Office Hook-ups

Written by  //  December 10, 2007  //  Hand Job and a Reuben  //  7 Comments

I went to my office holiday party last weekend. This was not the Donnybrook office party, which is highly exclusive and will only be attended by the most gorgeous of Donnybrookites. This is merely the office where I pass time in between Donnybrook outings.

The office party was a complete success: most of my officemates will never be able to look each other in the eye ever again, which, if you think about, is the sign of an office party triumph.

However, even though it was a quite the winner as far as office parties go, yours truly, in her sublime superhuman ability to read human behaviour, was privy to various awkward happenings that I believe occur in every office party ever, prompting me to sit and write a column on office party etiquette.

It’s a minefield out there, kids…. An open bar for 4 hours, with your boss and your boss’ boss sitting not but 20 feet away, watching everything and very clearly drinking soda water and nothing else. So what to do?

Ivyy’s Office Party Advice #1- Go ahead and get drunk.

I give you permission. So does your boss. You work hard all year, your boss is totally aware of this fact. So why not let loose a little on this one day a year when your co-workers are all out with the express purpose of having a good time? It’s perfectly acceptable to have a drunken conversation with your boss, just make sure to keep it under 3 minutes. Any longer than that and you risk turning into the drunk babbler, and no one wants to be that person. And DO NOT vomit at any time during the night. It will be talked about for years to come.

Ivyy’s Office Party Advice #2- DO NOT talk about work.
Here’s a conversation I was (to my dismay) a part of during the office party this year*:

Peon Number One: “So how’s the rebranding going?”
Peon Number Two: “Pretty good, we’ve got a lot of graphics to still lay out but I’m confident we’ll get it done by the January deadline. How’s the new encoding system working for you?”
Peon Number One: “Dude, it sucks, the system crashes once a day and I have to call engineering to get the damn thing back online.”
Are you still reading? Cause I fell asleep like 10 minutes ago just writing this freakin’ conversation. Enough said.

Ivyy’s Office Party Advice #3- If you hook up with a co-worker, be discreet.
Hooking up with a co-worker is a time-honored office party tradition. However, be aware that it does not necessarily signal the start of a new great relationship. It’s a hook-up, that is all. Deal with it. And try not to hook up anywhere near the office party. No one wants to be the start of the “one time I saw two people getting busy in the copy room” anecdote. Trust me.

So go forth, peasants, and have fun. And if you have any scandalous stories, please email me at GoDonnybrook@gmail.com. I promise I won’t publish them.**

*I was not Peon Number One or Peon Number Two, I just happened to be sipping my vodka in the general area of this conversation. Ivyy Goldberg, Esq does not engage in such pathetic displays of useless small talk, but sometimes she is forced to smile politely during these moments, for the sake of harmony in the office.

**The Donnybrook lawyers deny any existence of this statement.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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7 Comments on "Office Hook-ups"

  1. Toastface Killa December 10, 2007 at 11:38 pm · Reply

    True story: one office party a few years ago concluded with the dude who was doing kegstands trying to ride his bicycle home with a leftover case of beer on his handlebars. He got a good fifteen feet out of the door before he fell over, shattering/wasting his loot. The next day, all of the suits were wondering how this person had managed retain his post at the company for so long.

    Don’t be that person. Ever. Your boss doesn’t want to see you drunk. Ever. If anyone can be that person, it’s the boss and only the boss… simply because they are the boss. And if you happen to be the boss, still don’t be that person. Your employees will never think you’re cool (and if they do, it won’t be because you tried).

    On another note: how is this a sex column? Shouldn’t it be telling us precisely how to have sex with a co-worker at a holiday office party? What happened to the nitty gritty?

  2. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 11, 2007 at 10:48 am · Reply

    I think it depends on an interaction between very complex variables.

    Are you an adorable drunk like Ivyy and I, whose dancing becomes more inspired, whose voice becomes songbirdier, whose conversation becomes profounder after a few cocktails?
    Or do you yell and vomit and have sex with things?

    And, look around at your workplace. It really all depends. I do know that teetotalling at a Donnybrook soiree would not only be uncouth, but unbearable.

  3. drunkula from drunkelvania December 11, 2007 at 11:27 am · Reply

    you got you priorities all wrong on this very important issue!

    first, these are obviously not generally applicable rules. you apparently work in a very stuffy environment. some of us have bosses that give the holiday gift of full gasoline containers with “krunk juice” written on them. the cost cutting aspects of this strategy is much better than say “bonuses”.

    secondly, talk when you get drunk! dude you might beable to get something out that would other wise never be possible. like, you clogged the toilet and flooded the first floor and shit like that. great bonding opportunity.

    lastly, sexual discretion is for the novice. every thing is better with an audience. for example, drinking, failure, pontificating, and internet trolling.

  4. ctrl+alt+del December 11, 2007 at 1:35 pm · Reply

    Yes, I concur with Toastface, please advise on the proper hook-up steps for hooking-up at the office party!

  5. Jonny Napalm December 11, 2007 at 5:32 pm · Reply

    #1 – Amen. I already know we agree on this, but if you’re 50% interested in/dedicated to your job, then what better way for your employer to crank that percentage up to 53 than to provide a wide array of top shelf booze at no cost to the employee? Stop thinking about it, there is n’an better way.

    #2 – The fact that you had to put this into rule form makes me weep for those that obviously do not already know it. Do getting job offers count as talking about work?

    #3 – Again, I agree and I do my derndest to follow this rule. However, thank goodness for those folks who do not. This goes hand-in-hand with someone always being “that guy” at the party. Call them “those two” (or more!)… Yes, terrible if it’s you, but it simply HAS to be someone if the party is to have any repeat visitors the following year.

  6. Ivyy December 11, 2007 at 7:13 pm · Reply

    At Donnybrook Corporate it’s very easy to hook up with a co-worker- we are all so gorgeous that orgies spontaneously erupt whenever we are all in the same room together. I guess I forgot that mere mortals don’t work this way- I’ll get started on my Peasant’s Guide to Office Hookups, poste haste.

  7. Cassie December 11, 2007 at 11:44 pm · Reply

    Getting drunk at my office parties has always been a bit anticlimactic. But then, I’m a journalist and a scooter shop girl, so drinking is very nearly written into the employee handbook.

    For me, it’s usually just about not being THE drunkest thing there. Which is fun, because you get to see coworkers vie for the title.

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