Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  November 7, 2007  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  8 Comments

Ivyygoldbergp It’s a slow day at the Academy, so I was looking through the Donnybrook website archives, and I happened across a column by The Provocateur, outlining the “notables that girls need to know about boys in the bedroom.”

Clever idea, Provocateur. Such a clever idea, in fact, that I’m going to steal it.

Sex myths abound, and from widely differing sources. I get questions all the time from nice guys wondering why they can’t get their girlfriends off. In my intense penetrating (wink) study, I have found the main culprit, perpetuator of a wide variety of Sex Myths. So, without further ado, I hereby present Ivyy’s Porn Myths: What Boys Need to Know about Girls in the Bedroom….

Porn Myth #1: Fuck Me Harder, HARDER!

Well, this is actually just a half-myth. There’s always room for a good hard pounding in a lady’s life. The myth happens in porn in the screaming orgasm that inevitably seems to result from said good hard pounding. The physical simply trumps the mental in this situation: to wit, a lot of women like the feel and the, well, nastiness of rough sex (see my previous column), but a lot of women also need direct clitoral stimulation to get off. And a clitoris is simply not stimulated by a cock in the vagina. So pound away, for a while, but when your girl is wanting to get down to business and get off, slow down, follow her movements, and give her the space she needs to stimulate any other body parts (clit, nipples, etc.) that will help her get there.

Porn Myth #2: What’s Your Name Again? Oh Who Cares Let’s Bone

It’s simple common sense, really. The better you know a guy, the easier it is to take off your clothes in front of him. The easier it is to show him exactly what gets you off. The easier it is to have those semi-awkward noises and faces and all the rest of the fun stuff that accompanies a passionate night. Or morning. Or lunch break. Or conjugal visit. Or weekend at Camp David.

And it’s not just common sense, apparently. Studies show that women secrete a hormone during sex that emotionally bonds them to their partner. Men, please be sensitive to this fact: there’s a lot more going on in a woman’s body during sex than you realize.

Porn Myth #3: Spitting Is Sexy

Spitting is not sexy. Don’t spit. Politely lick your hand and then touch the spot you want wet. Or use lube. Thank you very much.

I’m sure we can think of more myths, dear readers. Let me know what I’ve left out. This list is by no means complete.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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8 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. Irving J. Silvertoad November 7, 2007 at 7:27 am · Reply

    This is all balderdash. For starters, there is no such thing as a female orgasm. God knows I have never seen one and my lovemaking is on par with that of Eros himself. Second. I find all of your descriptions far too crude and demand this be taken off and then a printed copy be sent to me at my home for safe filing. Finally, I have purposely not remembered the names of anyone I have ever slept with and that has worked out just fine. Also, spitting is, indeed, revolting. I find using a generous handful of kitchen grease or my hair cream is a far better solution and far more tasteful. And tasty! I would be glad to demonstrate these truths for any attractive young lady who would like me to do so.
    Yours,
    I. J. Silvertoad

  2. Anton November 7, 2007 at 8:23 am · Reply

    Lovely Ivvy, since you invite a community discussion, I will add a thought. I’ve found that never has a good poem been amiss in romance. I mean, be serious. The mind is the most sensitive receptor and if you can touch your lover there…

    When Donne wrote The Flea, he definitely knew the persuasive power of a poem in getting it on. And it’s not just Anton that thinks Sonnet 116 is perhaps the most romantic poem ever written.

    But a word of caution, one must find one’s own poems to read. Mean what you read or else it’s about as romantic as forgetting your lover’s name.

  3. Bitter Betty November 7, 2007 at 12:26 pm · Reply

    Porn Myth #4: It’s Easy to Trick a Woman into Getting Naked

    Apparently all you have to do is give a girl a ride in your van and she’ll be so thankful she’s gonna get it on right there in the van. No girl is hopping in a VAN with you, dude.

  4. Anonymous November 8, 2007 at 9:26 am · Reply

    Vans truly might be the creepiest thing ever.

  5. Cap'n Colleen November 8, 2007 at 10:06 am · Reply

    Hmm..this is tough, because there are SO many.

    There are the general sex-related porn myths like the “Women want to have sex for hours on end” myth…and the “Women always have orgasms and usually have multiple orgasms” myth.

    And then there are technique related myths, like the “Women love it when you their hoo-hoos with your cock” myth or the “Going down on a woman is like eating a lollipop” myth or the “Women love it when you cum on their face” myth.

    And, of course, the “Women secretly want to fuck their best friend” myth. Which probably bothers me the most because porn stars have such long fingernails…and everytime I see those fingernails go inside a vagina I can’t help but cringe.

  6. Cap'n Colleen November 8, 2007 at 10:09 am · Reply

    I should really proofread my comments. that should’ve said “Women love it when you thump their hoo-hoos with your cock” myth.

  7. Dr. O.D. Berg November 8, 2007 at 2:09 pm · Reply

    Ivvy: I read your most recent post by chance with great interest. To think that you, once a presumably innocent and sexually inert young neighbor of mine, are now in the employ of Donnybrook Writing Academy, debunking porn myths predominantly based on your personal sexual encounters, in effect giving me, your eager reader, advice on how to conduct myself in bed. How strange indeed!

    It has been quite some time since we have corresponded, and it is strange that our lives should intersect again in this way. Indeed, I came upon your posting by happenstance, as was a layover between my recent flight from Milan to Brussels, where I am overseeing clinical trials on a new penis cream that may revolutionize sex as we know it. How? I will leave it to your imagination….

    Fine, I will tell you. You have my number.

  8. Ivyy November 8, 2007 at 2:59 pm · Reply

    Good Doctor!! I’m honored by your presence on this message board. We eagerly await your uber scientific studies on this revolutionary new penis cream. I will be in touch further outside of this terribly proletariat means of communication called “computer”.

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