The Pen-Is Mightier: Amazon Hates Your Girlfriend

Written by  //  November 28, 2012  //  Advice, The Dormitory, The Pen-Is Mightier  //  No comments

Need a Romantic Gift Idea? Don’t go to Amazon. They Do NOT Want You to Get Laid.

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I find I would like the world a lot more if everyone acted like me. So if you’re lucky enough to think like me, then you happily missed out on the mess that is Black Friday. Every time I see tents outside Best Buy or lines outside Target on Thanksgiving, I realize not everybody must have the Net yet. I don’t care how substantial the “savings” are of some electronic doo dad, it ain’t enough to get me out of bed and wait in a line with a coterie of blooming idiots. Instead, I spend my day lounging around the Manor drinking Irish hot chocolate and clearing my Netflix queue. But that doesn’t mean I am ignorant to what is coming. Not only is it a holiday I dread, but it is a holiday I dread that involves me giving presents to numerous “This Week’s Girl” girls.

That’s where I turn to the Net. Not only does the Net generally offer me the exact same goods as those antiquated brick and mortar stores at the same (if not less) prices, I generally get free shipping and little sales tax. Plus I can look at Red Tube when I need a “break.” Since I am a guy and hate shopping, I curl up with a bottle of Spluch tequila and go the Amazon route. While I also recommend this route to my lazy male readers, I offer a caveat: Amazon hates your girlfriend.

I treat Amazon like I do Google; I enter “school girl porn” almost by default. (Which, for the record, will yield the second search result of Discovery Girls magazine.) Realizing that I am, in fact, on Amazon, I lazily enter the term “gifts for girlfriend.” Let’s analyze the results.

Control Your Woman Remote Controller GiftFirst result: Control Your Woman remote controller. Because nothing merits a quick kick to the balls than giving this to your girlfriend. With buttons for things like ‘forgive,’ ‘clean’ and ‘leave’ you are sure to merit a falcon punch. What better way to tell her she’s uptight? It’s also quite comical that they included a mute button, ’cause there ain’t anything strong enough on God’s green earth to shut a broad up.

Second result: Control Your Man remote controller. This is one of the most offensive pieces of trash I have ever seen in my life. With buttons like ‘flowers,’ ‘listen’ and ‘stop farting.’ I guess there is something to be said that this is half the price of the Control Your Woman controller.

Third result: “Once In A Lifetime” A Sentimental Gift For Husband, Wife, Girlfriend Or Boyfriend. Touching 8×10 Poem, Double-matted In Navy/White And Enhanced With Watercolor Graphics.

I know that needle point is a poor gift idea for anyone under the age of 73. I’m not even going to tell you what the text says because I just can’t bring myself to write such tripe. Next.

24k 6in Gold Foil Rose GiftFourth result: 24k 6 inch gold foil rose. Hey probably six inches she’ll look forward to getting for a change.

Fifth result: Today I Caught Myself Smiling, Then I Realized I Was Thinking About You – Romantic Gift Idea – Single Pink Duct Tape Rose. Finally, a gift both pretty and useful. For the distinguished gentleman who desires a gift slightly above the level of plastic flowers, yet can be used to repair a hose in a pinch. MacGyver would approve. And so do I.

Two is Better Than One Heart Necklace GiftFifth result: Two is Better Than One Heart Necklace. Commence further retching upon reading the description: “Celebrate a special love with our Two is Better than One Necklace. Let her know that you remember everything about her, that you can’t live without her and that your life is better together with her.” Ugh. Just ugh. If you can get laid off of this, you are a better man than me. Probably lower standards than me, but a better man nonetheless.

Romantic Coupon Book GiftSeventh result: (you did notice I had two fifth results? Uncle Coconut keeping you on your toes.) The Romantic Coupon Book I have a theory that gifts like this end up unused at the bottom drawer of her dresser. This gift just screams that you are so fucking unromantic that you need some hack to come up with a few ideas and write them down for you. You have no spine if you sink to this level. If you do find yourself buying this, you will also find yourself putting an expiration date on the relationship of January 2nd. And that’s only because tail is mega easy on New Years Eve.

Eighth result: “The One I Love” A Sentimental Gift For A Wife, Husband, Girlfriend Or Boyfriend. Touching 8×10 Poem, Double-matted In Dark Green/Burgundy, And Enhanced With Watercolor Graphics. See fifth result (the first one, not the second one.) I am not going to even waste my time seeing what the actual words it says. It’s literary vomit I am sure. I also think it’s for Valentine’s Day. Don’t know, ain’t sticking around to find out.

Ninth result: Aurora Plush Baby Emperor Penguin 6.5″ I….I…don’t know how a GD stuffed penguin is a suitable gift for your girl. I mean, it’s not even a Happy Feet one, just some creepy, colorless penguin. At this point, you are really just better off stopping at the Conoco and buying her a sandwich.

Mizpah Medal Necklace GiftTenth result: Sterling Silver and Stainless Steel Mizpah Medal Necklace, 20″ and 24″ We have now entered a time warp, and we’re back in eighth grade, where these two pendants form one thing is cool again. Except then we were using symbols like a heart or a yin yang. This is some sort of religious trinket. Amazon’s idea of just who my girlfriends are is suspect at best.

Now, I was really going to end this at just ten results. But I think you deserve more than that dear reader. Plus eleven is really tacky.

A&W Hidden SafeEleventh result: A&W Soda Can Hidden Can Safe. What. The. Fuck. What do you get the girl who has everything? Maybe you had to break down and get her the necklace or tin foil rose. What better place for her to hide your blatant thoughtlessness? And who the blue hell drinks A&W anyway? Yea, if I’m a thief and I break in and see an A&W can I know one of two things. 1) where she’s hiding all her shitty gifts or 2) there can be nothing of value in here if their soda of choice is A&W. Last time I break into a trailer.

It is at this point that I realize perhaps I am not giving Amazon a fair shake. Maybe ‘zon didn’t quite understand my meaning of girlfriend, or that it is the holiday season. So I will give it another shot. Next time I will use the term ‘Christmas gifts for girlfriend’ and see what we get. Unless you schlubs wanna get off your lazy asses and do it yourselves. If so, please write up a brief essay of what you find and send it to me at If it’s funny enough (doubt it) I will run it in my follow up piece. Under my name of course.

About the Author

"Coconut" Roman Coke

"Coconut" Roman Coke is on a slow path to world domination which has led him to many callings: professional lacrosse player, helicopter pilot, foot model, and double agent.

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