Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  February 25, 2008  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  7 Comments

Dear Ivyy:

So the sex is good. Really good. And now that she’s on the pill, and we’ve both been tested, impromptu play is incredibly easy. Barring the occasional tenderness from overuse, neither of us has noticed any unseemly physiological effects to our private parts.

sperm

But here’s the deal. Something about all the sex we’re having is making me more likely to give the knob a pull when we’re not together. If she’s not in my bed at night, I’m filling a wad of Kleenex before I fall asleep. And even if I’m late for work, I can’t stop myself from squeezing one off in the shower.

Here’s my concern. When you’re pulling your own pud, it doesn’t take long to finish. In fact, you don’t even have to be fully hard to complete the deal. It’s great when you’re in a rush, because a few good yanks in the bathroom stall at work can make for a really nice coffee break. But I’m afraid that my success in the solo quickie is having an effect on how long I last when I’m with the girlfriend.

Is the habit of busting nut in a minute or two when I’m alone the reason I’m not lasting as long as I used to when I’m with her? Or is it the increased sensitivity now that we’re condom-free?

And, barring a moratorium on self-help, how can I retrain my rod?

Likes It A Lot

Dear Likes It:

Is your frequent masturbation affecting your sex life? In a word, yes.

My piano teacher used to say, “The good news is, practice works. The bad news is, practice works.” Muscle memory is a powerful tool, Likes It. And you’re teaching your tool a muscle memory that may be super efficient and helpful when you’re late for work, but is not working so well for you when you’re making beautiful music with your lady. (A quick aside: Holy Christ, I watched ONE EPISODE of Sex and the City this weekend and I’m already resorting to weak plays on word and extended metaphors of sex as music. I need deprogramming.)

So what to do? What to do what to do whattodo? Practice, Likes It, practice as much as you like, but practice as if it were the real thing. The occasional quickie in the shower is great, but when you have more time, take more time. Get yourself almost there and then back off, then do it again, then back off. (Another aside: if you get bored during these exercises, might I recommend a Snobcast for your listening pleasure?) In this entertaining way you’ll teach yourself the control you seek when you’re with your girlfriend, but still have fun with yourself. Good luck, Likes It.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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7 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice from Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. IkeTurnerEatsStars February 25, 2008 at 2:08 pm · Reply

    Might I suggest that you don’t get too into it when you’re pleasing yourself, Likes It. While Ivy does offer some poignant advice, might I remind you that if you start yankin’ the swollen stem and teasing yourself, all with hopes of blowing a load of liquid adhesive just a few minutes later in the game, soon you’ll get pissed off b/c, like Ivy said, muscle memory is a powerful tool. If you stroke it a bit too long, giving it your undivided attention, you might feel the need to romance your manhood more often. Blowing it kisses. Giving it 3 yr. old Valentines Day candy. All I’m trying to say, Likes It, is that you don’t wanna change up your system because you might be the only one sweating when coming back from a lengthy “coffee break”.

  2. IkeTurnerEatsStars February 25, 2008 at 2:11 pm · Reply

    Does anyone else sweat when they masturbate? If not, I don’t do it either.

  3. Ivyy February 25, 2008 at 3:51 pm · Reply

    Donnybrookites don’t sweat, Ike. That’s a peasant quality.

  4. Son of A....Cohol February 25, 2008 at 8:33 pm · Reply

    Okay, Maybe it’s the lack of condoms, cause for me, jerkin’ the gherkin makes me actually last longer. It sounds like you aren’t using lube when you are DIY’ing it, and trust me brother, that can make all the diff in the world. Warm soft and wet puss beats a cold dry hand any day of the week and twice on Sunday, so my suggestion is get some Pjur Eros Bodyglide, and use it when you spank the monkey. Once you get accustomed to warm and wet you should be fine… It’s like my band teacher used to say: “Practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect.”

  5. Irving J. Silvertoad February 26, 2008 at 8:08 am · Reply

    I don’t understand what the problem is. You are taking less time to achieve a goal? Sounds like a good thing to me. Then you can go on and tell your servants to clean the room and get yourself a hot shave on your way to the gentleman’s club for a scotch.

  6. Bang Tango'ed February 26, 2008 at 8:22 am · Reply

    My suggestion, Likes It, is anytime you are with your special lady friend, get drunk and coked out of your mind. You may not be the best lover, but you will last forever…. and ever… and ever… Until you pass out or she just rolls off of you out of sheer boredom..

  7. Angora February 26, 2008 at 11:48 am · Reply

    I love our lives.

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