Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice with Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Written by  //  January 15, 2008  //  Advice, Hand Job and a Reuben, Sex and Love  //  10 Comments

Let’s talk about Toxic Relationships, Dear Ones…..

Toxic

Dear Ivyy:

I was in an “on-again-off-again” relationship for 2 1/2 years. About every 6 months or so, my gf would break up with me. We would have no contact, she would date someone else, and then would contact me, and we would “get back together”. Things would be good for about a week, and then shit would hit the fan. Several months ago, she broke up with me for like the 6th time. (I know I was getting something out of the breaking up, getting back together too…) ok, so, I have held steady to the NO CONTACT, especially since she started dating her new bff like the day after (probably before) she broke up with me. So, no contact has held true on my end , aside from spotting her viewing my myspace page (tracker) making me want to look at hers…Until Xmas eve when she sent me a text about “she had a present for me that she and her kid had bought for me awhile ago and the kid wanted to still give it to me”…she would put it on my porch…tell her if it wasn’t ok…did I have her blue shoes? blah blah. I didn’t respond. Still the present ended up on my deck on Xmas from both her and the kid. I miss her terribly, but I know this is toxic. I’ve been depressed for months, and lost 20 pounds…I feel lost! What is she thinking!?

Don’t Have Your Blue Shoes….And You Know It!

Dear Don’t Have:

Toxic relationships are hard to pin down. A wise man once said to me that when you’re in a toxic relationship, you feel terrible about yourself- but you fail to make the connection between feeling terrible about yourself and the fact that your significant other subtly beats you down every chance he or she gets. Indeed, your friends and family might not even witness the emotional abuse, but that doesn’t mean its not there…. .toxic people are often scary good at pushing others around them down (in order to elevate themselves) at such a subtle level that no one could even pinpoint an instance of emotional abuse.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not there, Don’t Have….. and in your case it sounds fairly blatant. You ask me what is she thinking- I could hazard a guess that she’s thinking of herself and her desires, thinking she wants you there when its convenient for her or whenever her latest relationship ends and she needs some form of ego boost. But I don’t think you should be asking what she’s thinking. It doesn’t matter what she’s thinking, all that matters is that you know she’s bad for you. It’s time to move on, as hard as that is to do.

The good news is you’ve already accomplished the hard part- coming to the realization that someone is toxic for you. And you’ve already established the no contact rule. So hold firm. Stay busy. Find new fun people to hang out with, and new fun things to do that don’t remind you of her. Flirt voraciously and without any intention. Remember how fun it is to be YOU, the healthiest and happiest and most energetic version of YOU.

But above all, be kind to yourself. People getting out of toxic relationships often beat themselves up- “Why am I so in love with someone who is so bad for me?” It’s a good question, and one to maybe ruminate on, but give yourself time and don’t blame yourself for any less than stellar decisions you might have made in the past. There are no regrets in life- every decision you make, from getting into a bad relationship to getting out of it, forms who you are as a person.

And for the love of all that is good and holy and laura-bush-esque, get rid of your fucking Myspace Tracker. That’s just asking for trouble. Do it.

Got questions? Always. Send queries to godonnybrook@gmail.com, Subect Line: Dear Ivyy.

About the Author

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq.

Ivyy Goldberg, Esq. is Research Director and Writer of both Denver’s Most Fuckable Rockstars and Handjob and a Reuben. Part time sex columnist, part-time Supreme Court Justice-inspired superhero.

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10 Comments on "Hand Job and a Reuben; or, Sex Advice with Ivyy Goldberg, Esq."

  1. Col. Hector Bravado January 15, 2008 at 6:15 pm · Reply

    Jee-sus.
    I was in Capitol Hill standing on a street corner and talking to a friend about old resentments when my ultimate toxic GF hailed me from a passing car. I said hello and we did a number exchange (I did not save the number when she called me from her new phone) and noticed I was shaking several minutes after.
    The awful thing about those kind of relationships is just how inured your other seems to be to any form of accountability or empathy. The truly hard part — sorry, Ivyy — is still in front of you; measuring the trackless days where you must wean yourself from her. And all Ivyy’s suggestions were good for passing that time.
    But keep the cardinal rule: do not call her. Do not accept her calls. She can’t help anymore. And never could.
    Cheers. I’d say good luck, but luck has shit to do with it.
    CHB

  2. Col. Hector Bravado January 15, 2008 at 6:16 pm · Reply

    I meant to say “toxic ex-GF” in the first paragraph. It was the first time I’d seen her in almost two years.
    She’s 2.5 months preggers with her new BF.
    There but for the grace of God…

  3. Bang Tango'ed January 16, 2008 at 6:48 am · Reply

    I have a toxic ex-wife. The odd part is I’m the kind of guy that would have just stuck it out and been an unhappy old beat down man, but one day, I woke up, and in a very Barry Eganesque manner just stopped letting her do it. Unfortunately, she didn’t like this, which led to divorce, which consequently led to myself, becoming the most eligible bachelor on all of Colfax. Life has a funny way of working out like that.

  4. Cap'n Colleen January 16, 2008 at 11:20 am · Reply

    The myspace tracker actually works?!?!?!?

    Nooooooooo! Nooooooooooo!

    Guess I should quit stalking people now, eh?

  5. Toastface Killa January 16, 2008 at 11:32 am · Reply

    It makes me think of Boyz II Men’s a cappella rendition of “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday.”

    Or Britney Spears’ “Toxic.”

    Seriously though, props to Ivyy: spying on who visits your MySpace page is inviting a lot of trouble. The whole point of the site is to be able to spy on people you don’t want to talk to.

  6. Anonymous January 16, 2008 at 11:54 am · Reply

    haha – someone needs to make a reverse myspace tracker – to see who’s got a tracker!

  7. meow January 16, 2008 at 12:13 pm · Reply

    ive found most of these ‘toxic’ relationships arent just about one person dominating another. there’s usually some give and take. there has to be for the ‘weaker’ person to want to stay involved.
    the hardest part in ridding yourself of the NEED for that relationship is to identify what specifically YOU get out of the pairing that makes you willing to take the abuse. maybe its that she is rich, or is involved in the industry you want to get into, or just that she makes you feel less alone in the world. fortunately, none of these things are specific to that one person.
    once you identify what it is you most need in a relationship you can focus on finding that in a healthy way. unfortunately it seems it takes an experience like this to open your eyes to those facts.

    a note to blue shoes: 1- on again off again is silly, and you know it. there was a good reason to break up six months ago? its still there, even if you miss them. cut your losses.
    and 2- she has a kid? run. this kid does not need a father figure in their life that disappears every six months in a flurry of argument. i would assume no father figure would be better than that in the long run.

  8. Cap'n Colleen January 16, 2008 at 2:47 pm · Reply

    I think I agree with meow.

    I did the toxic relationship thing several years ago and after I had some space from it I realized that it wasn’t just how he treated me or how I treated him that was bad. We were just really bad for each other. It’s like we became the worst versions of ourselves whenever we tried to make the relationship work. Not pretty.

    It’s much better to just give up and move along, no matter how hard that is.

    And yes, there should definitely be a way to know who has a myspace tracker.

  9. andresito January 16, 2008 at 10:55 pm · Reply

    does that myspace tracker really work?
    And if so, how?

  10. Bang Tango'ed January 17, 2008 at 6:52 am · Reply

    The myspace tracker works because you have an IP address which can almost always be tracked to about a 20 mile radius using various elite computer hacking methods. If you don’t want people tracking your digital footprints use a simple proxy such as Tor.. Now you may stalk to your heart’s desire.

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