Ivyy’s St. Patrick’s Day Special

Written by  //  February 23, 2011  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  No comments

Dearest Ivyy,

I’m inquiring within your sex column looking to gain help in finding a mate with whom I may perform the reproductive act. I’m of Irish descent at age 26, 5’9″, 173lbs, green eyed with red hair. Non smoker and social drinker. I’ve only had one serious girlfriend and I met her on the internet, which didn’t go very far. I’ve tried the club and bar scenes too but to no avail; the music was too loud and the girls I was even remotely interested in either have boyfriends or want nothing to do with me. And every dating site I’ve tried was just full of scammers. I remain a virgin to this day, I lack various communication skills and sometimes I stutter, and I’m very self conscious about my appearance because of my few extra pounds I can’t get rid of as well as my pale complexion and my on again off again acne problems. It has really negatively affected my social life. It’s a real shame too because I’m actually kinda big down there, at just over 7″ and fairly thick, but if I can’t develop the necessary skills to pick up women, they’ll never get to enjoy it.

So there you have it. I hope you’ll consider taking me under your guidance. I could be a true ladies man if I only knew how.

Cordially,

-Shamrocker

 

Dearest Shamrocker,

Oh, my dear. I like your style- you seem open and serious and ready to bone a willing lady with all appropriate gratitude and respect. So this advice will take a two-pronged effort on both of our parts.

Part The First:
In which the young lad finds confidence he never knew existed outside of looking proudly at his penis…
You seem to be cognizant of the fact that it doesn’t matter how much penis confidence you have- if you don’t have confidence in other parts of yourself as well, it’s pretty hard to get to that ever-important and singularly fun “hey look how awesome my cock is” phase in a relationship. And telling or even hinting to girls you don’t know about what you’ve got going on down there always ends badly. At best, you seem a little pathetic and weird to even mention that to someone with whom you aren’t at that moment actively taking off your clothes, and at worst you seem very very creepy. So, yeah, uh, if you were for any reason doing something like that, uh, don’t.
Beyond that, though- if you are stressing about your weight and skin, then get thee to a gym and buy some pore cleanser (the ones with lightly exfoliating beads work great.) Those two little things will make you feel so much better about yourself that you’ll start feeling like you deserve the gift of talking to attractive young women!!! Doing even the smallest thing to make yourself feel likeable will automatically make you likeable. It’s an awesome upward spiral that you need to jump on, postehaste.

Which brings us to Part The Second:
In which the young lad learns that women are not creatures from another planet, no matter how much all those fucking books want you to think so…
Here’s what you do. Go out to a bar, a coffee shop, a laundromat, anywhere that you might find a female creature who you might find attractive. Then, here’s what you do: know you’re going to strike out, and go up and talk to her anyway. It is my experience that the fear of failing is always so much worse than actually failing. We as humans always think the worst-case scenario will actually play out, when it really rarely does. So, you’ll strike out with a girl, and it’ll be just a normal strike-out: she’ll say she has a boyfriend, or she’ll walk away from your uncomfortable attempts at conversation, or she’ll even give you a mean look or something. And then, what will happen? NOTHING. You will have survived. And you’ll have learned something about what to say and what not to say when approaching someone you don’t know.

And finally, because Ivyy Goldberg, Esq is not above charity: if there be any young single lasses out in the cyber world who might be interested in meeting this seemingly nice young man (he promises not to talk about his penis unless you want him to), drop me a line and I’ll see what I can do.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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