Fucked-Update: Fuckabee

Written by  //  December 20, 2007  //  Fucked-Update, Politics  //  5 Comments

It’s no secret that I talk about politics all the time. Well, not all the time, but a whole lot of the time. I’m prone to going on political tirades at the mention of a conservative ideology. ‘Tis both a blessing and a curse. Lately, one presidential candidate has made my life considerably harder. Personally, I think all the Republican candidates are crazy. I try not to let it get to me too much. After all, they can’t help it. It’s tough being rich, white, powerful men. Well….not that I would know anything about that.

Yet, there’s one candidate who incites rage in me at least once a day. In fact, he makes me so angry that I’ve almost entirely forgotten how much I loathe Rudy Giuliani. Who is that man, you ask?

Mike Huckabee. The formerly fat-assed (gastric bypass, anyone?) Governor of Arkansas.

The problem is, it’s not just that his politics are infuriating. He’s also doing really well in the polls. To add insult to injury, even my friends–my liberal friends–think he’s…well…likeable. “He’s in a band,” they say. “He seems so down-to-earth,” they say. “He’s the kind of guy I’d like to have a beer with,” they say.

It’s bullshit.

Huckabee isn’t just a moron, he’s a dangerous moron. Well, unless you’re a fundamentalist Christian who has no issue with trampling all over the establishment clause of the First Amendement.

Huckabee’s Greatest Hits–So far


Jim Nabors for Prez

I could bore you with some long drawn out explanation of why I can’t stand this guy, but I figure it’s better that you hear it straight from the Huckster’s mouth. So here’s a little round-up of some his most horrifying statements.

On Why He Became a Politician:
“I didn’t get into politics because I thought government had a better answer. I got into politics because I knew government didn’t have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives. …I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ.”
1998 at the National Pastor’s Conference

On the Culture War:
“It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations – from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia.”
From his 1998 book, Kids Who Kill: Confronting our Culture of Violence

On the Death Penalty:
“Interestingly enough, if there was ever an occasion for someone to have argued against the death penalty, I think Jesus could have done so on the cross and said, ‘This is an unjust punishment and I deserve clemency.’”
1997, as reported by the Arkansas times

On Why He’s the Best Candidate to Fight the War on Terror:
“I think I’m stronger than most people because I truly understand the nature of the war that we are in with Islamo fascism. These are people that want to kill us. It’s a theocratic war. And I don’t know if anybody fully understands that. I’m the only guy on that stage with a theology degree.”
2007 on the Christian Broadcasting Network
*By the way, he doesn’t have a theology degree.

On His Sudden Increase in the Polls:
“There’s only one explanation for it, and it’s not a human one. It’s the same power that helped a little boy with two fish and five loaves feed a crowd of 5,000 people and that’s the only way that our campaign could be doing what it’s doing. And I’m not being facetious nor am I trying to be trite. There literally are thousands of people across who are praying that a little will become much and it has, and it defies all explanation. It has confounded the pundits, and I’m enjoying every minute of their trying to figure it out. And until they look at it from a just experience beyond human, they’ll never figure it out. And that’s probably just as well. That’s honestly why its happening.”
2007 youtube video,

On the AIDS Epidemic:
“If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague. It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.”
1992, Associate Press questionaire for Senate Candidates

See what I mean? Crazy.

Don’t fall for the nice guy act. He’s a scary, scary dominionist.

The good news is, the conservative pundits are going a little nuts about Huckabee’s increasing popularity. You see, a lot of Republicans don’t want him either. The problem is they’ve been pandering to the evangelical Christians for so long, the Christians have gotten out of control.

Ok, that’s enough bitching….

Attention Last-Minute Shoppers

So, I know last week I was all upset about Christmas and stuff, but after careful consideration I’ve decided that pushing my anti-Christmas views really isn’t fair. Lots of people love Christmas. So, to balance out the Fuck Christmas post, I’ve decided to give you a short list of gift ideas for the liberal in your life. If, you know, you have one.

