Liars and Masturbators

Written by  //  December 6, 2007  //  Fucked-Update  //  7 Comments

Mid-East Nuclear Paranoia Unfounded.  Again.  Bush Denies He Knew About It.  Again.

Last week, the Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell released the  National Intelligence Estimate, which concluded that Iran has no nuclear weapons and isn’t capable of producing one until at least 2015.   The report also concluded that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003, which means all this whining about Iran gearing up to nuke us is basically bullshit (Iraq’s WMD, anyone?).  Now, if we had an honest administration they might actually admit they were wrong about Iran’s nuclear capabilities.  Maybe they’d even apologize to the American people for making everyone nervous for no good reason.  You’d think at the very least Bush would take back the comment he made in October about Iran’s nuclear weapons leading to WWIII. But, sadly, we don’t have an honest administration.

It appears that Bush is lying.  Again.  While the report was only released to the public last week, intelligence officials say that the administration had it as early as mid-July.  That was months before Bush dropped the term "World War III."  In fact, that was before the Lieberman-Kyl Iran amendment, Congress’s rather bold and stupid decision to get us all ready for war with Iran if Bush decides he wants to invade yet another sovereign nation.  Bush, naturally, denies he read the report until last week.  In a press conference this week, the following exchange occurred between a reporter and our Dear Leader (it’s kind of long, but seriously…it’s worth reading):

Q   :  Mr. President, thank you. I’d like to follow on that.  When you talked about Iraq, you and others in the administration talked about a mushroom cloud; then there were no WMD in Iraq.  When it came to Iran, you said in October, on October 17th, you warned about the prospect of World War III, when months before you made that statement, this intelligence about them suspending their weapons program back in ’03 had already come to light to this administration.  So can’t you be accused of hyping this threat? And don’t you worry that that undermines U.S. credibility?

THE PRESIDENT: David, I don’t want to contradict an august reporter such as yourself, but I was made aware of the NIE last week. In August, I think it was Mike McConnell came in and said, we have some new information.  He didn’t tell me what the information was; he did tell me it was going to take a while to analyze.  Why would you take time to analyze new information?  One, you want to make sure it’s not disinformation.  You want to make sure the piece of intelligence you have is real.  And secondly, they want to make sure they understand the intelligence they gathered:  If they think it’s real, then what does it mean?  And it wasn’t until last week that I was briefed on the NIE that is now public.

And the second part of your question has to do with this.   Look, Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous, and Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon.  The NIE says that Iran had a hidden — a covert nuclear weapons program.  That’s what it said.  What’s to say they couldn’t start another covert nuclear weapons program?  And the best way to ensure that the world is peaceful in the future is for the international community to continue to work together to say to the Iranians, we’re going to isolate you.  However, there is a better way forward for the Iranians.

So basically, Bush knew that there was a report, he just didn’t know what’s in it, and the report doesn’t matter because Iran is and will always be threatening.  Apparently, he didn’t feel like it was his job to ask or to keep his mouth shut about Iran before actually getting the intelligence that was gathered.  Or, he totally knew about it and now he’s trying to pull one over on us.  Take your pick.  He’s either a witless fuck who doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously, or he’s a manipulative liar on a power trip.   Neither of those options makes me feel any better about living under the Bush administration for another year.

Detainee Fakes Suicide Attempt to Make US Look Bad

How do you fake a suicide attempt?  Simple.  You try to kill yourself and then wait for the Commander at Guantanamo Bay to downgrade it to "self-harm." An Algerian man who has been detained at Gitmo for six years without being charged with a crime recently sharpened one of his fingernails and attempted to slash his throat.   Apparently, he did a good enough job that he needed stitches and spent several days in the infirmary.  There have been a handful of successful suicides at the facility in the last year.  According to the BBC, US Navy Commander Andrew Haynes said " self-harm incidents were a tactic to discredit US forces." 

How fucking narcissistic is that?  They only hurt themselves to make us look bad?  It’s bad enough that we imprison people without charging them.  Now we can’t even acknowledge that perhaps they’re hurting themselves because life at Gitmo sucks?  I suppose the government has found another way to further dehumanize its prisoners.

On a completely different note…..

Hell000000, Kitty

That’s right, folks.  The Hello Kitty vibrator….er….shoulder massager….is back!  It was only on the market for 2 years in the late 90s, but apparently this novelty was a huge hit with the ladies.  Sanrio, the company responsible for Hello Kitty’s fame, has decided to re-release the item and reinforce to the public that it is intended to be used as a shoulder and neck massager.  Sure.  And Harry Potter’s flying broomstick was just an innocent toy.

Personally, I think it’s a little creepy.  Masturbating with children’s toys seems…well…kind of like indirect pedophilia.  That could just be me though.  In general, cutesy vibrators rub me the wrong way.  I feel the same way about animal-shaped sex toys.  But maybe I’m just a joyless prude.   

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7 Comments on "Liars and Masturbators"

  1. Angora Holly Polo December 6, 2007 at 10:12 am · Reply

    I just read a review of the Hello Kitty Vibrator that said “Hello Kitty: Good for Clitty, bad for Cooty.” And I feel like we’re getting back into that vajayjay conversation.

  2. Cap'n Colleen December 6, 2007 at 10:15 am · Reply

    I’m gonna have the phrase “Hello Kitty: Good for Clitty” stuck in my head for a very long time.

  3. Ivyy December 6, 2007 at 10:20 am · Reply

    “cutesy vibrators rub me the wrong way.” HA!!! sooooo punny.

    on another note, is it bad that i’m really really really really really excited for Bush to leave office? I mean, i think i’m maybe building it up too much, but I think the world will change for the better the day he leaves.

  4. Toastface Killa December 6, 2007 at 1:21 pm · Reply

    The Guantanamo bit reminded me: Britain is trying to pass legislation that would allow them to extend the amount of time they detain terror suspects without charges to a period of 42 days:,,2223277,00.html

  5. Cap'n Colleen December 6, 2007 at 1:34 pm · Reply

    An update on the NIE story:
    Apparently, Bush briefed Prime Minister Olmert on the NIE last Monday, even though he insists he didn’t see it until Wednesday.

    If you need a laugh, go todays press briefing with Dana Perino at It’s hilarious.

    Well…hilarious in a “I laugh so I don’t cry” sort of way.

  6. Cap'n Colleen December 6, 2007 at 1:35 pm · Reply

    That should’ve said “Go read today’s press briefing….”

  7. meow December 6, 2007 at 7:06 pm · Reply

    i think we’re all excited for the day bush leaves office, ivvvvyyyy, but what concerns me more and more is if that will happen.

    he’s allowed to stay in office past his 8 year limit if HE thinks an emergency situation exists that warrants his staying. i have nightmares about the ‘terrorist attack’ that’s planned for the day before. i see NY in a mushroom cloud. maybe an iranian mushroom cloud.

    i hope we can all go get drunk in a year to celebrate whatever douche replaces this douche, but im not going to hold my breath…

    oh, and yay for kitty toys.
    if you get my meaning.

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