Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  December 17, 2007  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  4 Comments

It’s a special Christmas edition of Hand Job and a Reuben, folks! Read on for the holiness….
Jesus Saves

Dear Ivyy:

My boyfriend really really really likes anal sex. I’ve never done it before, and never really had any desire to, but I really love him and want him to be happy. Do you have any advice for a first-timer?

Virgin In Some Sense of the Word

Dear Virgin:

For this delicate subject, I’m going to the expert: a 15-year-old Christian girl. An article I read recently (ok it was a random blog by some angry Australian guy, but let’s run with it, shall we?) claims that many Christian teenagers these days are taking Abstinence Vows, promising to remain virgins until they get married. Then what do they do? Why, have all kinds of anal and oral sex, that’s what, because they can then claim to “still be virgins” on their wedding nights. Awwww. Kids say the darndest things.

So- Ashley? What do you say? Jesus will love you (even more than he loves your precious intact hymen!) if you help us ladies out with some tips…….

Ahsley says:
Uhm, like, anal sex is tricky and a little uncomfortable, and don’t let anyone try to tell you differently. But it can also be really fun if you get into it, and if you do it with the right person. A few little tricks can make the experience much more pleasant.

First, get a little drunk.
(Editor’s Note: Donnybrook does not always condone drinking, we just think it makes most things a little more fun. Oh, and also, legal disclaimer about underage drinking blah blah blah)

Second, like, USE LUBE.
Seriously. Like, a lot. The number one thing that ruins anal sex for women is a fear of getting a little dirty- they therefore don’t use enough lube and then complain of painful anal sex. (Note from Ivyy: Ladies- NOTHING is painful if you use enough lube. Don’t make me get more graphic here.)

(It’s me Ivyy again- Ashley had to run off to church, so I’ll just continue dispensing advice- and this is my column, dammit, so I’ll do what I want!!)

Third- Get into the fantasy.

Maybe you’re the Abu Ghraib prisoner and he’s the sadistic prison guard. Maybe you’re the Greek slave girl and he’s the Roman emperor. Maybe you’re Laura Bush and you’re submitting to the Secret Service Agent for the good of the country. Anal sex is all about the power play, so submit to it, and have fun with it!

So there you have it. Thanks, Ashley. Blessed be.

Good luck, Virgin. We’ll all be thinking of you. And reaching for the lube.

Dear Ivyy:

I have constant lesbian dreams. I identify as straight, get off with guys, etc, but for some reason every time I dream it seems to be some sort of hot girl on girl action. Does this mean I’m secretly gay? What should I do about it?

Doubting

Dear Doubting:

What should you do about it? Sleep more. According to this awesome article I found on the internets that sounds like it was written in the fifties, sex dreams should be enjoyed.
We often do things in our dreams that we don’t have the cojones to do in real life. Dreaming about getting it on with a hot girl doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian, but it might mean you have some sort of curiosity about sleeping with a girl. And what of it? Don’t stress- if you want to sleep with a girl in real life, your destiny will unfold to make it happen. If not, continue to enjoy your sex dreams and getting off with boys in real life. Just don’t be embarrassed about it- we allinteresting things that get us off… the real trick in life is to find out what it is that gets you off, and do it.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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4 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. Lady Z December 17, 2007 at 1:36 pm · Reply

    Damn, thats the last time I read Donnybrook over lunch… but yes, sex dreams should be enjoyed to their fullest (most climactic) potential. I have sex dreams all the time, and especially enjoy them when my fellow Donnybrookers make appearances. (this means you, Col. Hector)… That being said, cheers to the future orgies of our dreams!

  2. Col. Hector Bravado December 17, 2007 at 8:01 pm · Reply

    What? Abu Ghraib? Ivyy, you are a tart. And so is Lady Z.

  3. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 17, 2007 at 8:13 pm · Reply

    After reading this hedonistic column, Ms. Goldberg, I can only come to one conclusion:

    “NOTHING is painful if you use enough lube” should be Donnybrook’s new tagline! I feel like this completely sums up the collective Donnybrook experience. Especially during the hazing period.

  4. Team Donnybrook
    admin December 18, 2007 at 2:51 pm · Reply

    Remember kids. You only get one handful of lube for the whole 15 day hazing period. Use it wisely.

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