A great gift idea for people who aren’t into getting random crap that will just take up more space in their house is to donate to a worthy charity on their behalf. I do this a lot. It’s probably why I don’t have many friends. Here’s a list of noble causes, all of which take donations online:

Pretty Bird Woman House

Pretty Bird Woman House is a domestic violence shelter on the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation in South Dakota. Violence against women is a huge problem on the reservation and Pretty Bird is the only resource that Native women have to get out of abusive homes and find help. They’ve had a rough year (by “rough”, I mean someone vandalized and then burned down their building) and they need all the help they can get. They’re trying to get a new building so they don’t lose all their funding. Help ‘em out in any way you can.

Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls

Willie Mae is a non-profit organization that hopes a week-long summer camp during which girls ages 8-18 flock to New York to learn how to become rockers. It’s badass. They also have cool t-shirts.

Colorado Anti-Violence Program

CAVP is a local non-profit working to end violence in and against the GLBT community. Most of their work is done in the areas of domestic violence and hate violence. They’re an amazing organization that does really important work for the community. (Full Disclosure: I volunteer on their crisis hotline)

The Rape Assistance and Awareness Program

RAAP is a full-service rape crisis center providing low to no cost counseling, self defense classes, a 24-hour crisis hotline, educational programs for schools, and much, much more. They’re another great local organization. (Again with the disclosure: I used to work for them too…I’m a little biased)

Colorado Coalition for the Homeless

Provides services to the homeless community and helps get people off the streets. They do good work too.

As for real gifts…

The Subtle Safety Ring is a badass gift for any lady in your life. Basically, it’s a triple-band ring that folds out into a brass knuckles kinda deal. Seriously cool. Also kinda pricey. But hey, if you’ve got a girlfriend or a best friend or a sister or a mother, or Hell, a guy with small enough fingers, it’s an awesome present.

Because this is all the gift-giving talk I can stomach, check out the gift guide on Feministing.com for ideas on gifts for your favorite feminist.

For those of you who aren’t the donating type and don’t know any feminists, you’re on your own. I don’t know shit about what other people want for the holidays.

About the Author

Cap'n Colleen

Cap'n Colleen is Donnybrook's political columnist and militant, dangerous, international activist.

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5 Comments on "Fucked-Update: Fuckabee"

  1. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 20, 2007 at 10:55 am · Reply

    These are great gift ideas. As everyone knows, Donnybrookers have everything they could ever need so donations are a great way to give to us…er, I mean give to others on our behalf.

  2. Col. Hector Bravado December 20, 2007 at 12:06 pm · Reply

    I love Huckabee. Not in and of himself, but for how he illustrates the current conundrum facing the once-regarded-as-inevitable Permanent Republican Majority. He represents the social conservatives who have finally cottoned to the fact that supposed born-agains like W just give them lip service so he can get back to the business of shifting his class’ tax burden (and military service burden, like always) onto them. In the many faces of the GOP candidates, we see the preliminary shuffling that lets each faction of the GOP monolith tear off their chunk. Batshit libertarians for Ron Paul, batshit neocons (and fans of corruption in general) for Rudy, foam-at-the-mouth nativists for Tancredo, etc. etc.
    Huckabee is good. Huckabee is important. Huckabee is throwing into high relief a major schism within the voting right that is hella fun to watch.

  3. Cap'n Colleen December 20, 2007 at 1:06 pm · Reply

    You do have a point, Colonel. The phenomenon you’re describing is much like what Ross Douthat of the Atlantic describes as Huckenfreude.

    Huckenfreude (n): Pleasure derived from the outrage of prominent conservative pundits over the rising poll numbers of Mike Huckabee. Particularly sharp when the pundits in question are partisans of Rudy Giuliani, but extends to supporters of Mitt Romney as well. Usually experienced by evangelicals, crunchy cons, populists, and other un-airbrushed elements of the conservative coalition. Tends to coexist with an awareness that Huckabee isn’t actually ready for prime time, and that his ascendancy may ultimately do their various causes more harm than good.

    NB: Not to be confused with the more obscure phenomenon Huckengersonfreude – the pleasure derived from the outrage of columnists who liked Huckabee so long as he sounded like George W. Bush on immigration, instead of like his natural constituents.

  4. Cap'n Colleen December 20, 2007 at 1:11 pm · Reply

    Dude. I totally fucked up pasting that definition into my comment. And then I logged in and edited it.

    WordPress rules.

  5. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 22, 2007 at 2:41 pm · Reply

    Konichiwa Bitches!

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