m totally over this election. Well…for now. Because I’m completely insane, I’ll probably return to obsessively following election coverage after a brief hiatus. But after the ridiculous displays of racism and misogyny coming from the Clinton and Obama camps respectively (they say they’ve decided to cut that shit out…we’ll see how long it lasts), Huckabee’s pontification about amending the Constitution so that it reflects “God’s standards”, and the hoopla that has ensued as candidates flock to my home state of South Carolina to pander to rednecks and old-money elitists in preparation for the next primary, I’ve had it. I just can’t do it anymore. Well…not this week at least. So welcome to the first election-free edition of the Fucked-Update in a good long time.

Curious About George

King Leer

Everyone is so focused on who will be our next President, that it seems people have forgotten we’ve still gotta deal with Bush antics for another year. So what’s the President been up to all this time? Basically…it’s all the same shit: spying on people, trying to start wars, and showing that he lacks both class and common sense. Sigh… So here’s a recap of recent Bush/White House related events.

Remember the NIE? The one that said Iran wasn’t really a threat? Bush wants the world (especially Israel) to know that he personally doesn’t believe it. That’s right, he’s still not convinced.

“But in private conversations with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert last week, the president all but disowned the document, said a senior administration official who accompanied Bush on his six-nation trip to the Mideast. ‘He told the Israelis that he can’t control what the intelligence community says, but that [the NIE's] conclusions don’t reflect his own views’ about Iran’s nuclear-weapons program, said the official, who would discuss intelligence matters only on the condition of anonymity.”

I guess Dear Leader sticks his fingers in his ears and sings “La la la la la la, I can’t hear you” every time an intelligence official brings him information.

In other news, the administration has apparently decided that warrantless wiretapping is passé…which doesn’t mean they’re going to stop, it just means they’ve moved on to bigger and better things. That’s right, cyber-stalking. The days of worrying that your creepy ex-boyfriend could sneak a peak at your myspace page and discover you’ve changed your relationship status will pale in comparison to the idea that Big Brother reads all your emails and has a record of that time you got lonely and did a google search for “big breasted babes felching midgets”. According to an article in the print edition of the New Yorker, National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell is “is developing a Cyber-Security Policy, still in the draft stage, which will closely police Internet activity.’Ed Giorgio, who is working with McConnell on the plan, said that would mean giving the government the autority to examine the content of any e-mail, file transfer or Web search,’ author Lawrence Wright pens.”


I find it amusing that the government wants to have access to the entire country’s email when they can’t even keep track of their own. That’s right, folks. The White House was unable to meet its court-ordered deadline to produce lost emails from the beginning of Bush’s term in office because they accidentally recycled over the backup files. Oops. I’m sure they weren’t purposely hiding anything. I mean, after all, it’s just a big coincidence that they accidentally got deleted when there wasn’t a proper archiving system and then they recycled the tapes. I mean, seriously, who could’ve possibly known that anyone would want to see those files? Oh…I guess that’s why it’s illegal to get rid of them.

Add this to the list of crimes the Bush administration committed for which they will never be held responsible.

And just in case you’ve forgotten how completely ridiculous Dubya is, on a recent visit to Israel’s Holocaust memorial, he told his darling Condi that “the U.S. should have bombed Auschwitz to halt the killing.” You’re shitting me, right? Do you think it even occurs to the man that bombing Auschwitz would’ve killed all the innocent people imprisoned in the camp as well as the Nazis? I mean, some of those people actually survived the horrors of life at Auschwitz, but if the US had decided to just bomb the fuck out the place then no one would’ve made it out. Not to mention how silly it is to suggest that in light of the fact that we won the goddamn war. I mean, if we’d lost WWII and the Nazis successfully took over all of Europe, then maybe suggesting we should’ve dropped a few bombs wouldn’t seem so insane. But we didn’t lose. The plan we had worked just fine without dropping bombs on concentration camps filled with innocent people who needed to be rescued. Seriously.

Why I Hate “Scare Quotes” in Headlines

It’s not uncommon that I find headlines that annoy me, and yesterday was no different. I was stumbling around USA Today’s website looking for a fluffy story to blog about (you know…because I don’t wanna talk about the election) and I came up on this: “Women’s bisexuality an ‘identity’ not a phase”. Well…yeah. Did you not know that already, USA Today? And why the “scare quotes” on the word “identity”. ‘Cause that’s the shit that really pisses me off. Lisa Diamond, a totally badass associate professor from the University of Utah, spends ten years doing a study on female bisexuality and the best you can give her is a headline that reeks of skepticism? Sigh….

