Fucked-Update: Fuck Christmas

Written by  //  December 13, 2007  //  Fucked-Update, Politics  //  11 Comments

Normally I try not to hate on Christmas too much. Well, that’s not true. I bitch about the commercialism and the music and the forced generosity and the inevitable stress associated with the occasion. However, plenty of people love Christmas for totally legitimate reasons. Hell, I’m actually looking forward to spending a few days with the family. So, I vowed to keep my anti-holiday tirades to myself. It would’ve worked too if my boss hadn’t assigned me a project that consists of transcribing 90 minutes worth of Christmas music…some of which consists of wintery parodies of once-popular songs so that I find myself typing refrains like “There’s no Business like Snow Business,” “Stand by Your Snowman,” and yes, even “Goodness, Gracious, Great Plows of Snow.” So I apologize for my Christmas hatred, but any iota of holiday spirit I had has been effectively squashed. Plus, I awoke yesterday morning to discover this shit…..

House Resolves that Christmas is Special

Yes, Santa was at the nativity. Now stop asking questions.

Rep. Steve King (R-IA) introduced a House resolution “recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.” Now, House resolutions are generally pretty stupid anyway. They’re not actually laws, they’re just documents that are drafted and voted on to either support or reject some idea or another. I suppose there are probably times when a House resolution has some sort of good use, but this shit? Seriously? Does Congress have nothing better to do than sit around talking about how Christmas is good?
So what does it say, exactly? Glad you asked…..

Resolved, That the House of Representatives–

  1. recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world
  2. expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide
  3. acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith
  4. acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;
  5. rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and
  6. expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.

Now, I can think of times when a resolution like this might have some kind of value. Like if there was some sort of Holocausty thing happening against Christians all over the world. If Christians were facing widespread persecution, I would totally see it being important– Hell, maybe even subversive– for Congress to pass a resolution supporting Christians. But as for as I know, that isn’t happening. In fact, in the United States, Christians do a helluva lot of the persecuting.

Also, I sort of resent the idea that Christmas is an exclusively Christian holiday. I mean, aside from the fact that Christians stole it from Pagans, Christmas has become so mainstream and so commercial that plenty of people who aren’t religious at all celebrate it.
So in response to the resolution, I’ve decided to send the House of Representatives a Saturnalia Card with the following message:

Dear Representatives,

Fuck Christmas.

The Cap’n

P.S. Find something better to do will ya?

Nothing Says “Happy Holidays” Like Hate Crime

The real war is on Hanukkah

Last Friday, 4 Jews on a subway in New York were wished a Merry Christmas. The Jews responded with a friendly “Happy Hanukkah”. Sounds like a heartwarming example of Americans embracing diversity, yes? Well, it would’ve been if the Christmas-lovers hadn’t started yelling anti-semitic slurs before beating the shit out of the Jewish men and women. The 10 attackers were between the ages of 19 and 20 and have been charged with assault, menacing, riot, harassment and disorderly conduct. The charges could be elevated to hate crimes, which would carry a stiffer penalty.

According to the attorney for one of the attackers, his client (who already has a hate crime charge on his record) couldn’t possibly have attacked them for being Jewish, because his client’s mother is Jewish. Well then, I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Now, for some non-holiday laughs…..

Striking Writers Develop AMPTP Parody Site
Apparently, some WGA writers discovered that the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers forgot to cover their online asses by buying all the extensions that go with their domain name. As a result, the writers created amptp.com to parody the AMPTP’s refusal to negotiate with the WGA. Generally speaking, parody sites don’t get me all that excited, but this one is superb. So, if you get bored today, I highly recommend checking out the site. If you’re bored, but have a hopelessly short attention span, focus on the FAQ page which will certainly give you a few laughs if you hate corporate American anywhere near as much as I do. On the FAQ page, you’ll find clever gems like this:

What is this disagreement you have with the Writers Guild of America? It boils down to a difference of opinion. They want us to pay them for their work, which would literally bankrupt Hollywood and prevent us from creating these movies and television shows. We, on the other hand, want to keep making movies and television shows, so that people can be happy, and violent crime will fall.

In addition to being funny at the expense of the AMPTP, it also provides some good background on the reason for the strike. So as the strike rages on and you begin to think you’ll die for lack of The Office (or whatever you kids watch these days), it might help to get a few laughs and remember why the writers went on strike in the first place.

About the Author

Cap'n Colleen

Cap'n Colleen is Donnybrook's political columnist and militant, dangerous, international activist.

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11 Comments on "Fucked-Update: Fuck Christmas"

  1. Col. Hector Bravado December 13, 2007 at 9:47 am · Reply

    This actually inspired me to go to Rep. King’s website and send him an email thanking him for his bravery in facing the vital issues of the day, but the site only wants emails from people in Iowa’s 5th congressional district.
    So I’m going to find me an Iowa ZIP code and send him something like:
    Dear Rep. King:
    Nice resolution. Idiot.
    A Real Person Actually from Iowa Who’s Never Going to Vote for You Ever Again

  2. Cap'n Colleen December 13, 2007 at 10:11 am · Reply

    Ha! Brilliant, Col.! And people think online activism doesn’t exist….

  3. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 13, 2007 at 11:28 am · Reply

    I know, we need to find a way to contact him. I want to urge him to introduce a House Resolution that maintains that Jesus our Lord brings joy to our hearts during this Christmas season.

  4. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 13, 2007 at 11:29 am · Reply

    I guess he already did that! Damn.

  5. Festivus December 13, 2007 at 12:56 pm · Reply

    I totally forgot Christmas is supposed to be religious. I like to think of it as Thanksgiving, but better because of the presents and prettier because of all the lights and more fun because of the snow you can sled in.

  6. Cap'n Colleen December 13, 2007 at 1:24 pm · Reply

    Due to my extremely religious upbringing, I have a really hard time separating Christmas from religion…which is why I avoid being in situations where I have to celebrate/acknowledge the holiday.

  7. meow December 13, 2007 at 3:09 pm · Reply

    Ah, christmas. the time of year we can all sit down with our fellow man, look him in the eye, and unabashedly say ‘i absolutely hate you’.

    you know, i think i may write a blog about this.

    happy new year, capn.

  8. Zach (you know the one...) December 13, 2007 at 3:18 pm · Reply

    Aww, I love Christmas!

    Yes, it’s been commercialized and sure there are awful songs (as evidenced by the wonderful plotline of Love Actually), but hey, it tends to make people nicer, or at least feel bad for being mean at this time of the year. And that’s all that’s important to me.

    Plus, there’s totally people sexing each other up wearing reindeer masks. How does that NOT get you excited for Christmas, I mean, really?

  9. Bang Tango'ed December 14, 2007 at 8:30 am · Reply

    It’s the only time of year I get to see my nun of a grandma pie-eyed. Don’t you dare try to take the wind out of that sail.

  10. Angora December 15, 2007 at 10:02 am · Reply

    I like you, Bang Tangoed. I like you.

  11. Bang Tango'ed December 15, 2007 at 10:11 am · Reply

    I cotton-to you as well, Angora. As much as one can cotton-to another over the internet. It has it’s restrictions of course, the internet.

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