Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  February 13, 2008  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  12 Comments

It’s a very special multi-media Valentine’s Hand Job and a Reuben, lovers! Sit down with a nice glass of cognac and read on.

cognac

Dear Ivyy:
I want to give my girlfriend a really special Valentine’s Day. What music do you recommend I put on to get her in the mood?

Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man

Dear Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man:

According to one Mr. Thom Yorke, NOT his music.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/NaZM0qQejhg" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

I respectfully disagree, Mr. Yorke. Paranoid Android is awesome sex music. Radiohead in general is awesome sex music, in my humble opinion. But I am a sexpert, not a music expert (muxpert?), so I find myself in way over my head with this particular question. I therefore pass this one along to Dj Father Guido, music expert (muxpert?) extraordinaire who will be Djing the Donnybrook Inaugural Valentine’s Day Party. What do you say, Sir?

 Father Guido says:  “I would suggest Jens Lekman.  He’s a soulful indie boy who sings very literal songs about everyday experiences in a very soothing romantic voice.  Sure to tickle the nether regions of any indie hipster girl.”

 Good luck, Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man.  Jens Lekman sounds right up your alley.  Me, I’ll stick with The Bends, thanks very much.  And thanks to Father Guido, from indie hipster girls everywhere hoping to have their nether regions tickled to the tunes of Jens.  And a very Happy Valentine’s Day from The Donnybrook Writing Academy.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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12 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. Bang Tango'ed February 14, 2008 at 9:42 am · Reply

    I think portishead makes for some good baby manufacturing music.

  2. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen February 14, 2008 at 9:49 am · Reply

    I agree with Bang Tango’ed on the portishead thing.

    When I was in high school, my favorite gettin’ busy album was Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Pronounced. But, that’s probably just cause I’m from the South. Although the erotic power of Free Bird should never be underestimated.

  3. Bang Tango'ed February 14, 2008 at 9:55 am · Reply

    I’m from the South. Georgia by any chance? Also, redneck side note, I had a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt in high school that said “Country by choice, Southern by the grace of god”. It also had a large confederate flag plastered across it. I wish I still had that shirt, only because it was an authentic concert t-shirt from the 70′s that I stole off of one of my friend’s dad.

  4. meow February 14, 2008 at 10:07 am · Reply

    many of the shirts along those lines that I saw in my youth read :
    ‘southern by birth. ignorant by choice’
    or at least they did in my head.

    i would think portishead would be good for some kinky, romantic-bondage type humpin.
    maybe more in line with the ‘special occasion’ would be some edith piaf. iron and wine. maybe if you’re kinda weird some i’m from barcelona.

    i hear that laylights band has a new, grooveable tune coming out on their new album, too. apparently (and this is just a spreadable rumor) the song is so sexy that the engineer recording the album took off all his clothes during the recording process and started grinding all over the monitors.
    hey, this is just what i hear.

  5. Ivyy February 14, 2008 at 10:21 am · Reply

    I hear the new laylights album is so sexy it melts the clothes right off a woman’s body. I hear its so sexy that anyone not on birth control can’t be within earshot of it without being spontaneously impregnated. Also, I hear it sounds pretty good.

  6. Toastface Killa February 14, 2008 at 10:22 am · Reply

    Pulp’s “This Is Hardcore,” on a loop, for all of your seedy, back-alley sexual encounters.

    And no, “back alley” doesn’t necessarily mean anal.

  7. Bang Tango'ed February 14, 2008 at 10:23 am · Reply

    It only gets women pregnant, right?

  8. IkeTurnerEatsStars February 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm · Reply

    Ivyy, I find it funny, in a very immature way, that The Bends turns you on. I think that’s more of a fetish kind of thing.

    I also think that Telefon Tel Aviv’s first album “Fahrenheit Fair Enough” is what androids listen to while they make love. While I’m not an android, I can say it’s got plenty of hump-a-thon potential.

  9. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen February 14, 2008 at 12:49 pm · Reply

    The new Laylights album causes pregnancy?

    Silly me. I thought I was three weeks pregnant with the Messiah.

    There are some songs on the Once soundtrack that would probably be good for lovin’.

    I once found a mix cd entitled “Make-out Mix”in a former friend of mine’s cd-player. Naturally, I played it to see what was on it. Turns out the first song was Chris de Burgh’s “Lady in Red”.

    This is precisely why I am no longer friends with this person

  10. Cap'n Colleen
    Capn Colleen February 14, 2008 at 12:51 pm · Reply

    Oh, and Bang Tango’ed…I’m from South Carolina.

    I hear one of those cats from the uterus-hijacking band Laylights is too.

    Although he now thinks he’s too cool to own up to his humble beginnings.

  11. Ivyy February 14, 2008 at 2:23 pm · Reply

    Ike- one person’s fetish is another person’s normal Saturday afternoon. And Sunday evening. And Tuesday morning. And sometimes Friday happy hour.

  12. Angora February 18, 2008 at 1:03 pm · Reply

    Guido’s choice of Jens is precisely why I love the guy. Also, whether or not you like Air, it makes for gorgeous french robot sex. And I completely understand Cap-n-Colleen’s southern thing. What’s up with that? That kind of music brings out the romantic, drunken white trash stripper in all of us. Is that not hot?

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