I find the whole idea that there needed to be a study on bisexuality to be a little…well…dumb. I mean, why can’t they just ask bisexual people? To Lisa Diamond’s credit, that’s exactly what she did. She surveyed 79 women in 1995 and then interviewed them again every 2 years to track changes in the way they label their sexual identities. Turns out, it’s not just a phase….which isn’t to say that there aren’t plenty of people in the world–male and female–who experiment for a time. But, bisexuality and experimentation are not necessarily the same thing, and Diamond only studied people who labeled themselves bisexual, unlabeled, or lesbian…no self-identified heterosexuals were included.

The study only focused on female sexuality, largely because Diamond focuses on female sexuality for all of her studies. I do think it would be interesting for someone to study male bisexuality, because people react to male and female bisexuality in very different ways. When a woman says she’s bisexual, she typically gets one of the following responses:

  • “You just haven’t found the right man.”
  • “I’m sure you’re straight, it’s just a phase.”
  • “You’re not really bisexual, you’re just so horny you’ll screw anything”.”

When a man says he’s bisexual, he gets these responses:

  • “Dude. You’re totally gay.
  • “You’re gay, but unable to admit it, due to your own internalized homophobia.”
  • “You’re not really bisexual, you’re just so horny you’ll screw anything….but if you like it up the ass, then you’re probably just gay.”

See…totally different. Most people will tell you that all bisexual women are really straight and all bisexual men are really gay. It’s dumb. Someone should do a similar study on male bisexuals and see what transpires.

Also, USA Today should really stop using “scare quotes”, cause they’re fucking annoying.

And in Local News…

Yesterday, my dear friend Emily sent me the most ridiculous story I’ve ever seen from the Rocky Mountain News. So, as many of you have probably heard, a port-a-potty fell off a truck on I-25 and caused a huge accident. That’s not actually the ridiculous part. I mean, I’m sure it seemed ridiculous to the people who were driving along when a port-a-potty fell in the middle of the street, but the truly ridiculous part is the quote that was used as the last line of the story: “The truck driver did get cited for losing his load on the roadway.” Really, Rocky Mountain News? It never occurred to anyone that perhaps that wasn’t the best quote to include in the story? I mean, I realize I have the sense of humor of a 12-year old boy, but still…that shit is ridiculous.

About the Author

Cap'n Colleen

Cap'n Colleen is Donnybrook's political columnist and militant, dangerous, international activist.

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14 Comments on "Fucked-Update: Election? What Election?"

  1. Lady Z January 17, 2008 at 10:25 am · Reply

    Captn Colleen, my respect for you just overflows…

  2. Angora January 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm · Reply

    Concerning peoples’ response to bisexuality: it’s totally sexist, because either way, people assume everyone just wants the cock. Really now.

  3. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen January 17, 2008 at 1:21 pm · Reply

    I think you’re absolutely right on that score, Angora.

    I mean, the cock is grand and all, but it’s not actually the center of everyone’s universe.

  4. Ivyy January 17, 2008 at 4:17 pm · Reply

    Yeah but men are so scared of women these days that if we were to suggest that their cock isn’t the center of everyone’s universe the entire male species would curl up in the fetal position in the corner. So let’s just keep that between us, shall we?

    Oh my, I haven’t posted an angry man-hating comment in a while!! It feels good, I gotta say.

  5. Bang Tango'ed January 18, 2008 at 1:35 pm · Reply

    I wrote a thesis of a response about women being the cause of the effect that is the male insecurity with our own phallus’; however, meh…..

    The greatest revelation I’ve experienced in my short life is this. I don’t care what women think…

    postscript – Women are cool, I just don’t care what they think about me anymore. In the same way that men, typically, love women for who they are, I would like to meet more women who love men for who they are. Not for who they could be with just a little pussy polish.. I like that expression.

  6. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen January 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm · Reply

    Ok, Bang Tango’ed, that was a flagrant misrepresentation of the fairer sex if ever i’ve seen one.

    Sure. Men typically love women for who they are. But to imply that women don’t do the same is, quite frankly, bullshit.

    I mean, sure there is the archetypal gold digger who only dates men who drive expensive cars and buy her fancy presents. Or there’s this mysterious straw-woman who specifically engages with men who will advance her social status. Or the sex-crazed nympho who will dump you if your dick is too small.

    But those stereotype are hardly representative of all women.

    In addition to that, if you’re going to use those and the myriad other flawed characterizations of women as the basis for your implication that most women don’t love men for who they are, then you should take into account the equally disingenuous characterizations of men–that they all want a size 2 blond with big tits who never looks a day over 22.

    Most decent people want to be loved for who they are. I mean, really. And I’m glad that you don’t care what women think…I honestly think that’s a good attitude to have, just like none of us should give a damn about what anyone else thinks of us.

    But seriously…that was a ridiculous statement.

    And now I’m too exhausted to even consider responding to the ridiculous claim that women are the cause of rampant male penis insecurity.

  7. Bang Tango'ed January 18, 2008 at 2:57 pm · Reply

    One’s own personal experience is valid regardless of whether or not you think it’s ridiculous. Perhaps I should have began my response with “In my personal experience”; however, I thought, since it was my finger’s typing that it was an obvious implication. To disregard another’s personal experience as invalid, because you don’t agree with it, is an ironic example of typical behavior exhibited by women who wish to mold men into acting and thinking in the same way that they do. In my own personal experience.

    With that said, my own opinions are a representation of the people that I have personally come in contact with throughout my life. Obviously, since we have never met, it would be foolish to take any of the words in my previous response as a personal attack on yourself, which I can only assume you did ,because of the heated language contained within your follow up. Lastly, we can both agree that if all of the women I have been involved with in my life fit into the stereotype that we are discussing, my resulting opinion of “most women” would reflect thus.

    In conclusion, I need to stop dating women I meet at bars on Colfax.

  8. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen January 18, 2008 at 3:13 pm · Reply

    Being a woman, I take unfair remarks about my gender. No, you weren’t talking about me, but you made a generalization of a group of which I happen to be a part.

    The heated language is the result of hearing this same tired rhetoric all the time. So I suppose you shouldn’t take my vitriol personally.

    In order for you to have not applied that statement to women as monolithic group, you could’ve said something like “I wish that more of the women I meet love men for who they are.”

    And I’m not saying your personal experience isn’t valid…but perhaps you should chalk that up to bad luck or bad judgment (or just meeting women in bars on Colfax), rather than applying that to women as a whole.

    That would be like me implying that all men are lousy in the sack, just because that has been my experience.

  9. Col. Hector Bravado January 18, 2008 at 4:54 pm · Reply

    Oh man, Colleen that last line was a lob. Good thing this is a gender politics debate, from which I refrain as a matter of aesthetics. However, I did want to commend you both for engaging in a heated dialog without resorting to ad hominem attacks. Impressive. I’m being totally serious. Good, clean show.

  10. Ivyy January 18, 2008 at 5:03 pm · Reply

    *throwing her hat in the ring*
    and I, my dear friend, take issue with your blanket statement about girls who hang out at bars on Colfax. Some of us are really quite lovely.

    i’m basically just bored at work, hoping we can keep this argument/debate going for another hour to kill some time, whattaya say?

  11. Col. Hector Bravado January 18, 2008 at 11:32 pm · Reply

    Trying to fan the flames of discord. Shame on you, Red.

  12. Bang Tango'ed January 19, 2008 at 12:16 am · Reply

    I just sat on the runway in Charlotte for six hours, because the plain was too heavy and we were waiting for the direction of the wind to change.

    @Colleen.. You’re most definitely right. Bad luck and bad judgement. I chalk my first marriage up to that. I’ve only had a first marriage, but I’m not sure how else to refer to it in discourse.

    @Ivvy.. I have met a few nice girls on Colfax, but typically, from my experience, most fall into one of two categories.

    1. Physically attractive, but a less than stellar personality
    2. Co0lest girl I’ve ever met, but doesn’t really do it for me

    Oh and there is also a third category, complete psycho.. Yeah I’ve met a few of those. In fact my roommate has a thing for them so they’re constantly bombarding my peaceful home with their chaotic.. something… I can’t put sentences together right now.

    I hate flying.

  13. Sid Pink January 22, 2008 at 12:47 pm · Reply

    A discussion of some merit; grand points made on both sides.

    Regrettably , it’s all moot – because all people of both genders should be burned alive.

  14. Bang Tango'ed January 23, 2008 at 6:37 am · Reply

    What would that leave us with? Transgenders and Cockroaches…. No pun intended.

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